The Curtains

Okay, I have been telling you all that I owe you a story, so before I give you the update on the results of our recent MD Anderson appointment, I must begin with a tale. 

When we began this Nuisance journey, our twin boys, Sawyer and Spencer, were 12 years old. They were old enough to know much of what was going on but still young enough to not understand it all. There were three things that were, and still are, the hardest for me when it comes to The Nuisance. One has been watching my parents and knowing how much they want to rescue me from all this. Another has been hurting for my husband, whose family has already experienced such loss with cancer. And the biggest worry of all has been for my children and how all this would impact them. When I lost my hair, I worried they would be embarrassed. When I was in Houston, I worried they would be homesick. When I was in the hospital, I worried they would be afraid. When I was sick, I worried... well, let's just leave it there. But every step of the way, God has provided. He sent family to care for my boys in my stead. He gave teachers to love on them. He sent friends, and the parents of friends, to entertain them when I didn't feel well. He sent my church and work friends to pray for us and meet our every need. Oh y'all, the list is just so long of how he took care of them.

But one of my favorite things God has done is what I call the gift of The Curtains. If the world's a stage, as Shakespeare said, then God has had a way of opening the curtains only enough for the boys to see the parts of the play they could comprehend at that specific moment. Looking back, I see so many examples of how God was only allowing them to see pieces of the unfolding story.

The boys read my blogs as I posted them and have heard me give my testimony a hundred times. I have tried my best to live this life out loud so that it might help someone else along the way. There have been no secrets. I always tell them what is going on before I share it outside the family, so they are never caught off guard if someone says something to them. Our journey has never been for us alone.  One time, the boys came to me after a speaking engagement and said, "Mom, you didn't tell us that you had a tumor on your heart." I was taken aback. "Yes, boys, you have heard me say that a million times." (But God didn't let them hear it because their little hearts weren't ready.) Another time I heard, "Mom, you didn't tell me us your cancer was Stage IV. That is really serious!" "Yes, we have told you that before." (But in His infinite wisdom, God knew you couldn't hear it until now.") 'Mom, I didn't know that they had to open your chest for our surgery." "Yes, son, you have seen the scars." (But God didn't want you to be afraid.) "Mom, you never told us..." "Yes, we did, but God knew you weren't ready to hear it."

I began to realize that God was only allowing the boys to see and hear what their hearts and minds could handle. Like curtains on a stage, God only revealed enough for them to see the part of the story He was ready for them to see. The parts they could handle. Nothing more. Nothing less. Sometimes they could handle the whole scene; other times, they only needed to zoom in on a few characters or a small portion of the plot. Like a great director, God knew his audience well and created a story that they could comprehend. What an amazing gift.

Fast forward to the past month. When my surgeon called in January to share the multidisciplinary tumor board's results, Rodney wasn't home. The doctor shared the possibility of surgery and then informed me of the concern that the lymph node treated with radiation in 2018 appeared to be growing. Wait, what?!? Lymph node? That wasn't a lymph node. It was just a spot that was growing too close to my carotid artery. No one ever told us it was a lymph node! "How could they not have told us?!" I thought. When I told Rodney what the doctor had said about that spot being a lymph node, he was as surprised as I. When I told my parents and sisters, their first words were, "Wait, that was a lymph node?" Surely there must be some mistake. I began to dig through my records to show that they must have me confused with another case. But there it was. Not on one report. Not on two. But on three different reports. Lymph Node. Well, I'll be. I see what you did there, God. The Curtains.

Now you need to understand what I do with a report when I get it. I highlight it. I underline it.  I search for unknown words and google them and write down their definitions. I compare it to old reports. I make charts and drawings on it to compare sizes of spots from scan to scan. By the time I travel from Houston to Lubbock with that piece of paper in my hand, it is limp from being folded and unfolded, marked and circled, highlighted, and cried upon. There is NO explanation for how I could have missed it except for The Curtains. 

In all his wisdom, God knew that I could not handle the fear or worry of The Nuisance being in a lymph node back then. He knew that it would seem just too much to bear, so He kept that hidden behind The Curtains. "Let her see enough to take action, but don't let her see enough to tailspin," He must have thought. "Show her enough, but don't let her think this is impossible." Because at that time, in 2018, I would have thought it was just too much. My boys were approaching their senior year.  I didn't want to miss a minute. I had one goal-- for that year to be amazing and to witness every bit of it! Thinking that The Nuisance had spread to my lymph nodes would have sent me down a very dark path. It was hard enough to be away from them while receiving radiation in Houston, but to worry about The Nuisance moving through my lymph nodes and spreading through my body would have been a whole other level of fear.  It would have been too overwhelming a "stage." Thank God for The Curtains!

So why now? Why has He pulled back the curtains on the lymph node now? Why not leave them closed? Well, I have three more years of trust tucked under my belt. If The Nuisance was in my lymph nodes in 2018, then I have been given three years of it not spreading beyond the known places. Which indicates that I do not have to shift into panic mode. What God has done in the past has given me faith to trust him with my future. That faith might not be as strong had The Curtains not been in place while the stage was being set. He bought time to not just tell me (because I am stubborn and sometimes don't listen) but to show me that this will be okay. Somehow this will be okay. No matter what. My mind has not raced to the worst-case scenario because my heart and soul are stronger now. I am more rehearsed for the next act.

When I was younger, I always wanted God to just show me what my future held.  Holy Cow! I sure am glad he is wiser than me! Seeing my lot would have scared the britches off of me! I would have quit before I started. I would have given up before I took the first step on stage. And I would have missed the most fabulous blessings along the way. 

So here we are. God pulled back the curtains to allow us to see the possibility of a growing lymph node in addition to the other spots we already knew about. We spent most of last week in Houston doing the biopsy on the lymph node. We know surgery is necessary either way, but it is fast-tracked if the lymph node is involved. And fast-tracked means I would have to be alone. Even with that knowledge, there has been more peace than fear. More trust than doubt. More hope than worry. 

Yesterday we received the pathology report. The Curtains have opened, the doctor has entered the stage and his opening line is the lymph node is okay! No signs of The Nuisance there. Praise God! What peace and joy I would have forfeited if the timing of The Curtain opening had not been so perfect! Surgery, and it's a doozie, is in the future, but it is not an emergency. Hopefully, that means we can get a little further past COVID, and Rodney will be allowed in the hospital with me. Or maybe The Curtains will be pulled back a little further to reveal a miracle. If He can keep me from seeing written words on three reports then He can certainly pull that off as well. We currently plan to go to Houston in June to reevaluate. In the meantime, we will trust the director and enjoy the show! Living As If!

How good to be loved by a God who knows us so well and cares for us so much. I am grateful for The Curtains. 

