Dumpster Fire or Burning Bush?

It had been such a fun night! My family was coming home from an evening of cooking out, swimming, and popping fireworks with grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. (Man, I miss those days of family gatherings!) The back of the pickup truck contained the carcasses of Roman Candles, Sparklers, fountains, and artillery shells. We pulled up to the dumpster to unload the firework remains in the dumpster and headed inside with visions of pyrotechnics in our heads.

As we began getting ready for bed, I started to smell something. Smoke, maybe? I looked out the window and yelled, "The dumpster is on fire!!!!!" Oh lawzy, the neighbors were going to LOVE this!!! I was REALLY hoping they wouldn't see us! We scrambled around for a crazy minute trying to decide what to do. The boys and Rodney ran to the alley and I ran to the backyard to grab the water hose. They threw open the lid and I stood in the back yard on the deck of the pool, hose in hand, shooting water over the fence and into the dumpster. It was a bit like the Beverly Hillbillies Celebrate Independence Day. It was quite a sight! (Sure am glad we didn't leave them in the back of the truck though!) I laugh every time I remember that scene. 

Do you ever feel like your life is a bit of a dumpster fire? Things are just a hot mess and you can't seem to get a grip on it? You run around in a panic trying to figure out how to put the flames out, but the proverbial hose in your hand just doesn't seem to be working? Boy, sometimes I do. There are seasons where nothing seems to work, things aren't what I hoped they'd be, and life is hot, hot, hot!  The fire can be all kinds of things - worry, fear, anxiety, family problems, money problems, or even something that you just can't put your finger on. You feel consumed by the flames of what you are going through and a little voice in your head whispers, "Nothing to see here" as others pass by and you hope no one will notice the fire.

My biggest dumpster fire of the day is The Nuisance (Cancer) and all the sparks it sends out into other areas of my life. We recently had our consultation with my surgeon following the Tumor Board's review of my case at MD Anderson. There is some good news and some not-so-good news. The good news is that the board does believe surgery is an option for me right now. We are grateful for that! We know that surgery is really the only way you get rid of cancer. Chemo and Radiation help manage and reduce, but it doesn't usually get rid of it on its own. And chemo is some tough stuff. We are so grateful that surgery is a possibility. Even if it is a tough one. 

The bad news is that the spot we treated with radiation in 2018 appears to have grown. That spot is a lymph node. (Which is a whole other story I will tell you soon!) That was a curveball. The lymph node is near my carotid artery, heart, and other important veins and arteries. If it is The Nuisance, we won't have time to watch and see like we can with the other spots. We will need to do surgery now. The other spark of that fire is that right now COVID protocols would not allow anyone to be at the hospital in Houston with me. That would stink worse than smoldering trash! Surgery will be a thoracotomy which is where they go through my ribs in the back and will remove the lining from my lung, scrape my diaphragm, and grab any visible spots they can see throughout my chest. Those flames are pretty hot, but God is bigger!

The first step to dealing with this fire is heading to Houston for a biopsy to see what is going on in the lymph node. We need to determine if the spot is active or if this is just the ashes and embers of the old flame. If it is Nuisance then we sound the alarm and are on the fast track to surgery. If it isn't, prayerfully, then we will be looking at surgery in the future but can wait a little while to see if COVID protocols change to allow me not to be alone. 

Today I was reading about a fire that happened once upon a time. There was this guy who was out tending to some of his farm animals. Out in the pasture with no one but his sheep, he noticed a fire in the distance. He decided to go check it out. As he got closer he could tell it was a bush fire, but the strangest thing was that the bush was not being burned up. Curiosity piqued, he went closer. As he did, he heard a voice come from the bush. Now that is different. The voice said, "I have seen and heard you and I am concerned for you! I am going to rescue you. I am God". (Paraphrased version- check out Exodus 3 for the full details.) The man was obviously taken back and at that moment the entire direction of his life was changed. In the past when I have read that story, I have always focused on the man and the message, but today I was drawn to the bush. The bush was on fire, but not consumed. It had the purpose of drawing the man, Moses, to God. 

It made me think about the fires we experience in life again. When those flames of trial lick our lives it can be classified as a dumpster fire OR a burning bush. It is a matter of perspective, choice, and faith. A dumpster fire is going to be consuming; it will incinerate, melt, and destroy everything it touches. It is going to really stink, and it serves very little purpose. It will burn us up!

But a burning bush is different. It serves as an invitation to draw closer to God in order to hear his love for us, his concern for our circumstances, and his desire to rescue us. The burning bush may still be hot, but it will not consume us. It doesn't scorch our hearts and reduce our lives to ash. In fact, there is something beautiful about it. A burning bush has purpose. 

Trial by fire is a guarantee in this life. There is no insurance, no flame retardant, no smoke alarm that will keep us from it, BUT we can choose how we respond. We can be a Dumpster Fire or a Burning Bush. One will consume, destroy, and stink to high heaven and the other will withstand the flames, draw us to God, and allow us to experience a little heaven in the midst of the smoke.

When the spark of heartache becomes a blaze hardship and threatens to burn you alive what will you be? Dumpster Fire or Burning Bush? (Be a Bush!!!!!!)

Love ya! Mean it!

Fall...Even the Leaves Are Losing Their Grip!

