A Disobedient Mind and a Pony

Do you ever decide to do something only to find that your mind will not cooperate? It goes something like this:

You:  "I am going to work out everyday this week!" 
Mind: "Um, you know there is a new season of your show on Netflix, right? I don't think so." 

You: "I am going to eat healthy." 
Mind: "After this Oreo (package), perhaps." 

You: "I am going to clean out my closet today."
Mind: "You might be able to fit into those jeans from high school someday. Better slow your roll."

You: "I am going to stick to my budget this month."
Mind: "SALE!!!!!"

You: "I am going to choose Joy." 
Mind: "Actually, I'd like to remind you of 12,000 reasons that you absolutely will not!"

Sound familiar to you? I feel ya! My mind and I have been having a little bit of a discipline issue this week and like a stubborn 2 year old, it just has not wanted to submit to authority! 

This week we went back to MD Anderson to check on the Nuisance (aka cancer). We did the usual blood work, scans, and doctors. We have been through this many times over the past seven (hard to believe) years. The reports were a mixed bag. There was some growth noted on the spots we have been watching. Not what I wanted to hear. The good news is the spots are not compromising my health right now and we are going to continue our watch and see approach.  But here is how my mind game has gone this week:

Me: "Not exactly what I hoped for, but I am SOOO grateful that we get to coast a little longer and that the growth is slow!"
Mind: "But didn't you hear, it GREW?!"

Me: "But it grew slow and I feel GREAT. That is something to be thankful for!"
Mind: "Listen, it GREW. It is PROGRESSING. You may have avoided treatment for now, but you know that won't last forever, right?"

Me: "Maybe you're right. (anxiety creeps up) Maybe I should be worried about that.(sighs deeply, swallows hard)  Here, will you hold my joy while I worry about that awhile?"
Mind: "Of course I will. I am here for you. A person in your position doesn't really have time for joy anyway."

That has been the last few days in my head and it makes me so mad! I have been shown over and over and over in the past seven years that there is always something to be grateful for.There is always hope. There is joy if you seek it.  I know that things can be okay even if things are not all right.  And yet I always get knocked down for a bit after I get bad news. My mind is disobedient. And that infuriates me!

I read some brain research this week that the brain perceives negative stimuli faster and with more intensity that positive stimuli. In fact, the research shows that positive experiences are harder for us to spot. In tests they have noted that the brain picks up on negative stimuli within 1/10th of a second. However, positive experiences must be focused on for 12 seconds longer before we retain it in our memory. That shows that our human nature is to pick up on the negativity around us. We have to work to overcome that bias. We are wired to perceive threats and respond quickly. Sometimes that tendency defeats our pursuit of happiness. There is a verse that I have come to understand in a whole new way in the past years. 2 Corinthians 10:5 says, "We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." Our human nature sometimes argues against what we know to be true about the character of God. I know him to be a provider, a healer, and a sustainer. Yet my nature argues and struggles against that when I am threatened. In those moments I have to fight all the harder to make my thoughts obedient to what I know to be true. 

You and I are in a constant battle for our minds. Whether we are trying to change a habit, change a behavior, or change an emotion, sometimes we are having to fight our own selves. It is possibly the most important battle we will ever fight. We have a choice in EVERY circumstance about how we will respond and how we will view the world around us. In a world that can seem especially dark right now this is an important skill to acquire. It is okay to take a hit and experience some pain and sorrow, but if we want to have a quality life we can't sit there long. We have to SEEK THE GOOD even in the bad. It reminds me of a story I heard this week of twin brothers. One was an eternal optimist, the other an eternal pessimist. Their father sought to balance them out. He took the eternal pessimist into a room filled with the best and shiniest toys. The brother immediately began to cry. The father was surprised by the reaction when the boy began to whine, "They will probably all break or get lost." He walked his optimistic son to the next room which was filled with manure. The stench almost knocked them over when they opened the door. To his shock the optimistic son jumped into the manure and started digging. The father cried, "What are you DOING?!" to which the happy boy replied, "There MUST be a pony in here SOMEWHERE!"

We, my friends, have choices. In the best of times we can choose to focus on the negative and lose our joy and in the worst of times we can focus on the positive and find it. It is a matter of controlling our disobedient minds. I want to challenge you to set your intentions on holding your thoughts captive and seeking the positive around you. Take charge of your internal dialogue and remember all the blessings of the past. In all things there is something good if we seek it. Look for the ponies!