Bumps and Dents of the Bumper and of the Soul

CRUNCH!!!  Now that's a sound you never want to hear when backing up a vehicle, but CRUNCH is just what I heard. It was Friday evening and I was backing into a coveted spot at the gas station on my way home from work. The place was hopping and it was the one open pump. I turned to look over my right shoulder, hand on the back of the passenger seat. I eased back slowly and CRUNCH, I hit the sneaky little concrete pole that was just short enough to be out of my line of sight, but just tall enough to take out my bumper and my rear tail light assembly. PHOOEY!!! Not the way I wanted to start the weekend.

I exchanged info with the gas station clerk and made my way home. We were supposed to leave for MD Anderson on Sunday and I really didn't have time to deal with the fall out from my little concrete collision. Oh well, no crying over spilled milk (or busted taillight as the case may be). Sometimes it just is as it is. And sometimes, that just isn't good enough for me. 

I remembered another dented bumper from my past and how the body shop had fixed it with the help of a little heat and on Saturday, I decided that I wasn't going down without a fight. Now I know at this point most rational human beings would grab the phone number for a body shop, but I grabbed my phone and started to google DIY videos.  I found several videos of people fixing their bumpers with a little hot water or the heat from a hairdryer. Now I should probably add that my dent was a little more than a dent. My bumper was hanging off the and the dent was more of a large crease, but hey, what did I have to lose?  I decided to give it a try. Let's just say that hot water and hairdryers are better for the head than the "tail". I didn't have much luck. I would need some big guns. A little more research led me to discover a heating tool that might make the task a little easier. I ran to the nearest auto shop and as luck would have it I found the little gem -- on sale even!

Rodney wasn't home and heaven forbid I wait around for help. I like a challenge. I removed the tail light assembly and began heating the bumper that was hanging awkwardly from the vehicle.  I had high hopes for how this was going to work. Except it didn't. Try as I might, I still couldn't get the dent to pop out. Apply more heat. Apply more pressure. No luck.  I repeated this process over and over but was no closer to fixing my bumper than when I began. As the bumper got hotter, so did my frustration. My arms were getting sore, I was sweating, I burned my hand, and I just didn't have the strength to fix it. I was pushing with all my might and getting nowhere. Without really even thinking about it I voiced the thought, "God, I'm not strong enough to do this alone." And just like that, the dent gave way under my hands. With one concession that I wasn't strong enough on my own, it was as if all the strength I needed was suddenly available to me.  I did a little victory dance in celebration of conquering the bumper, ordered the taillight assembly to replace the broken one, and walked away feeling like a conqueror.

We left for Houston the next day for my appointments at MD Anderson. This journey was going to be another test of strength. Thanks to COVID, Rodney couldn't go into the hospital with me. That is bad enough on a regular appointment, but this time I was having a biopsy that would require out-patient surgery.  I would be put completely under and he couldn't walk me in. He couldn't hear the doctor's instructions. He couldn't wait with me until they took me back. He couldn't be with me in recovery. I was by myself. Once again the words I uttered in the garage came spilling into my mind.  "God, I'm not strong enough to do this alone." And just like that concession became strength in dealing with the dent in my bumper, it became strength in dealing with the dent in my soul. Peace replaced fear. Strength replaced weakness. Faith replaced doubt.

2 Corinthians 12:9 says, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” We have a tendency to think His power is made perfect in our strength, but the opposite is true.  Only when we realize we can't do life in our own power do we find the true source of strength. And it is a huge relief. I have spent so much of my life being confident in my strength and in my ability and feeling like a failure when I didn't feel strong. I still struggle with that sometimes, but I am beginning to get it through my thick head that HE is the source of power and HE shows off best when I get out of the way and admit I need him.  

My run-in with the concrete pole wasn't an accident. It was an object lesson. It was an opportunity for God to plant a seed to show me the power available to me when I admit, "I can't do this."  God cares about all of our bumps and dents and so desires to give us the strength to deal with them when we call out to him. 

I don't know what has dented your bumper this week, but I know where you can get the strength you need to deal with it. It comes from leaning on the one who GIVES you strength.  "Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships,  in persecutions, in difficulties. FOR WHEN I AM WEAK, THEN I AM STRONG." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

My bumper isn't perfect. A body shop might have done it a little better, but I am going to leave it just as it is. I like having a visible reminder of God's power in my weakness. He is so good. Thank you so much for your prayers as we have traveled this week. We are still waiting on the pathology report on the lymph node (and I still owe you a story on that one, too). We hope to hear soon, but we have full assurance that God is hearing all of our prayers and already has this dent figured out! 

Love ya! Mean it!

Dumpster Fire or Burning Bush?

It had been such a fun night! My family was coming home from an evening of cooking out, swimming, and popping fireworks with grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. (Man, I miss those days of family gatherings!) The back of the pickup truck contained the carcasses of Roman Candles, Sparklers, fountains, and artillery shells. We pulled up to the dumpster to unload the firework remains in the dumpster and headed inside with visions of pyrotechnics in our heads.

As we began getting ready for bed, I started to smell something. Smoke, maybe? I looked out the window and yelled, "The dumpster is on fire!!!!!" Oh lawzy, the neighbors were going to LOVE this!!! I was REALLY hoping they wouldn't see us! We scrambled around for a crazy minute trying to decide what to do. The boys and Rodney ran to the alley and I ran to the backyard to grab the water hose. They threw open the lid and I stood in the back yard on the deck of the pool, hose in hand, shooting water over the fence and into the dumpster. It was a bit like the Beverly Hillbillies Celebrate Independence Day. It was quite a sight! (Sure am glad we didn't leave them in the back of the truck though!) I laugh every time I remember that scene. 

Do you ever feel like your life is a bit of a dumpster fire? Things are just a hot mess and you can't seem to get a grip on it? You run around in a panic trying to figure out how to put the flames out, but the proverbial hose in your hand just doesn't seem to be working? Boy, sometimes I do. There are seasons where nothing seems to work, things aren't what I hoped they'd be, and life is hot, hot, hot!  The fire can be all kinds of things - worry, fear, anxiety, family problems, money problems, or even something that you just can't put your finger on. You feel consumed by the flames of what you are going through and a little voice in your head whispers, "Nothing to see here" as others pass by and you hope no one will notice the fire.

My biggest dumpster fire of the day is The Nuisance (Cancer) and all the sparks it sends out into other areas of my life. We recently had our consultation with my surgeon following the Tumor Board's review of my case at MD Anderson. There is some good news and some not-so-good news. The good news is that the board does believe surgery is an option for me right now. We are grateful for that! We know that surgery is really the only way you get rid of cancer. Chemo and Radiation help manage and reduce, but it doesn't usually get rid of it on its own. And chemo is some tough stuff. We are so grateful that surgery is a possibility. Even if it is a tough one. 