Woo wee! I don't know what it is about October, but it is always the month when I seem to run out of steam. I love fall, but always seem to hit a wall this time of year. What can I say? Even the leaves are losing their grip! I guess the excitement and energy of starting a new school year begins to give way to routine and exhaustion. Whatever it is, it wears me OUT! You, too? I was thinking today that I need a little perseverance. One of my favorite bible verses is, "Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:30-31. Because I've been feeling a little faint, I decided to study a little on perseverance.

Webster defines perseverance as "the quality that allows someone to continue trying to do something even though it is difficult." That requires some endurance. "Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God's will. Then you will receive all that He has promised." Hebrews 10:36. Receiving all He has promised--well now that sounds like a pretty good deal because Matthew 24:13 says, "But the one who endures to the end will be saved." Can't get a better promise than that. I am all for being saved. So how do we endure through hardships? How do we keep going when the going gets tough? This is what I am learning:

Keep Your Focus
Hebrews 11:27 says, "It was by faith that Moses left the land of Egypt, not fearing the king's anger. He kept right on going BECAUSE HE KEPT HIS EYES ON THE ONE WHO IS INVISIBLE."  Moses had a lot of great reasons to give up and not begin, much less complete, his  journey. Anger of Pharaoh, perceived limitations in his abilities, and a rebellious people could easily cause someone to give up, but Moses didn't. He kept his eyes on the one who is invisible. (That's God, y'all.) I love the way that is phrased. We find more on that thought in 2 Corinthians 4:18, "So we don't look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever." Troubles, trials, fatigue...those things we see now will soon fade so hang on!

Don't Do It Alone
"Search for the LORD and for his strength; continually seek him." 1 Chronicles 16:11.  When we seek and find God, we get to tap into his supernatural strength. I love this verse: "Those who love me, I will deliver; I will protect those who know my name. When they call to me, I will answer them; I will be with them in trouble, I will rescue them and honor them. With long life I will satisfy them, and show them my salvation." Psalm 91:14-16. God is just waiting to deliver us, protect us, support us, rescue us, and satisfy us. That is good stuff! We don't have to do it all alone!

Let Go
"Give all your worries and cares to God, for He cares about you." 1 Peter 5:7. Sometimes hanging on requires letting go. I am not so good at that, but I am trying to get better. Worries and fears add up. They are like a burden upon our backs. Maybe part of our exhaustion comes from carrying around things that God is willing to bear for us. When we are worn and weary, we have to let go and let God.

Someday I want to hear God say, "I know all the things you do. I have seen your love, your faith, your service, and your patient endurance. And I can see your constant improvement in all these things." Revelation 2:19. I hope that each October I get a little better at finding my strength in God. Are you feeling a little tired and worn down? Running a little short on hope because you are exhausted"I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13.

Hang in there! The leaves may be falling, but that doesn't mean we have to!

Don't Be Afraid, Just Believe

When I first started running I wondered how long and far did  you have to run before you could say you were a runner. I decided, "Shoot, if I make it to the end of the block, I am a runner." So I made it to the end of the block, soon a mile, then two, then three, then four...It seemed so hard in the beginning, but the more I did it, the more natural it became. I was afraid I couldn't do it at first. I had never even liked running, but each day I put on my shoes and went. Before long I even dreamed about running. A runner I was.

When I first found out about The Nuisance (the "C" word that shall not be named, for those new to my world) I wondered, "How long until I am considered a survivor?" I decided the rules of running applied. Each minute I live, I am a survivor. I quickly got online and ordered a bracelet deeming it so. I had it stamped with the word survivor and the scripture reference Mark 5:36 which says,  "Don't be afraid, just believe." 

You know, my days are no more numbered than they were before I started this process. None of us are promised tomorrow. We just make the assumption it will be there.  I wonder, how many times do we think, I will start running tomorrow. I will start spending time with people I love tomorrow. I won't work as long tomorrow. I will start being healthier tomorrow.  And how many things do we never start because we don't really think we can do them? We are afraid...and we don't believe.

 What title have you not claimed yet? "Don't be afraid, just believe." The moment you start living  like a great parent, you are a great parent. The minute you act like a loving spouse, you are a loving spouse. As soon as you start paying off debt, you are a financial success. When you put on your tennies and start moving, you are an athlete. You are not called to do things perfectly. Just start doing them.  Each day it will become more natural and you will get better and better at it. Just make it to the end of the block. " Don't be afraid, just believe."

We are all survivors. Somedays it feels more true than others. Since we are surviving, how will we choose to live?

After my surgery, my dreams where I was running stopped. I honestly hadn't even noticed it until this week, when suddenly I awoke and realized that in my dream I was running again. Further and faster than ever before. I am a runner and I am a survivor. What will you be?

Google or God

What is the best way to get to my hotel? Google it. How do you solve this math problem? Google it. Problems with the vacuum? Google it. Best rates on insurance? Google it. Unexpected results on blood work? Google it. 

It seems that for every question, I find myself running to Google for solutions. You, too? We seek relationship advice, parenting suggestions, and answers to life's puzzling questions via the internet. We are in search of quick answers, simple solutions, sound advice that will help us overcome all our problems. I got to wondering the other day if I spend more time consulting Google than God. Who do I talk to more? Have you ever been like that? Or maybe you are not guilty of using the internet. Maybe you turn more to friends and family when problems come along. Not that it is all bad to seek council, but I would pose the same question to you --do you spend more time consulting people (your form of Google) than God? Is it possible that the awesome tools that we have at our fingertips have subtly become a substitute for seeking God for advice?