Backstage Blessings

Today I had the pleasure of listening to an assembly by a man named Alex Sheen called “Because I Said I Would” (https://becauseisaidiwould.org/). It was a lesson on being a person of your word and of character -- something greatly needed in our world these days. Alex’s story, and ultimately his movement,  was sparked by the loss of his father to Stage 4 cancer. I am not going to lie. When I listened to him tell of the impact of that loss I could feel the fear and panic creep up my soul. I stepped behind a column to try to gain my composure but it was a lost cause. I left the auditorium and slipped to the quiet dark of the backstage area and repeated a process that has served me well in the past six years. I ran to words to calm my soul.

“Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.”

Surely he will save you

    from the fowler’s snare

    and from the deadly pestilence.

He will cover you with his feathers,

    and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

You will not fear the terror of night,

    nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,

    nor the plague that destroys at midday.

A thousand may fall at your side,

    ten thousand at your right hand,

    but it will not come near you.

You will only observe with your eyes

    and see the punishment of the wicked.

If you say, “The Lord is my refuge,”

    and you make the Most High your dwelling, no harm will overtake you,

    no disaster will come near your tent.

For he will command his angels concerning you

    to guard you in all your ways;

they will lift you up in their hands,

    so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.

You will tread on the lion and the cobra;

    you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

“Because he loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him;

    I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.

He will call on me, and I will answer him;

    I will be with him in trouble,

    I will deliver him and honor him.

With long life I will satisfy him

    and show him my salvation.”

I was reminded of all the times He has hidden me in the feathers of his wings. I recalled the times He has calmed my terrors and quieted my soul. I began counting the times He has rescued me from the impossible. Gradually the fear began to subside. Sometimes the calming of the fear and anxiety is abrupt and stops sharply. Other times the process reminds me of the wave pool at water parks. The water doesn’t stop rocking just because someone flipped a switch. The waves can continue to come for a few moments after the calming begins. I was experiencing that today. I would start to feel the fear reside and another wave would follow. What if??? What IF?! WHAT IF?!?!?!!!

Just when I felt like I was going back under a reminder popped up on my phone. I glanced down to see, the verse...

“I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” Psalm 91:2. A verse from the very scripture I had run to.

It was as if God said, “Okay, Anna. I guess you didn’t hear me so I will repeat it for you slowly. Chill out! I am your refuge. I’ve got this! Trust me.”

And just like that the wave pool went still.

I don’t know what your fears and anxieties are. But God does. And he cares enough to repeat himself when you are scared and worried. Just like he met me in the darkness of backstage he is happy to meet you! And if you need him to tell you more than once? Well, He loves you so much he will gladly do so!

PS I HAD TO COME BACK AND ADD THIS! As I was closing down for the night I thought I would look at the verse one more time. I went to my bible app to read it. Below is a screenshot of the verse of the day. It is not the verse that popped up on my phone at 9:12 this morning. I cannot find that one on here anywhere. I would say I don't know how that could happen, but I guess that isn't true. He can do all things!

P.S.S.-- I had to add more! My sister texted me this morning to point out that the screenshot I posted of Psalm 91:2 popping up on my phone was taken at 9:12. Yet another reminder that God sees me. He is intentional in his timing and in His reminders of His love. 9:12, Psalm 91:2, "I see you, Anna. I know how you feel right this minute. I know just the words you need. It is 9:12 and I want you to know I am your refuge. I told you so in Psalm 91:2. Read it again.  P.S.- I love you."

Exhale

“You’re holding your breath. Breathe. You have been here before and each time God has given just what you need. Just when you need it. Breathe. Smile. Breathe. You will be okay. No matter what.”

And so go my thoughts as I sit in waiting room after waiting room. Waiting on tests, waiting on doctors, waiting on answers.  Sometimes I will find myself almost lightheaded and will realize I have been holding my breath. Not sure why I do that. Not sure what it accomplishes, but it seems to be almost reflexive.

As the doctors and nurses come in I am reading their faces, reading their body language, looking for any clue as to whether the news they bring is good or bad. And then they begin to speak— and I hold my breath. The next words they say have huge weight for me, for those I love, for those who love me.

“You’re holding your breath. Breathe. You have been here before and each time God has given just what you need. Just when you need it. Breathe. Smile. Breathe. You will be okay. No matter what.”