The bad news is that the spot we treated with radiation in 2018 appears to have grown. That spot is a lymph node. (Which is a whole other story I will tell you soon!) That was a curveball. The lymph node is near my carotid artery, heart, and other important veins and arteries. If it is The Nuisance, we won't have time to watch and see like we can with the other spots. We will need to do surgery now. The other spark of that fire is that right now COVID protocols would not allow anyone to be at the hospital in Houston with me. That would stink worse than smoldering trash! Surgery will be a thoracotomy which is where they go through my ribs in the back and will remove the lining from my lung, scrape my diaphragm, and grab any visible spots they can see throughout my chest. Those flames are pretty hot, but God is bigger!

The first step to dealing with this fire is heading to Houston for a biopsy to see what is going on in the lymph node. We need to determine if the spot is active or if this is just the ashes and embers of the old flame. If it is Nuisance then we sound the alarm and are on the fast track to surgery. If it isn't, prayerfully, then we will be looking at surgery in the future but can wait a little while to see if COVID protocols change to allow me not to be alone. 

Today I was reading about a fire that happened once upon a time. There was this guy who was out tending to some of his farm animals. Out in the pasture with no one but his sheep, he noticed a fire in the distance. He decided to go check it out. As he got closer he could tell it was a bush fire, but the strangest thing was that the bush was not being burned up. Curiosity piqued, he went closer. As he did, he heard a voice come from the bush. Now that is different. The voice said, "I have seen and heard you and I am concerned for you! I am going to rescue you. I am God". (Paraphrased version- check out Exodus 3 for the full details.) The man was obviously taken back and at that moment the entire direction of his life was changed. In the past when I have read that story, I have always focused on the man and the message, but today I was drawn to the bush. The bush was on fire, but not consumed. It had the purpose of drawing the man, Moses, to God. 

It made me think about the fires we experience in life again. When those flames of trial lick our lives it can be classified as a dumpster fire OR a burning bush. It is a matter of perspective, choice, and faith. A dumpster fire is going to be consuming; it will incinerate, melt, and destroy everything it touches. It is going to really stink, and it serves very little purpose. It will burn us up!

But a burning bush is different. It serves as an invitation to draw closer to God in order to hear his love for us, his concern for our circumstances, and his desire to rescue us. The burning bush may still be hot, but it will not consume us. It doesn't scorch our hearts and reduce our lives to ash. In fact, there is something beautiful about it. A burning bush has purpose. 

Trial by fire is a guarantee in this life. There is no insurance, no flame retardant, no smoke alarm that will keep us from it, BUT we can choose how we respond. We can be a Dumpster Fire or a Burning Bush. One will consume, destroy, and stink to high heaven and the other will withstand the flames, draw us to God, and allow us to experience a little heaven in the midst of the smoke.

When the spark of heartache becomes a blaze hardship and threatens to burn you alive what will you be? Dumpster Fire or Burning Bush? (Be a Bush!!!!!!)

Love ya! Mean it!

Be Like Toby

You do not have to know me for two minutes before you know that I am a sunshine girl. All. Day. Long. I seriously mourn the shortening of days, desperately dread dark seasons, and anxiously await the warmth of the sun on my skin. It is amazing to me how closely my life force seems to be tied to that warm light. It may be a little crazy, but it is medicinal for me. If you were to scroll through my phone you would see pictures of sunrises and sunsets, of sun pouring through trees and lighting up fields of sunflowers. It delights me.  My Mimi always said no matter how bad you feel you need to get outside and get some sunshine every day. Maybe she is the source of my genetic predisposition. I love the light! (P.S. It is 86 days until the time changes back. WOOT WOOT!!!!)

I suppose that in some ways we all share that trait -- a desire for warm, bright days. We love the days where the bills are paid, the family is well, the job is going smoothly, all is right in the world. There are no clouds in our proverbial sky, no storms on the horizon of life, and we want those days to be n-i-i-i-i-i-i-c-c-e-e-e- and l-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-n-n-n-n-n-g-g-g-g-g like a warm summer day. BUT, just like that time change that I hate so much, life is filled with seasons of darkness-- you know, like 2020?!?! The bills aren't paid and you have no idea how they will be. The kids are quarantined for the third time and the cabin fever is strong. Work is, well, let's just say that the Tilt-a-Whirl at Joyland doesn't shake you up NEARLY as much as trying to function in a COVID world. You miss your family. You miss your friends, and for goodness sake, you miss your favorite Mexican Food Restaurant!!! It is dark. It is depressing. And it seems - like it -will last -FOREVER!!! We just want that light back. 

I have to admit I have been wrestling some darkness this week. Lately, it seems like it rains the whole time we are at MD Anderson in Houston making us have to stay indoors. As small as this seems it has a big impact on my coping mechanisms. The news we have been getting has been heavy, too. It feels very dark. The path ahead seems like a poorly lit, seldom traveled path in a heavily wooded forest inhabited by wolves. I can't see ahead, I can't get my bearings, and I have felt a little lost. I hate these moments when I don't have clarity. Ugh.

Today I asked you guys to pray for me and some telehealth appointments. In my last two visits with the surgeon, he has given the strong impression that surgery isn't a great option right now which leaves us with chemo or a trial. I have felt a little trapped and cornered in a dark, dark room. As I joined the call today I noticed that I had a message in my MD Anderson chart. My appointment had changed from the surgeon to his nurse practitioner. Disappointment. Dark. As she joined the call she explained that my doctor's mother had fallen and he had to leave quickly, but that they had reviewed my case this morning and she could share what he was thinking. She began to say that he believes that the progression means we need to consider resection. Wait, what? I thought that wasn't an option?! She shared that there actually may be several options there. I felt it-- a little bit of warmth. She began to describe them to me. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a glimmer of light begin to flicker and a little hope begin to bubble. To make a long story short he will be taking my case to the multi-disciplinary board in January. They will talk through the options to determine the best approach. All of the sudden my heart lifted and it was like the sun began to rise a little just revealing a new turn in the path. And that, my dear friends, is the way life works. Just about the time that you think it can't get much darker a light breaks through from an unexpected place. You just have to have your eyes open to see it!

I know that some of you are sitting right there in a dark corner. Your own version of the nuisance has you feeling trapped. Open your eyes and wait with expectation. The time will change again. The light will break through the clouds. The darkness doesn't last forever (it just feels like it). 

As for me? There are lots of unknowns ahead and I still can't see that stinking path, but I do feel a little light breaking through. I was sharing with my friend Beth how I was feeling about that and she sent me this picture of her dog Toby. 