I have to confess I love searching for recipes, ideas, and cute stuff on Pinterest. I can get lost looking at websites for new ideas and research on new learning. I am a huge fan of all things technology! But I have to wonder if searching for answers to life's little problems has trained me to search for solutions to the big stuff, too? Have I let the search engines become my way of seeking solutions to the exclusion of seeking God for advice?

Through the last year of dealing with a rare cancer, I have found myself scouring the internet for information. Even my doctors don't have answers to many of my questions because there is just not much depth of information available. None of my local doctors have seen a case like me. I have felt a burden (and there has been a legitimate need) to discover answers for the things they cannot tell me. In doing so, I have sat before my computer with my heart racing  and hands trembling in fear over some of the things I have read. I have felt hopeless and powerless when I see man's statistics and survival rates. I have been sapped of my strength as I have searched for earthly answers to my questions. And then it hit me. Never once have I read the Bible and felt that way. Never once has God's word made my heart pound in fear. Never once have I read it and felt more hopeless and powerless. Never once have I been sapped of my strength when I seek His answers in prayer. In fact, I have the opposite reaction. God's word brings comfort and power. In it I find hope and strength. What I seek from Google, only God can give.  Jeremiah 33:3 says, "Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know." All the search engines in the world can not find answers to unsearchable things. Only God can do that. Man's answers to heavenly questions are equivalent to Wikipedia as a source for a research paper-- not to be considered trustworthy unless verified, by God.

So I have some work to do. When I am seeking answers to the big life questions I have to choose between Google or God. I choose God. (But I must confess, I am still relying on Wolfram Alpha and YouTube to help me with my boy's 7th grade math!!!).

 "For the Lord grants wisdom! From his mouth come knowledge and understanding. Then you will understand what is right, just, and fair, and you will find the right way to go." 

 Psalm 2:6,9

In the day of my trouble I call upon you, for you answer me.

Psalm 86:7

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.

Psalm 46:1

What Is Your Sword of Damocles?

Do you ever feel like you have some fear or burden constantly hanging over your head? Maybe it steals your sleep, or serves as a constant nagging companion in your mind. We all seem to struggle with something. As I sat in my surgeon, Dr. Vaporciyan aka Rock Star's, office at MD Anderson last week, I received the great news that I was still clear of the nuisance (aka cancer)! As fabulous as that news was, my mind immediately thought, "Well, what about next time?" How sad is that?! I slid from celebrating and clapping my hands, to fretting about my next appointment. My doctor must have seen it in my eyes because he asked me a question that I want to ask you now. "Have you heard of the sword of Damocles?"

Damocles served in the court of Dionysius. Dionysius was a tyrant who lived a very extravagant life. By all appearances, he had it all. Luxury, feasts, fame and flatterers.  Damocles was one of these flatterers. To Damocles, the life of Dionysius was to be envied. He had no worries, no troubles, just the life of luxury. Damocles so frequently commented on how lucky Dionysius was, that Dionysius grew weary of hearing him say it. To give Damocles a little perspective of his "luck", he invited Damocles to experience life in his shoes. Damocles quickly accepted the offer.

Dionysius had a grand feast prepared. Damocles donned fine garments and reclined at the table enjoying the fine festivities. No doubt he felt he had found the good life. The meal was fantastic. The service delightful. Life could not be better. As he leaned back in his fine chair, something above his head captured his eye. It was a sword, hanging from the ceiling by the hair of a horse. The looming danger suddenly overshadowed the food, clothes and finery. He sat upright  in his chair and looked to Dionysius for an explanation. Dionysius quickly explained that this was what the life of a ruler was like. Damocles expediently excused himself from the table, leaving behind that which he thought he had truly desired.

There are many conclusions one could draw from that story, but the lesson for me was that I have a choice to make each day. I can focus on the feast or focus on the sword. If I focus on the feast, then I choose to pull up to the table of blessing and partake of the festival of life. But if I am not careful, my eyes may shift above my head to the sword. Although I may still be present at the feast, I cannot enjoy it, because I am in constant fear of the sword dropping. It is a conscious decision. Focus on the feast? Focus on the sword?

What is your sword of Damocles? Is it your health? Your finances? Your relationship? Your kids? Is it your list of regrets or failures? Your future? Whatever it is, it is keeping you from the feast! It is robbing you of your blessings! Life can't be spent worrying about what if the sword falls! Matthew says it this way: “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? Matthew 6:25-27

I have a sword over my head. You have one, too. But I have a feast to attend! Wanna go with me? I will save you a seat!

An Angel Named Ida

Do you believe in angels? Not the little cherubs with the round tummies, chubby cheeks and little wings. I am talking about the ones who wear normal clothes, have average faces, and appear in the regular places. They may not be heavenly beings (or maybe they are), but they bring messages all the same!

Yesterday Rodney and I were at MD Anderson Cancer Center for my three month follow up. I will have these appointments for the rest of my life to make sure that the nuisance isn't trying to sneak back up on me. Thymoma can do that. As much as I try to maintain my focus, I have to admit that the thought of these appointments shakes me up a little.

We had completed blood work and a CT scan and were on our way to my final appointment to get news that would either elate or try to crush me. I ducked into the bathroom to get my game face on and there she was, emptying the trash. She had short tight curls, dark skin, and a blue cleaning uniform. With rubber gloves, she busied herself cleaning the restroom. Not exactly how you expect to find an angel. As I stepped out of the stall I was prompted to thank her for the work she was doing, but before I could speak, she spoke to me. As I stood washing my hands, she asked if I was a Christian. I told her that I had been saved since I was six and that honestly I didn't know how I would have gotten through the past year without God. She asked how my faith has been affected by all I have been through. I told her that I had learned amazing lessons about God in the darkness. I shared with her that I was on my way up to get reports to see if my scans were still clean. She stopped wiping the counter, looked at me and said, "They will be, for by His stripes you are healed."

