Fearlessly Dependent on the One Who Makes Me Brave

The words whizzed through my mind as though they had been spoken aloud. A sentence I have never heard, a thought I have never had, a statement that I am clinging to-  “Fearlessly dependent on the one who makes me brave”. Fearlessly. Dependent. On the One Who Makes Me Brave.

This week my husband, Rodney, and I have been at MD Anderson. We were here just a few weeks ago and the doctors wanted to follow up on some changes they were seeing on my CT scans. We have traveled back and forth to Houston for five years tracking the progression (and lack thereof) of Stage 4 Thymoma. There have been many ups an downs along the way - suspicious moments, praises for stability, gratefulness for being “unremarkable” on scans. There have been more ups than downs, thankfully. Thymoma, a.k.a. The Nuisance, is just that - a nuisance. It is a cancer that has a tendency to recur. It is known for its slow-growing, indolent (I say insolent) tumors. Much of the journey with The Nuisance includes a watch-and-see approach. Doctors watch to see when and where things are growing and make determinations about when it is necessary to take action. On this particular trip we have learned that action is required.

On Monday I had a PET scan and Tuesday a biopsy on one lymph node of concern. Initially the doctors thought they were seeing just one spot "light up". However, as they studied the scans they discovered there are actually more like three. As I look back through my past reports I can see that at least one of the spots has shown up on my scans since 2013 so it is definitely a slow mover. One of the others appears to have been present as well. It has changed, but slowly. Those two spots are not our concern at the moment. The lymph node that was biopsied is our focus right now  and was positive for The Nuisance on the biopsy. It is between two arteries. It is quite small, but growing. Because of its location it is not surgically removable due to prior surgery scarring. Because of its location and growth, it cannot stay.

As I got ready for my final appointment of the week I felt anything but fearless. That is when the thought passed through my mind. - “Fearlessly dependent on the one who makes me brave.” I can't be fearless right now, but I can be brave. There are times in our lives when frightening circumstances are the reality. You have them. I have them. There are things we cannot overcome, situations we cannot avoid, problems we cannot solve. I have been here many times before. Over and over it has been made abundantly clear to me that I have every reason to fear if left to my own devices and every reason to be brave if I will allow myself to become dependent on the one who does have the ability to overcome.

I remember getting stuck on the roof once when I was a kid (interestingly enough I have done this more than once - some of us are a little slower to learn). I was brave enough to go up, but not brave enough to come down. I couldn’t see where to put my foot and I was so afraid of falling. I couldn’t stay where I was, but I wasn’t brave enough to move. Luckily my dad was there. He helped guide my foot to the perfect position to help me take that big first step. Then he took my hand and helped me take the next one. I trusted that he could see something I could not and I became BRAVE.

I have been that person to my own children. I remember their first rollercoasters. They were scared to death as we waited in line. Their chins would quiver and they would get to the front of the line and want to go back. As they would look over their shoulders they’d see a hundred people behind them and realize they couldn’t go backwards. Forward was the only way through. As parents we knew that if they would just get on the ride they would be okay. We’d encourage them, promise to sit close to them, double and triple check their seatbelts and then ride the ride. There were scary parts, quick turns, big drops, but we knew they’d be okay. Their fear didn’t go away when they stepped on the ride, but they depended on us and in doing so discovered their bravery.  They trusted we could see something they could not. As they road the ride they became BRAVE.

When we faced the first round of The Nuisance I was scared out of my wits, but along the way I found blessings I could not have anticipated. I found just-in-time help every time I thought I couldn’t go on. We found love in the most unexpected places, peace in the most turbulent circumstances, and joy where there should have been only sadness and we trusted in what we couldn’t see and we became BRAVE, not because we were fearless, but because we became fearlessly dependent.

We will be traveling back to Houston. We will go (probably next Monday) for a "simulation" where they will mark the spot and do a CT to get everything lined up. I will then go back the following week to begin radiation (probably proton radiation) on the spot that cannot stay.  I am stuck. I can’t go backwards and I can’t stay where I am. The only way direction is forward. I would be lying if I said I am fearless, but I am fearlessly dependent on the one who makes me brave. I have witnessed his strength. I have seen his provision. I have felt the peace that passes understanding and because of that I can trust that he can see something I cannot see and I will be BRAVE (even if my knees are shaking).

We would love your prayers as we move through the next weeks. Pray for my boys and Rod. Pray for my healing. Pray that God works out all the logistical things that seem really huge right this minute.  And do me another favor. The Nuisance is the thing that I am facing, but you have your own variation of that. You have things that make your knees shake, too. When you can't go backwards and you can't be still, be Fearlessly Dependent on the One Who Makes You Brave.