She said, "He searches for any sliver of light. Darkness all around and he rests in the light." 

What a perfect picture of how we should live. The Bible says, "The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it." John 1:5  Sometimes we feel like the darkness is totally winning, but it CANNOT overcome the light. And that light is Jesus. John 8:12 says, "Again Jesus spoke to them, saying, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”  Okay, I am following!

So here is my plan. I am going to continue to pray for clarity to know each step I should take (if I cross your mind will you pray that for me, too?)  I am going to keep my eyes wide open so I don't miss the light. I am going to be like Toby and find that warm bright spot in the darkness and then I am going to rest in it. Care to join me? I'll scoot over for you!

Love ya! Mean it!💗

The Black Dot

I recently read a story of an unusual test given by a professor. It went a little something like this.  One day, a professor entered his classroom and asked his students to prepare for a surprise test. They all waited anxiously at their desks for the exam to begin.

The professor handed out the exams with the text facing down, as usual. Once he handed them all out, he asked the students to turn over the papers.

To everyone’s surprise, there were no questions–just a black dot in the center of the paper. The professor, seeing the expression on everyone’s faces, told them the following: “I want you to write about what you see there.” The students, confused, got started on the inexplicable task.

At the end of the class, the professor took all the exams and started reading each one of them out loud in front of all the students.

All of them, with no exception, defined the black dot, trying to explain its position in the center of the sheet. After all the tests had been read, the classroom silent,  the professor began to explain:

“I’m not going to grade you on this, I just wanted to give you something to think about. No one wrote about the white part of the paper. Everyone focused on the black dot – and the same thing happens in our lives. However, we insist on focusing only on the black dot – the health issues that bother us, the lack of money, the complicated relationship with a family member, the disappointment with a friend. The dark spots are very small when compared to everything we have in our lives, but they are the ones that pollute our minds. Take your eyes away from the black dots in your lives. Enjoy each one of your blessings, each moment that life gives you. Be happy and live a life filled with love!”

As I read that tale I recognized the truth of it. It truly does seem to be in our nature to focus on the "black dots" in our lives and miss the blessings all around us. Do you do it, too? I have a running list in my mind of my failures, my shortcomings, my mistakes, and my problems. If I am not careful they can steal my joy.

This week we went to MD Anderson to check on The Nuisance. Because of COVID that trip carries a little more anxiety these days. Rodney is not allowed to enter the hospital with me so I go through the tests, the scans, and the appointments alone. A mind can run away pretty quickly when alone. Yesterday I sat quietly waiting to hear the results of my scans. Once the report was handed to me my mind QUICKLY landed on the words recurrence, mass, increased, malignancy. My pulse quickened, my breathing stopped, my world quivered. I listened as they rattled the options. Things I have heard too many times before. Surgery, chemo, trials... none of which carry guarantees. The room turned into one giant black dot. I listened. I gathered my things. I walked out alone. 

It takes some time for my head and my heart to work things through, but gradually I collect my thoughts and find my center. In those moments I am reminded of a story from my earlier days with the Nuisance about boxing gloves. I am taken to the mat, but I am not alone. Slowly I find my way to my knees, then my feet, then I pull myself up to continue the fight. When I reread the scan today I noticed other words around the black dot. Stable. No new. Slight. Yesterday my mind could only see the black dot. Today I realize that isn't all there is to the story. It is true that I have some recurrences of malignancies. It is true that there is growth. It is true there is cause for concern. There are black dots to be sure. But there are also some spots that are stable. There are no new places noted. There are some things to be grateful for even on a "bad" report. And for that I am grateful. 

Each day you and I are taking a test. A test of perspective. A test of will. A test that will determine the amount of peace, hope, and joy that we will, or will not, experience in our lives. What will we focus on?

Today I was in a sinking spell. The black dot was blocking out my vision so I did what I have learned to do. I opened my bible to marked passages that get my thoughts back on track. I read 2 Corinthians 1:8-11  We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired of life itself.  Indeed, we felt we had received the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead.  He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us again. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many.

I was reminded how many times in the past eight years I have felt I couldn't withstand the weight of The Nuisance. So many times I have felt the sentence of death. But I am reminded that all of this has taught me to be fully dependent on the ONE who makes me brave. My doctors cannot save me. I cannot save me. My family and friends cannot save me, but my GOD? He HAS saved me. Over and over. He has done it before and he can do it again. He has delivered me and YOUR PRAYERS have played a part in that. Your prayers help me see the white paper and not focus on the black dots. You and I can give thanks because God always answers our prayers -- even when we may think he hasn't.

I have a literal black dot on my chest. It was tattooed there when I received radiation treatments to make sure the machine was hitting the right spot. It sits beside a scar that runs from my collarbone to below my diaphragm. That black dot can serve as a reminder of the battle or as a reminder of the victory. I choose to see the victory. I choose to see the blessings of provision, of love, of prayer, of healing.

I have been handed a test. It is a piece of white paper with a black dot on it. I will pass this test. I will spend more time writing about the white than the black dot. How about you? Grab your proverbial pen and write about the white space! The black dot is tiny in comparison!

Work that Core!

Like so many others during COVID-19 I spent the first few weeks eating all the good stuff. Having the boys back home from college brought out the motherly need to cook all the good things-- and I mean the GOOD things (with extra cheese please)! The boys dodged the Freshmen-15 only for me to hit us with the COVID-19! It was a good run, but something had to change! I started to realize COVID-19 wasn't going to be a sprint but a marathon so I better stop cooking like it was one big holiday. Back to clean food and exercise for me! Now if you're thinking, see ya later Anna, I didn't know this was going to be a blog about diet and exercise, don't bail on me yet! There is something here for you, I promise!

I begin pressing play on my workout videos to help offset the bulge! As a part of any exercise program, you spend a large amount of time working on your core. Balance is about your core. Strength is about your core. Speed is about your core. Flexibility is about your core. Endurance is about your core. Everything is improved when you strengthen your core. Yet when we ignore our core we quickly lose that inner strength that impacts so many areas.

Most of you probably know that this week I didn't get the reports I was wanting at my check-up at MD Anderson. The Nuisance (aka cancer) is continuing to grow so we are deciding what our next steps are. Weighing Risk and Reward as we decide when to do treatment and when to hold steady. Dealing with a challenge like this (or like a rocky marriage, an unstable financial situation, COVID, crazy kiddos, etc., etc., etc.) requires a lot of strength. It throws off balance. It requires you to be more flexible to adjust to life. Sometimes you have to act with speed and sometimes you have to act with endurance. And do you know what you need to be able to do all those things? Yep, a strong core. 