Now a little background knowledge for you, in case those words are not familiar. That phrase is mentioned twice in the bible. You can find it in Isaiah 53:5 and again in 1 Peter 2:24. I have read it and heard it a million times in my life, I have even claimed it during my battle, but I had never noticed what she told me next. She said to me, "In 1 Peter the verse says, "by his stripes YOU are healed" in Isaiah it says, "by his stripes WE are healed". Isaiah was a prophesy of things to come. 1 Peter 2:24 is for you, for by his stripes YOU are healed. You will be okay, for by his stripes you are healed." About that time some other women entered the restroom. She returned to wiping the counter; I returned to washing my hands. As I dried my hands I asked her name. It was Ida. I told her how happy I was to have met her.  She smiled and wished me a blessed day. Somehow I knew it already was.

I walked out of the restroom, my heart lifted. Her words were reminders of the wonders God has done in my life, the healing he has brought to my body and soul. Moments later, I sat in the doctors office. He smiled as he told me my scans were stable and all looked good. Ida's words played in my my mind, "For by his stripes you are healed." I am grateful for healing. I am grateful for answered prayers. I am grateful for earthly and heavenly angels that show up in unexpected places to bring encouragement. God is good---ALL THE TIME!! (and He is not above showing up in a bathroom to remind you!)

Hope Deferred---But Not for Long!

Today I was supposed to go in for round 2 of my Power Aid. I steeled my nerve, put on my big girl hair and prepared to face the challenge. It takes a little  (okay, a lot) of nerve to walk into that place, I cannot lie. But I smiled and bantered when they accessed my port. I cheerfully interacted with the nurse as she updated my information, and  then I tearfully listened as the doctor told me my blood counts were too low for me to have my treatment today. The voice in my head (please tell me you have one, too)  began to scream, "Ugh, all that prep for nothing! This delay throws off our MD Anderson appointments! It means I won't be done by the end of May! It means our Spring Break plans are changed---again!  In our old life we were going to Disney World! Those plans shifted to Houston, and now? Who knows. "

I felt frustrated for a little while, but what do you do? You either sit and have a pity party or you pick up and start walking. I walked. Phooey!

We left the office and went to the main hospital to pick up some medical records that I am supposed to take to MD Anderson-- whenever that is. I called and requested them yesterday and after three call transfers, I was helped by a sweet voice identified as Janice.  She told me she'd have them ready, just to call when I was headed her way. So today I called. She gave me careful directions to find her. When we entered her office I told her how much her helpfulness meant to me. We spoke for maybe two minutes, tops. Records in hand, we thanked her and left. Enter God.

On our way home, Rodney and I stopped to get something  to eat. As we entered the restaurant my phone rang. It was the sweet voice, Janice. She asked me if I had a minute to talk. When I said I did and she began to speak. She told me that she just wanted me to know she had felt compelled (God) to tell me she was going to be praying for me. She said she didn't understand it, but sometimes you just meet people that touch you. She said that she had felt that way when she met me today and wanted to commit to pray for me. By this time I was crying and she was, too. How amazing that a total stranger would 1) want to pray for me, 2) call me to tell me about it and 3) cry with me as she told me. It was such affirmation that even on days when I feel let down, God has His eyes on me. Not only that, but He doesn't want it to be a secret. He wants me to know it. The song (based on Romans 8:28) began to play in my head, "He makes all things work together for my good."

Today wasn't what I planned, but it was exactly what God planned. How do I know? He promises that all things work together for good to those who love Him and have been called according to His purpose. What else did I learn? That a stranger's voice can make a huge difference in someone's life. How many opportunities have I missed to connect to someone? It doesn't take a lot. I know I will be watching for opportunities in the future!

So what now? I wait a week and let my body strengthen then I suck it up and try again. I reschedule MDA appointments. Maybe this just give more time for a miracle. I enjoy Spring Break at home with my family. I avoid sick people like the plague. I spend time being grateful that they are changing all my nausea meds for a better round 2.  I look for chances to be a Janice to someone. You be looking, too! Okay? I want to hear about it when you get your chance!!

Keep marching!

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

If I have learned one thing lately it is this, you don't always get to choose what happens to you in life, but you do get to choose how you respond to it.

When I started my Power Aid (aka chemo, to those of you who haven't read my blog before) I was told I should expect to lose my hair on the 14th day of treatment. Now if you know anything about me, you know I like my hair! Big hair! Maybe it is the Texan in me, maybe I just have good taste (wink, wink), but I like hair. I tease it, spray it, throw it over my shoulder. It makes me happy. It is my friend and part of my persona! I began to beg God to spare my hair. I prayed and bargained. I told him all the ways I would give Him the glory if I could just keep it, but on day 13 I rubbed my fingers through my long locks only to find them no longer on my head, but in my hands. All I could think was, "Hair today, gone tomorrow." (Seriously, that is what I thought--sometimes I scare myself.)

Now just so you know, God didn't fail me or ignore my prayer. He knows how I feel about my hair. He gave it to me. He isn't the one taking it away, but He is the one that will use it to help me see beyond my follicles.  There have been so many times in the last four months that I have thought, "__________ is the worst possible thing that could happen to me."  Over and over God has used ____________ to change my perspective. He is faithful even when times are hard.