If I have learned one thing in life it is that successful navigation is contingent not upon my personal strength (I don't have enough), but on the strength of my core. Without that solid foundation, the slightest hiccup in life can throw a person off-balance and rob them of their endurance, but with it, there is flexibility and speed to react and overcome. Sometimes people ask me how I am so strong. Let me be clear I AM NOT! But my core is. Having a foundation built on Christ is what helps me navigate. He is the source of my balance, my strength, my flexibility, and my endurance. 

Matthew 7:24-27 says this, "24 “Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. 25 The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. 26 But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. 27 The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.”

When we have a strong core, a firm foundation, we have the ability to weather the storms of life-- my storm, your storm, big storms, little storms. So how do we build this strong core? Good news - no sit-ups or planks required!!!! A strong core is built by developing a relationship with God. For me, that is through reading my bible, memorizing scriptures, praying, and worshiping him through song. Sometimes this is in a formal way like going to church or having a quiet time, but to be honest my best "workouts" happen as I am going about my day. I see a facebook post and say a quick prayer, I listen to worship music on my walks, I say a verse in my mind to the rhythm of my walking. Building a core isn't hard, it just requires taking action. It requires that you shift your focus from the distractions and problems to the one who can manage them.

Friend, I don't know what trials you are facing. I don't know the size of the problem, the depth of the pain, the length of the struggle. But I do know what it is to have them. Boy, do I know! I know fear, I know doubt, I know worry. They are so familiar to me. They are the enemy to balance, strength, flexibility, and endurance. But we have been given the weapon to overcome them. Focusing our attention on them makes them stronger. We have to build our core. So let me be your trainer today. Let me help you build your workout plan. Today fill your mind with music that helps you worship (If you have Amazon music I will link a playlist I have  been building  below that you might enjoy.) Replace your worry with prayer. Tell God your fears and worries. He is big enough to handle them! Open your bible and read a little. If you don't know a place to start I love Psalm 91. If you want a practical book to study I adore James. 

I wish I could tell you I know how to make our problems go away. I don't. I do know however that a strong core will give us the foundation we need to get through it! Back in the 80's my sisters and I would do the 20-Minute workout on TV. They would call out, "I know you're tough, I know you're strong, come on, come on, come on, come on." We would make fun of that, but it is funny how often it will run through my mind when life is tough. So let's throw on some leg warmers and set our minds to building that strong core! " I know you're tough, I know you're strong, come on, come on, come on, come on."

Anna's Playlist

The Storyteller

One of my favorite childhood memories is of days spent on my uncle’s ranch in Gail, Texas. My grandparents, aunts and uncles, and cousins would spend the day exploring, hunting arrowheads, and fishing. As the sun began to set on that red clay piece of land we would head back up to the old ranch house. The rustic old house had no electricity or running water and there was something about that that could transport me back in time. While the adults made themselves busy packing up for the day, we kids would gather on the floor around a chair for storytime. With a lantern lit and reflecting dramatically on the face of the storyteller we would lean in to hear the tale. Most often one of my aunts or older cousins would be the storyteller and usually, the story was spooky. The darker it got outside the spookier the stories became. As the tale reached the climax, you could feel yourself tensing up. I would tell myself that this time I wasn’t going to jump and scream. After all, I could anticipate it coming and I was becoming a big kid. No more jumping for big kids. The storyteller would drop their volume causing us to have to lean forward to hear. They would slooowwww down their paaaaacceee, and begin...to speak...in a whisper soooooooooo soft that you …..could hardly…..HEAR IT!!!!! That is when they got you! That little yell right at the end. We would all jump and fall into a fit of laughter acting like we weren’t REALLY scared, (okay, maybe just a little).

For seven years I have been dealing with The Nuisance. Each time I sit waiting for my reports I am just like that kid again. I can anticipate what is coming. I am a “big kid” at this now. No more jumping for “big kids”.  Whatever is coming I won’t be afraid. The room gets deathly quiet as I listen for the footsteps of the doctor coming down the hall. As he comes in I lean forward in my chair. I tell myself that I won’t be caught off guard. I won’t “jump”. This time was especially strange. Because of COVID I had to go in by myself. Everything seems scarier when you are alone. Trying to hear, not be afraid, ask the right questions, and keep it together required a whole new level of focus as I braced myself, determined “not to jump”. I know who has me so I don’t have to be afraid. The doctor begins to tell the story… “We have the reports from your scans…(suspense builds. Don’t jump, Anna, don’t jump) unfortunately,  (I don’t think there was a dramatic pause there, but it sure felt like it) things are continuing to progress. And just like every other time I jumped. He began to run through the options which are a trial with immunotherapy which will require me to go to Houston every three weeks for treatment or I can do chemo. Surgery and radiation are not on the table right now since the spots are not all in the same location.  I don’t have to decide today, he tells me. Talk it over with your family and let us know. Logic says I knew that was coming and yet it still gets me every single time. I jumped.

The day or so after one of these visits there is a lot of wrestling that goes on in my mind. Trying to process, trying to problem solve, trying to predict is messy business. I hate that part, but every time it happens God gives me a gift that helps me work it through. This time the storyteller was my gift. You know the cool thing about being a storyteller is that you get to decide how to tell the story. When I was a kid whoever was sitting in the chair got to pick the topic and the story, but they weren’t the only ones with choice. There was also a choice about whether to listen or not. No one said we HAD to sit and listen. We chose that. 

In life, we have to be careful about the stories we are listening to. I think that is super evident in the world we are living with right now. We are being tossed about by all kinds of storytellers, but who is speaking the truth? Who is speaking from a place of wisdom? Who should we be listening to?  We have to have so much discernment to sit at the feet of the right storyteller. As I wrestle more with the news I received this week I have a choice. I can listen to the storyteller who says The Nuisance is growing and proceeds to tell me all the scary things associated with that or I can listen to the storyteller who acknowledges that The Nuisance is growing but goes on to add that it is still slow (PRAISE GOD) it is not pressing on an organ (PRAISE GOD) I can postpone treatment a little longer (PRAISE GOD). Why in the world would I stay locked in on the storyteller of fear when I can listen to the storyteller of  PRAISE?! And just like that, I am released from the fear that tries to grab me. In a bible study a few weeks ago our teacher said,  “Praise powers perspective.” I find that to be so wise and so true. As soon as we shift our ears to the storyteller of praise our whole perspective on a situation can begin to change. 

So here I sit at a crossroads of decision. One that I have been sitting at for the past year and a half. I feel so good right now and the boogers are not pressing on any organs to cause immediate danger. It is hard to think of sacrificing all of that. I am in the strangest place of measuring risk against reward. Chemo and immunotherapy can trigger a whole new series of problems and one lesson I have learned is that there are some things worse than cancer. So I am pondering. I am praying for wisdom. Sometimes being still is the wisest choice. As I sit in the stillness I will choose to listen to the storyteller of praise. I will listen to the true author of my story and the one who knows both the beginning and the end. God has never failed me. He will not start now!

You have storytellers jockeying for your attention as well. They are trying to get you to lean in and listen. Some are selling fear, some are selling anxiety, some are selling flat out lies. Choose your storyteller wisely. They may hold the seat but they do not have to hold your attention. When you are overwhelmed by fear and anxiety let the storyteller of PRAISE change your focus. Remember the ONE true story.

As I shift the narrative of my story from one of fear to praise, I am thankful for you! I am thankful for your encouragement and prayer. I am thankful to God who has been so faithful in my past allowing me to know he will continue to be faithful in my future. I am thankful for my family, my friends, my church, and my coworkers who love me through hard times. I cannot do this alone. Thank you for helping me rewrite my story!

A Disobedient Mind and a Pony

Do you ever decide to do something only to find that your mind will not cooperate? It goes something like this:

You:  "I am going to work out everyday this week!" 
Mind: "Um, you know there is a new season of your show on Netflix, right? I don't think so." 

You: "I am going to eat healthy." 
Mind: "After this Oreo (package), perhaps." 

You: "I am going to clean out my closet today."
Mind: "You might be able to fit into those jeans from high school someday. Better slow your roll."

You: "I am going to stick to my budget this month."
Mind: "SALE!!!!!"

You: "I am going to choose Joy." 
Mind: "Actually, I'd like to remind you of 12,000 reasons that you absolutely will not!"

Sound familiar to you? I feel ya! My mind and I have been having a little bit of a discipline issue this week and like a stubborn 2 year old, it just has not wanted to submit to authority! 

This week we went back to MD Anderson to check on the Nuisance (aka cancer). We did the usual blood work, scans, and doctors. We have been through this many times over the past seven (hard to believe) years. The reports were a mixed bag. There was some growth noted on the spots we have been watching. Not what I wanted to hear. The good news is the spots are not compromising my health right now and we are going to continue our watch and see approach.  But here is how my mind game has gone this week:

Me: "Not exactly what I hoped for, but I am SOOO grateful that we get to coast a little longer and that the growth is slow!"
Mind: "But didn't you hear, it GREW?!"

Me: "But it grew slow and I feel GREAT. That is something to be thankful for!"
Mind: "Listen, it GREW. It is PROGRESSING. You may have avoided treatment for now, but you know that won't last forever, right?"

Me: "Maybe you're right. (anxiety creeps up) Maybe I should be worried about that.(sighs deeply, swallows hard)  Here, will you hold my joy while I worry about that awhile?"
Mind: "Of course I will. I am here for you. A person in your position doesn't really have time for joy anyway."

That has been the last few days in my head and it makes me so mad! I have been shown over and over and over in the past seven years that there is always something to be grateful for.There is always hope. There is joy if you seek it.  I know that things can be okay even if things are not all right.  And yet I always get knocked down for a bit after I get bad news. My mind is disobedient. And that infuriates me!

I read some brain research this week that the brain perceives negative stimuli faster and with more intensity that positive stimuli. In fact, the research shows that positive experiences are harder for us to spot. In tests they have noted that the brain picks up on negative stimuli within 1/10th of a second. However, positive experiences must be focused on for 12 seconds longer before we retain it in our memory. That shows that our human nature is to pick up on the negativity around us. We have to work to overcome that bias. We are wired to perceive threats and respond quickly. Sometimes that tendency defeats our pursuit of happiness. There is a verse that I have come to understand in a whole new way in the past years. 2 Corinthians 10:5 says, "We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." Our human nature sometimes argues against what we know to be true about the character of God. I know him to be a provider, a healer, and a sustainer. Yet my nature argues and struggles against that when I am threatened. In those moments I have to fight all the harder to make my thoughts obedient to what I know to be true. 

You and I are in a constant battle for our minds. Whether we are trying to change a habit, change a behavior, or change an emotion, sometimes we are having to fight our own selves. It is possibly the most important battle we will ever fight. We have a choice in EVERY circumstance about how we will respond and how we will view the world around us. In a world that can seem especially dark right now this is an important skill to acquire. It is okay to take a hit and experience some pain and sorrow, but if we want to have a quality life we can't sit there long. We have to SEEK THE GOOD even in the bad. It reminds me of a story I heard this week of twin brothers. One was an eternal optimist, the other an eternal pessimist. Their father sought to balance them out. He took the eternal pessimist into a room filled with the best and shiniest toys. The brother immediately began to cry. The father was surprised by the reaction when the boy began to whine, "They will probably all break or get lost." He walked his optimistic son to the next room which was filled with manure. The stench almost knocked them over when they opened the door. To his shock the optimistic son jumped into the manure and started digging. The father cried, "What are you DOING?!" to which the happy boy replied, "There MUST be a pony in here SOMEWHERE!"

We, my friends, have choices. In the best of times we can choose to focus on the negative and lose our joy and in the worst of times we can focus on the positive and find it. It is a matter of controlling our disobedient minds. I want to challenge you to set your intentions on holding your thoughts captive and seeking the positive around you. Take charge of your internal dialogue and remember all the blessings of the past. In all things there is something good if we seek it. Look for the ponies!

Exhale

“You’re holding your breath. Breathe. You have been here before and each time God has given just what you need. Just when you need it. Breathe. Smile. Breathe. You will be okay. No matter what.”

And so go my thoughts as I sit in waiting room after waiting room. Waiting on tests, waiting on doctors, waiting on answers.  Sometimes I will find myself almost lightheaded and will realize I have been holding my breath. Not sure why I do that. Not sure what it accomplishes, but it seems to be almost reflexive.

As the doctors and nurses come in I am reading their faces, reading their body language, looking for any clue as to whether the news they bring is good or bad. And then they begin to speak— and I hold my breath. The next words they say have huge weight for me, for those I love, for those who love me.

“You’re holding your breath. Breathe. You have been here before and each time God has given just what you need. Just when you need it. Breathe. Smile. Breathe. You will be okay. No matter what.”

“Well, Mrs. Jackson, we have your reports—- it looks like the spots are stable.” And I EXHALE! Then sings my soul, my Savior God to thee, How great thou art!!!!!” I can breathe without needing internal dialogue!! The air, the fear, the hope, and the worry all come spilling out and I inhale the grace and the joy of the moment! How refreshing to my lungs!