Since the first time the "C" word was mentioned back in November, I have wondered how I would face the "bald" truth. Would I be embarrassed? Sad? Crushed? How would my boys feel to be the only 6th graders with a bald mom? Here's what I realized-- the answers to all those questions hinged on one thing. Me. I didn't choose this, but by golly, I would choose how it would happen and how we dealt with it. Weeks ago I decided that this would go down on my terms and would serve a purpose---and there would be cake! I made some proclamations.

Proclamation One- Good would come from this! If it had to lose my hair, it wouldn't be on my pillow, floor or in my trash can! My loss would be someone else's gain. I decided to cut my hair before it became unusable and donate them to Beautiful Lengths.  Pantene works with the American Cancer Society to make free wigs for cancer patients in need. My hair would be of no use to me, but someday someone will tease it, spray it and throw it over their shoulder.  A head in need deserves hair indeed! 

Proclamation Two- I wasn't going down alone. I couldn't imagine how hard it would be to walk into the bathroom alone and shave my head as tears streamed down my face. Worked on Parenthood, but just not my style. I wouldn't do this alone, nor would I go quietly! I decided to fill my bathroom with kids and laughter. This was partly for me and partly for my boys. I wanted to empower them to take some control of this as well. I wanted them to see that together we could face this with courage and confidence. I bought bald wigs for my boys, nieces and nephews, even my Arkansas kids, and requested their presence for a Bald is Beautiful party--even from afar. I put my hair in small ponytails, they slapped on their bald wigs, and together we cut off the locks. My mother, in her bald wig, shaved the rest and as a family found joy, not sorrow and love, not fear or embarrassment.

Proclamation Three- There must be cake! We celebrated the healing, not the loss, the blessings not the trials. God is good and He cares for me. Matthew 10:29-31 says, "Are not not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of the Father. And even the hairs on your head are numbered. SO DO NOT BE AFRAID. You are worth more than many sparrows!" God knows the number of each hair I lost and He cares! I have nothing to fear. My value is not on my hair, it is in His love for me! I am no Samson. Samson's strength was in his hair and the promise it represented. When he lost his hair, he lost his strength. I, on the other hand, am becoming stronger through the loss of my hair. God is using the trial to increase my strength, confidence and faith.

I knew the party had the desired effect when I saw Spencer's post on Instagram. He said, "Tonight I shaved my mother's head, but it wasn't sad. It just means the medicine is working!"  We had a choice. We chose joy!

So here I am, clean shaven and braced for the next wave. I plan on rocking some pretty wigs and "letting my hair down"! When people see me and wonder, "Is that her hair?" Why, yes it is. I have the receipt to prove it! And if for one moment someone thinks of making fun of my baldness, let me tell you another biblical truth I have learned from 2 Kings 2:23-24. "From there Elisha went up to Bethel. as he was walking along, some boys came out of the town and jeered at him. "Get out of here, baldy" they said. He turned around and looked at them and called down a curse in the name of the Lord. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled 42 of the boys." Lesson? Don't make fun of bald people and beware of bears!! (Betcha didn't remember that pieces of Bible trivia!--- thanks Mom!) 

Flee or Face the Giant?

Flee or face the giant? That question has crossed my mind so many times this week.  I have to admit after my first round of Power Aid (aka chemo), I would love nothing more than to run for the hills, hide in a cave, cover my head, avoid further confrontation. This giant seems huge! How could anyone stand up to such a menace? This is no normal fee-fi-fo-fum  giant. Oh no, this particular giant is a master of disguise. At times he appears to be a disease I must conquer. Then his shape shifts, and it is my cure itself I must wrestle.  What is designed to heal me must first destroy me. My body says, "Run away!" What shall I do? Flee or face the giant?

How does one face the giants of the day? Each day I wonder how do I approach the fight? As a little girl, I remember witnessing a giant in the form of a big old bully. She was the meanest person I knew.  I never saw her be nice to another person--ever. Her face was hard and her words were mean.  I was afraid of her. On this particular day, she threatened to cut another little girl's ears off, and by my youthful estimation she could and would have. I remember my stomach being a wriggling bundle of nerves, my knees shaking and my voice quivering, but I knew I had to stand up to this giant. It took all my courage, but I looked at her and said, "Oh no, you won't."  I braced myself for the response, afraid that now I would reap the wrath. But you know what? She just looked at me, surprised and speechless. There was nothing else for her to say. She walked away. She didn't say another word. I beat the giant. I just had to muster some courage.

Sometimes you have to face the giant, but that doesn't mean you will always feel brave. Sometimes your stomach will wriggle, your knees will shake and your voice will quiver, but you know inside it is what you have to do. So you draw a deep breath, look at the giant who says it will defeat you, and say, "Oh no, you won't." 

My giant has made me want to flee the past few days (although Praise God, each day is getting better), but this is what I know. I am not alone. I have this promise: "For I am The Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, "Do not fear. I will help you." (Isaiah 41:13).  Therefore, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. (Phillipians 4:13). 

Tomorrow I will wake up and that giant will be back on the battleground, ready to intimidate me again. He will probably have a few new tricks up his sleeve. Tomorrow I will have to choose-- fight or flee? My puny self will want to run for my life --literally. But I don't have to fight this on my own. I do not face this giant alone.  You are not alone either!! We have one who stands up for us to face the fight. It is not my voice that says, "Oh no, you won't", but the voice of one with far greater power. And in the face of that voice, the giant will be surprised and speechless. What will it be? Fight or flee? Tomorrow I will fight. See you on the battlefield!

The Power of Words

Tomorrow begins one of the biggest challenges I have ever faced. I begin CHEMO (cue the scary music). Chemo is a word than sends fear into most people's hearts. A word that makes us say, "Oh no1" when we discover a friend or loved one will have to endure it. I am getting CHEMO to treat CANCER.  My CANCER is THYMOMA. It is RARE and there is NO ONE I know that has ever had it. Look at all those words. Chemo, cancer, thymoma, rare, no one. Those are some pretty scary words. Can you feel the weight of them as you read?

You know what? You have scary words, too. Yours may be different. Maybe yours are lonely, scared about the future, in debt, conflicted with a loved one, unemployed, sad, failure, ill, lost, stressed...you fill in the blank.

The impact that my  words have had on me, and others in my life, has led me to think a lot about the power of words. As a student of human behavior and the brain, I have long known, from multiple research studies, that what we think and do has a direct impact on how we feel and our physiology (how our body feels). Where we can control what we choose to think and what we do, it is more difficult to change our feelings and physiology. The only way we can change those areas, is by changing how we think and act.  Our emotions and our physical states follow our thoughts and actions. When we think our scary words,  it changes the chemistry of our brain. Our brain in turn sends signals to our body to react. Our body receives the message and responds accordingly. For example, I can sit here and think, "I have a headache." If I dwell on that message, my brain sends it to my body, my body reacts, and soon I will indeed have a headache. There is even research to indicate that people who smile, even though they are in an an unpleasant situation, actually experience more happiness and comfort than those who frown through the same situation. Our feelings follow our thoughts and actions.

The Bible talks about thoughts, too. 2 Corinthians 10:5 says, "...We take captive of every thought to make it obedient to Christ." And how are we to do this? Many scriptures speak to this, but one that stands out to me is Phillipians 4:8 "Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-- think about these things."

My scary words don't meet those criteria. They are not true, noble, pure and lovely. They are not admirable, praiseworthy or excellent.  I am not alone. That is a lie. Cancer and chemo are not lovely. The fear they produce is not admirable or praiseworthy. The way they make me feel is not excellent. If I listen to those words, I am weakened. My brain becomes tuned in to the negative messages, on what seems to big to overcome.  My body will hear my brain, and believe it. It will begin to manifest the lies.  If you listen to your scary words, you are weakened, too. But if we hold our thoughts captive to what we are told to focus on, we unleash God's power in our lives. That is not to say our problems disappear. It doesn't mean we will walk around happy and strong all the time. This life isn't for sissies and the naive. What it does mean, is that as we walk the more challenging paths we will be able to do so more gracefully and will be able to see light in the darkness. The darkness may remain, but we have hope. And not only hope, we will also find joy. Joy endures when happiness fades.

I won't take on the personality of my scary words. I will not own cancer and thymoma. I have a "Nuisance" that I have to deal with so I can continue on my journey. Instead of seeing chemo as something that is going to make me ill and fatigued, and kill off cells in my body, I am choosing to see this healing treatment as "Power Aid".  What flows into my veins is going to make me stronger, not weaker. My rare "nuisance" does not make me alone. I am surrounded by people who love me and are lifting me up on prayer and daily thoughts. The fight does not disappear, but my strength for the fight greatly increases when I stay focused on the truth.

What about your scary words? What lies are hidden in them? How can you reframe those thoughts so that you hold them captive, rather than being held captive by them? I want to challenge your thoughts. Rather than focusing on what you don't want in your life, focus on what you do want. Rewrite your scary words. Let conflict become forgiveness; fear become hope; and failure become second chances. Don't focus on where you are, focus on where you want to be. Most importantly, never lose sight of the one who will take you there.

Let's revisit that first paragraph:

 Tomorrow begins one of the biggest opportunities for healing that I have ever had. I begin my healing treatment that I like to call "Power Aid". I am getting "Power Aid" to treat a little "Nuisance"  so that I will have a long, healthy and joyful future!  Those are some powerful words. Can you feel the strength of them as you read?

I challenge you. Rewrite the paragraphs of your life. And know this, "In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world!" (John 16:33).

As you pray with me along this journey, I pray for you, too. We have different struggles, but we all struggle. Thanks for praying and cheering me on!! I am so blessed!! Now, we have to get back to marching around those walls of Jericho!

Life Lessons From A GPS

Rush hour traffic in Houston (or should I say Rush HOURS)--you have to be NUTS to try to travel during that insanity, but we had no choice. After a change of MD Anderson appointments and necessary cancellation of flights, we were faced with picking up a rental car in one part of town, driving to the airport to drop off another, then trekking all the way across town again.  In order to pull off this challenge, Rodney and I would have to travel in two cars. We were in unfamiliar territory, dependent on our GPSs for directions. We entered our location and began the slow moving, bumper-to-bumper excursion. It was far to crowded to glance down at my map and see where I needed to go. All I could do was listen and obey. If I was careful to listen, and do exactly as told, I would arrive at my destination (in a few, loooonnnggg hours). If I ignored instruction and took things into my own hands, I would soon be lost. Fortunately,  if I somehow got off track (which I did---the only way to change lanes in that traffic is to buy the car next to you)  all I had to do was slow down and listen for further input. My GPS would reroute me towards my original destination. The trip might be a little more complicated, and take a little longer, but I would safely arrive at point B.