Here are the Cliff’s Notes version of our week:
The thymoma spots look much like they did three months ago. That is fantastic news!We will keep moving forward with a watch-and-see approach which brings me great joy! My doctor wants me to visit again with my surgeon just to make sure that we would not be missing a window of opportunity if we delay treatment, but from an oncology perspective, he is comfortable waiting. He wants me to be very clear on the viability (or not) of surgery and the health problems it might create including loss of lung tissue, breathing capacity, etc.

They reviewed the genetic study with me (although I am now realizing I did not ask enough questions!) One of the genetic tests was designed to measure the favorability of response to immunotherapy. It showed a  90% response rate. Super high. The doctor listened to my concerns about that triggering autoimmune diseases that are often associated with thymoma. He felt that risk was fairly low but did share concerns about other health issues it could cause. immunotherapy can trigger any “-itis” encephalitis, pancreatitis, colitis, nephritis— pretty much everything but gingivitis! Lol!

A study they did on my last biopsy shows that the thymoma sample is not secreting parathyroid hormone (PTH) which is running high. That confirms there is an Adenoma (non-cancerous tumor) one the parathyroid glands causing primary hyperparathyroidism. This has led to 5% bone loss in my left arm over two years and a kidney stone. It will continue to cause problems in those areas until treated. Surgery is required for that but they are also good with me waiting if I prefer. I am weighing the pros and cons. And breathing.

When I was a kid we would often throw objects into the deep end of the swimming pool and have contests to see who could swim down and retrieve them. There were times I would get to the bottom, grab the item, and turn to swim back to the surface and start to panic, feeling like I was running out of air. I would kick extra hard and just when I thought I couldn’t hold it for one more second, I would break through the surface, my fist in the air and as I exhaled I called out, “I got it!!!” That is how I feel right now. It has been a time of diving deep, searching for answers and a little more time before the next big step. I have panicked at times feeling like my chest would burst, but today I broke the surface with my fist in the air, exhaling and thinking , “I got it!!”

I am so grateful to God my Father who extends me grace I do not deserve and could never earn. I am grateful for my family and friends who intercede on my behalf and love me through it all! I am grateful for the gift of time! And I am so grateful to EXHALE!!!


Give thanks to the LORD and proclaim his greatness. Let the whole world know what he has done. Sing to him; yes, sing his praises. Tell everyone about his miracles. 1 Chronicles 16:8-9

But Sometimes He Does...

If I have learned anything in my life it is that sometimes God does not answer my prayers in the way I want or expect. There have been seasons of "Wait...", seasons of "No", seasons of "Perhaps." There have been times I begged for a certain reply only to be moved in an entirely different direction.  Last week my Aunt Jane posted a few verses that I LOVE for moments like that. It is what I have been desperately trying to learn and live in the past five years.  It is found in Habakkuk 3:17-19 and says, "Even though the fig trees have no fruit and no grapes grow on the vines, even though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no grain, even though the sheep all die and the cattle stalls are empty, I WILL STILL BE JOYFUL AND GLAD, BECAUSE GOD IS MY SAVIOR! The sovereign Lord gives me strength. He makes me sure-footed as a deer and keeps me safe on the mountains." I love that scripture! I hope that each day I am becoming better at being joyful and glad when the droughts come and the blessings seem scarce because let's face it, sometimes God doesn't respond the way we hope.

BUT SOMETIMES HE DOES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This week we have been at MD Anderson for my follow up appointments after completing radiation two months ago. It always takes every ounce of faith for these appointments, especially after a bad report. We ran the gauntlet again-- tests, more tests, and yet another followed by oncologist, radiologist, and surgeon appointments.  Sometimes God doesn't answer prayers the way you hope, BUT SOMETIMES HE DOES! The spot that was treated by radiation is so tiny that report says it is no longer present!!! The radiologist was impressed with that report. I told him that during treatment I had pictured Space Invaders going in and just blasting the spot. He said, "You must have mobilized your immune system to take care of it."  If you are my Facebook friend you might even remember this picture:

While I am a huge believer in positive thoughts and the body following the brain make no mistake about it, I may have hoped it, but GOD did it! Psalm 30:2-3 says, "Lord my God, I called to you for help, and you healed me. You, Lord, brought me up for the realm of the dead; you spared me from going down to the pit." PRAISE GOD!!

My surgeon explained the spot is still there, just tiny and could just be scar tissue. We will continue to watch it and the other spots. We will continue to trust that God holds our future. We will be grateful for the way God answers ALL of our prayers-- sometimes he doesn't answer them the way we hope, BUT SOMETIMES HE DOES!!!!!

There Is No Place Like Home!

This morning as I opened my eyes and stretched my arms and legs I channeled my inner Dorothy, "There is no place like home. There is no place like home! THERE IS NO PLACE LIKE HOME!"  What a delight to sleep in my own bed, in my own room, in my own house. 

It is the little things that make home home. Waking to your own alarm clock (okay, that was an accident; I didn't realize that it was set -- SNOOZE!); drinking from your favorite coffee cup; sitting on your favorite spot on the couch; listening to your kids talk; bathing your dog (what DID they get into while I was away?!?); lighting your favorite candle; hearing the familiar sounds of life as you know it all around you; all those little things that we sometimes take for granted make our homes Home. Three weeks is a long time to be away from home, but it is nothing compared to another I know. 

This Easter weekend I cannot help but be reminded of another who left his home. He didn't do it to save his own life like I did, in fact, he did it to save mine. He did it to save yours. "For the Son of Man came to seek and to save the lost." (Luke 19:20) He wasn't gone from his home for three weeks, he was gone for 33 years. During that time he gave up all the luxuries of home in order to fulfill his purpose-  to save us from our sin when we couldn't save ourselves. "For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast." (Ephesians 2:8-9) He was hung on a cross, buried in a borrowed tomb and on the third day rose again. Then, finally, he got to go home - to prepare a place for us! "In my Father's house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you.And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also. (John 14:2-3)  

One day we will TRULY be home. And that is the source of my strength. So while I celebrate my homecoming, on this particular weekend I have even greater celebration. I get to celebrate what Christ has done to save me through the cross. I celebrate the healing He has brought in my life and the overcoming of death in His, "For by his stripes I am healed." (Isaiah 53:5) I celebrate the words "It is finished" as I mark the end of radiation treatment, but even more so as I think about them in the context of the cross. "It is finished". (John 19:30) Death is conquered. Salvation is possible. His mission is fulfilled. I celebrate the closing of one chapter of my life and the beginning of the next, yet even more I celebrate that the cross was not the end of the story, but the beginning. "But God raised him from the dead, freeing him from the agony of death, because it was impossible for death to keep its hold on him." (Acts 2:24). I celebrate this weekend with gratitude for what Christ has done in my life and expectancy for what He will do in the future--  because the story is not over. One day He will return and when he does there will be a homecoming that will put mine to shame. " At that time they will see the Son of Man coming in a cloud with power and great glory. When these things begin to take place, stand up and lift up your heads, because your redemption is drawing near." (Luke 21:27-28)

I have much to celebrate! So do you! There is no place like home!