I began to see a moral to this story. I realized God is like that GPS. If I will listen and respond to his instruction, I will safely arrive at my destination. Sometimes I don't do that. Sometimes I rush and miss my turn or decide I know a better way.  But because of mercy, God, like the GPS, is happy to reroute me when I mess up---if I will slow down, listen and obey. 

Today I am lost in the rush hour traffic of cancer. I am daily receiving input on the best way to arrive at healing. I have heard from surgeons, oncologists, radiologists, nutritionists, well-meaning strangers and a few cracked websites. Today I got directions to schedule a port placement so we can begin up to six rounds of chemo, one every three weeks. Then we are to travel to MD Anderson after two rounds to see how we are doing and decide on next steps. Looking at this "map" can be too distracting right now.  There is too much going on. Glancing down could easily lead to a crash. My best option is to follow my GPS--God Positioning System. I am counting on him to give me one instruction at a time, redirect me if I get lost, and safely deliver me to my destination . Although I feel stuck, he can see the big picture and knows just how to get me where I need to be. 

So buckle up my little prayer travelers, we are on our way. I may be the only person to ever be grateful for rush hour traffic but I am grateful for the lesson learned!  "Proceed on to your destination." 

In the Details

Thursday was to be our last day at MD Anderson. We had been there for 9 days and were more than ready to return to our home and our family. It had been a week of anxiously waiting for answers, and never feeling like we had quite enough to know where we were heading. Our final scheduled appointments were with a series of doctors who would deliver the game plan---or so we thought.

As we arrived for the series of appointments, we were told that my oncologist, and lead doctor, had been called away for an emergency. I would have to see another physician. My heart dropped. The man who had requested all the tests, who promised all the answers, wasn't available. A week of waiting for this moment and we would not be seeing our primary caregiver. We would start from scratch with a new doctor. There was nothing to do but swallow and say, "Oh, okay."Dejected, we moved to the waiting area, but we quickly decided that God had been so faithful during this trip. He would be faithful in this as well.

After a time, we were called back to the exam room. As they tried to sort through who would see us, we got lost in the shuffle. As we waited for the new oncologist to be assigned, we fell off the radar of the radiologist. It took radiology awhile to realize we were there and had not missed our appointment. Nurses came in and out trying to figure out who would see us and how we would get everything done. They were diligently trying to sort things through.

Finally we were assigned to a new doctor. As we waited to meet her, the radiologist came in to see us. He had index cards on a book ring with information about my case. He was very knowledgeable and helpful. He answered our questions and offered information. His thoroughness was comforting.  As we sat with him, the newly assigned doctor popped in to meet us. We wrapped up with radiologist and began to visit with the her. She had to catch up on our case, but tried hard to do so. She tried to answer our questions to the best of her ability. Ultimately, these two decided that radiation was probably not our first line of defense as we had originally thought. It is important to know that when we originally began this journey, we were hopeful that radiation would be our source of treatment. We thought it had less side effects and didn't sounds as scary. What we didn't realize is that radiation would mean 4-6 weeks at MD Anderson---away from our family. What had seemed desirable was now amazingly frightening. We were thrilled that it would be a final option rather than the first. The doctors were in agreement on that point, but couldn't decide was what should happen next, chemo or more surgery. It was then decided that we should meet with a surgeon for his input. They asked if we could stay another day for an appointment. Doing so would mean missing our flight home, changing our travel plans, delaying hugging our sweet boys. I was so ready to be home, but Rodney quickly said we would stay. As the nurses went to make arrangements, they discovered that the surgeons were already gone for the day. They could not promise we would be seen or what doctor would be available. They would call us and let us know.

We left the office with that familiar feeling of uncertainty. As we sat in the cafeteria, eating and waiting for our shuttle, they called. We would be seen. We began to cancel flights, change rental arrangements and notify our family. Now this is where the story gets good!!

Friday we arrived for our appointment. After a lengthy wait, we were called back to the exam room. The surgeon finally came in and began our consultation. He explained in great depth, with vivid illustrations, what thymoma was and how it functioned. He described how it spread and how it responded to treatment. He began to talk about the two remaining tumors on my diaghram. These tumors were not removed in surgery because we didn't know about them until I was on the operating table. He said that in retrospect, the two remaining tumors could probably now be seen on the original CT scans since we knew what to look for. That was interesting. My surgeon in Lubbock said those exact words to me. I looked at him and said, "That is what Dr. Springer, my surgeon, told me." At this point he replied, "I know Bill well. I trained him. We have had several conversations about your case." My heart jumped in my chest. This doctor, who I wasn't supposed to see originally; who squeezed me in last minute; who was one of eight possible doctors I could have seen; who I might not have been referred to at all had my original doctor been there, had trained the surgeon who operated on me in Lubbock. He had conferred on my case long before we met. Weeks, no years, before this appointment, God had been ahead of me preparing for this moment. Preparing the men who would assist in my healing. Once again, I stood amazed.

We finished our barrage of questions and came to an understanding that surgery was probably not the best place to start. The surgeon was very certain that chemo, which of the three options could be done at home, was the place to begin. We wouldn't begin with weeks of radiation or surgery away from home. We would go to our boys and begin to heal.