More to tell on this picture soon!!!!!

Progress Updates: We are so grateful to have completed 15 rounds of Proton Radiation! Things went very smoothly and the side effects have been very minimal-- the doctors were very pleased! My skin has had much less reaction than they anticipated which is great. Just feels like a mild sunburn. My swallowing feels a little like something is caught in my throat, but not bad at all. It seems to get tired a little faster when I talk (Rodney and the boys may like that effect! LOL) The fatigue has caught up with me a little in the past few days, but I am hopeful that will pass quickly. I did not realize that the radiation would continue to cause some progressive damage for the next two weeks or so which means some of those things could continue to be impacted, but I have high expectations!! We will go back in a couple of months for scans to see how we are looking. I was surprised to learn that the spot will still be visible on scans (I guess I just thought that it would be obliterated) so they watch the scans just to be certain that it doesn't show signs of life. There are two other spots that we will continue to watch as well. It is likely that we will have to do surgery at some point, but these are slow growing thus far and are not posing a huge risk so we can watch and see a little longer. (I know it seems so strange, but this is the normal with this type of nuisance.) We continue to be thankful for the love and support that everyone has shown us. I honestly do not know where we would be without it! This round seems a little strange because we will have not final outcome of No Evidence of Disease (NED). Part of me feels a little anti-climatic about not being able to say "WE'RE DONE", but the other part of me says, "Oh HUSH, we're done with THIS part!!!" I guess I will listen to that voice! (Don't be alarmed that I am hearing voices - LOL) Thanks for loving us and praying us on!!!!

Standing Where the Fire Has Already Been

Dr. Erwin Lutzer once shared this story, "Many years ago, a father and his daughter were walking through the grass on the Canadian prairie. In the distance, they saw a prairie fire, and they realized that it would soon engulf them. The father knew there was only one way of escape: they would quickly begin a fire right where they were and burn a large patch of grass. When the huge fire drew near, they then would stand on the section that had already burned. When the flames did approach them, the girl was terrified but her father assured her, ‘The flames can’t get to us. We are standing where the fire has already been.’

I came across that story this week and it spoke to my heart.  I have to be honest and say that I sometimes feel like the little girl in the story. The emotions of seeing the flames of the Nuisance creeping across the prairie of my life can sometimes threaten to engulf me, too. I hoped that I would never see those flames again and yet here I am; but just like the little girl in the story, I have a Father who assures me, "The flames can't get to you. You are standing where the fire has already been."  You notice the father didn't say that the flames wouldn't come. He didn't say they wouldn't feel the heat. There were no promises that they wouldn't be singed a little by the flames. They would definitely walk away smelling like smoke, but the flames wouldn't reach them. They were standing where the fire has already been. 

There are many thoughts I have had as I have reflected on this story.  I can't say that there is no fear or discomfort in having to go through treatment for round 2 of the Nuisance, but I can say that having witnessed the fire before I know more of what to expect. Having survived a proverbial blaze I now know more about the importance of holding onto my Father's hand so I don't get separated from him. I know to look at him instead of the flames because the flames are fueled by fear and if I stare at them it is like adding gasoline to the fire. I have learned that being safe does not always mean being comfortable. Fire can still be hot even if it isn't touching you. I have learned to believe that if my father says it will be okay then it will be okay. 

Now that last statement requires taking the lesson to a deeper level. Believing that things will be okay means coming to the realization that God's okay and my okay may not be defined in the same way and I have to trust that His definition, whatever it is, will better than mine. This is where the metaphor moves in a different direction, flames can shift after all.  What if God's okay and our okay are not defined the same way and it involves death? Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego faced that possibility in Daniel 3. They refused to bow down and worship King Nebuchadnezzar and as a result they were being thrown into a fiery furnace. I always hope my response would be like theirs, "If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand. But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.”  Their okay was that they be saved from the flame (which He ultimately did), but their conviction was that even if He didn't they would worship Him still.  Believers can always trust that God's okay is better.  "The flames (death) can't get to us. We are standing where the fire (death) has already been." My okay says that I will come through the fire and have many beautiful days ahead (which I do believe to be true!!!!) BUT even if I don't, I have this assurance-- I am standing where the fire has already been. You see, the thing that gives me the greatest courage is this:  "For God so loved the world that he lay down his one and only son, that whosoever believes in him will not perish, but have eternal life. John 3:16. Someday, either now or 50 years from now, we will all face death, but those  who have accepted Jesus as savior will not be touched by that flame. We will be standing where the fire of Christ's death for us has already been and that spot cannot be touched by death again. Our bodies may fail, but our souls will be secure. That is how we can trust with certainty that His okay will always be better than our okay. That is how we can have courage when we face difficult circumstances. That is how we find peace even in the face of fire.

Do you have struggles in your life that you seem to deal with over and over? Maybe it is the weight that you have to keep losing or the debt you keep having to struggle with. Perhaps it is an argument that you just can't seem to resolve or an illness that just won't go away. Maybe it is all of those things and more! That is how the Nuisance is for me. Where there are prairies there will always be fires. My advice is to hold onto the hand of the Father, fix your eyes on him and trust that while you may smell like a campfire, the flames won't reach you. On a larger scale, my hope is you never have to face the flames of death without the security of believing in one who died on your behalf. For God loved YOU so much that he gave Jesus so that if you believe in him you will not die, but have everlasting life.  As a believer you can trust that the flames can't reach your soul. You are standing where the fire has already been.

I have finished five rounds or Proton Radiation this week (speaking of fire)! We continue to be grateful for you prayers and encouragement! I am feeling great. While we know the effects of radiation are cumulative, we are hopeful that the next two weeks will go as well as the first! 

Thank you for praying us on!

"He (Nebuchadnezzar) said, "Look! I see four men walking around in the fire, unbound and unharmed, and the fourth looks like a son of the gods." Nebuchadnezzar then approaced the opening of the blazing furnace and shouted, "Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, servants of the Most High God, come out! Come here! So Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego came out of the fire, and the satraps, prefects, governors and royal advisers crowded around them. They saw that the fire had not harmed their bodies, nor was a hair of their heads singed; their robes were not scorched and there was no smell of fire on them. Then Nebuchadnezzar said, "Praise be to the God of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, who has sent his angel and rescued his servants! They trusted in him and defied the king's command and were willing to give up their lives rather than serve or worship any god except their own God...for no other god can save in this way."

When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned;
    the flames will not set you ablaze.

Isaiah 43:2