 The appointment began to wrap up. The doctor leaned forward and tapped on the cross ring on my hand and said, "I like your ring." I replied, "It is a reminder". He referred back to my Lubbock surgeon, Dr. Springer, and their prior conversations about me.  I asked, "So how did I get up to you and you already know me? How did I randomly end up with the doctor who trained my surgeon and had prior knowledge of my case?" He looked at me and said, "I think you'd have to say it is a God thing." Tears filled my eyes as I replied, "I asked for that today."  He came and hugged me and said, "We'll take care of this." And you know what? I have full faith in that promise. God has been working since my surgeon was in medical school to take care of this. He has rearranged appointments, schedules and doctors to take care of this. God is in the details.

I would never wish this situation on anyone. I would never have chosen it for myself. I wouldn't choose it now given a choice, but I would not want to miss these moments for anything in the world. God has made himself so abundantly evident. Now I know, that I know, that I know that God is God.  My prayer comes from 1 Chronicles 16:11-12: Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always. REMEMBER THE WONDERS HE HAS DONE, HIS MIRACLES, and the judgements he pronounced." I pray I never forget HIS wonders.

A Day at the Beach

January 26, 2013
A Day At the Beach

Here we are in Houston, but this is no vacation. We are here to get answers from MD Anderson regarding our future. Getting here was a miracle. We submitted a request on Friday, received a call on Tuesday and were in the doctor's office Thursday morning.  Over the next week I will be poked, prodded and scanned as we seek answers to questions. Between appointments there are days of time when nothing is happening. On these days I desperately want to be home with my boys, but travel back and forth is just not feasible. So Rodney and I try to pass the time.

Yesterday we drove to Galveston. We needed sun. We needed to be away from sickness. We needed normal. It is funny how God will speak to you when you get away like that. Here are a few lessons from our day at the beach.

As I stood with my feet in the sand, the waves would wash up and swirl over the sand, changing the surface with it's power. I could feel the sand shift beneath my feet where I stood. The thought occurred to me that God has the power to do that in my life and with this illness. With a wave of his hand he can wipe away all traces of disease. I knelt and wrote the word Thymoma in the sand. I stood and watched the wave wash it away. I claim that kind of healing in my life. I look forward to the day when it is all washed away!

As we walked further down the beach I saw sea gulls standing in a line parallel to the water's edge. The waves would come in and wash right up to the line at their feet and they would retrieve the meal that had been delivered to them. They didn't frantically run around looking and searching. They stood, patiently waiting and their needs were met. I have a tendency to run around, impatiently trying to solve problems. Those of you that know me well know that problem solving is something I enjoy. I am pretty good at it actually, but now we face a problem that I cannot solve. Now I have to tap into my "inner sea gull". I have to stand, face the one who has power to deliver, and patiently wait. He will deliver.

It was time to return home. I am still recovering from major surgery so my stamina isn't up to par yet. Tired, yet refreshed, we got into the car for the drive back to the city. As we drove, I closed my eyes and prayed. I prayed waves of mercy would wash my illness away. I prayed all of our needs, especially those of my boys, would be met. I prayed treatment would not require more of them than what a child should have to go through. I prayed for help. As I opened my eyes and raised my head, the very first thing my eyes saw was a billboard. That billboard read, "God Listens".

I

My day at the beach taught me my God has the power to shift the sands of my life and wash away my fears. It taught me to stand patiently and wait and at just the right moment he will deliver just what we need. It taught me "God Hears". Funny what you can learn at the beach when you are not on vacation!

Hand-stitched With Love

Sometimes blessings come in the most unexpected ways. I have been blessed beyond measure by the amazing things God has done in my life during the past ten days.  I will never be able to record them all, but this is possibly one of the most visible gifts God has given me.

When we learned that I would have to have a sternotomy (cracking the chest) to remove tumors from my chest, I experienced a wide range of emotion. There was fear for my health; anxiety about the surgery; and dread for the scar that would forever mark my body. The scar would be a lifelong, visible reminder of the journey. I dreaded seeing the rope-like scar down my body, but in times like this there is little choice but to accept and move on.

In a last ditch effort to minimize the scar, I asked the surgeon if it was possible to use something besides staples to close the incision. I had heard the use of glue might reduce scarring. In response they apologetically told me, "Absolutely not. We always use staples to close the wound to lower the risk of infection. And we leave them in longer than most as a precaution." I swallowed and replied, "Well, I had to ask."  So be it.  

Surgery took place. That is another story. Days after surgery, my bandages were removed. As people entered my hospital room, and caught the first glimpses of my scar, they all made the same comment. "I don't see the staples. That is much smaller than I expected."

As I would look down, I agreed it didn't have that serpentine appearance I had expected , but I would reply, "Well, they must be there because they said there was no other way."

Days passed, I slipped in and out of awareness due to pain medications, but on one particular morning I was more alert as the surgeon's nurses entered my room. I said to them, "Tell me about this scar..."

They didn't allow me to even finish my statement when they began, "Oh my goodness, we couldn't believe our eyes. We walked into the operating room as they were closing your incision. The doctor who was closing, was carefully doing two layers of stitches to safely close your chest and prevent infection and then he sealed it with glue. We have NEVER seen him do that ---EVER. We told him that we had prepared you that you would have staples. He responded, "She was just so young and sweet that I wanted to do this for her."

Unbelievable. I had never met this particular doctor. He had no connection to me. We had never spoken and yet when he looked down on me, he saw something, and was moved to give me a gift he had never given before. His hand-stitched gift will forever remain as an emblem of God's love for me. Through this man's handiwork, God shows me He cares about the details.  I am eternally  grateful.  When you see me, you will see my scar. I will not hide it from you, because it is one of the most beautiful gifts I have ever been given. I am hand-stitched with love.