“Well, Mrs. Jackson, we have your reports—- it looks like the spots are stable.” And I EXHALE! Then sings my soul, my Savior God to thee, How great thou art!!!!!” I can breathe without needing internal dialogue!! The air, the fear, the hope, and the worry all come spilling out and I inhale the grace and the joy of the moment! How refreshing to my lungs!

Here are the Cliff’s Notes version of our week:
The thymoma spots look much like they did three months ago. That is fantastic news!We will keep moving forward with a watch-and-see approach which brings me great joy! My doctor wants me to visit again with my surgeon just to make sure that we would not be missing a window of opportunity if we delay treatment, but from an oncology perspective, he is comfortable waiting. He wants me to be very clear on the viability (or not) of surgery and the health problems it might create including loss of lung tissue, breathing capacity, etc.

They reviewed the genetic study with me (although I am now realizing I did not ask enough questions!) One of the genetic tests was designed to measure the favorability of response to immunotherapy. It showed a  90% response rate. Super high. The doctor listened to my concerns about that triggering autoimmune diseases that are often associated with thymoma. He felt that risk was fairly low but did share concerns about other health issues it could cause. immunotherapy can trigger any “-itis” encephalitis, pancreatitis, colitis, nephritis— pretty much everything but gingivitis! Lol!

A study they did on my last biopsy shows that the thymoma sample is not secreting parathyroid hormone (PTH) which is running high. That confirms there is an Adenoma (non-cancerous tumor) one the parathyroid glands causing primary hyperparathyroidism. This has led to 5% bone loss in my left arm over two years and a kidney stone. It will continue to cause problems in those areas until treated. Surgery is required for that but they are also good with me waiting if I prefer. I am weighing the pros and cons. And breathing.

When I was a kid we would often throw objects into the deep end of the swimming pool and have contests to see who could swim down and retrieve them. There were times I would get to the bottom, grab the item, and turn to swim back to the surface and start to panic, feeling like I was running out of air. I would kick extra hard and just when I thought I couldn’t hold it for one more second, I would break through the surface, my fist in the air and as I exhaled I called out, “I got it!!!” That is how I feel right now. It has been a time of diving deep, searching for answers and a little more time before the next big step. I have panicked at times feeling like my chest would burst, but today I broke the surface with my fist in the air, exhaling and thinking , “I got it!!”

I am so grateful to God my Father who extends me grace I do not deserve and could never earn. I am grateful for my family and friends who intercede on my behalf and love me through it all! I am grateful for the gift of time! And I am so grateful to EXHALE!!!


Give thanks to the LORD and proclaim his greatness. Let the whole world know what he has done. Sing to him; yes, sing his praises. Tell everyone about his miracles. 1 Chronicles 16:8-9

The Gambler

The Gambler - Kenny Rogers

If you have been around me much then you are probably aware that I have a soundtrack playing in my mind at almost any moment of my life. The songs may be prompted by the rhythm of my steps, the task I am completing, or a key phrase that you probably don't even realize you said. My poor office mates have grown semi-accustomed to my melodious outbreaks throughout the day. They just shake their heads and roll their eyes.

Recently the lyrics that have been on a continuous loop in my mind are "You gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, know when to run"  (Thank you, Kenny Rogers). I hope it doesn't sound sacrilegious to say that it has become somewhat of constant prayer in my mind. I am praying that I know when to be still, that I know when to let go of things, that I am wise enough to know when to walk away from something and sharp enough to know when to run!

When we found out in January that The Nuisance was back I had one goal --- to enjoy the boy's senior year and graduation. I was eager to postpone treatment while we ran a genetic study.  When MD Anderson called and said, "Mrs. Jackson, we noticed you have postponed some appointments and just wanted to see if there was a reason" I replied, "Yes, ma'am, two of them! Their names are Sawyer and Spencer."  It bought me the time I needed to soak in every moment of this special time in their lives. It has been a gift that I cherish, but it doesn't mean that I haven't fallen into a rabbit hole of fear a time or two along the way.

Having a rare cancer means that I have a greater responsibility to do some of my own research. It has saved my life multiple times -- literally, but it is also a very slippery slope. It is EXTREMELY easy to get focused on the nuisance and on trying to fix things myself. Shifting focus to the research can easily move my mind from God and fear will POUNCE! Like a beast! It will make me stand in Walmart thinking that I might scream. It will rob me of sleep. It will make it hard to breathe and feel like a huge weight upon my chest. It will isolate me even in a room of people. That fear was exacerbated a few months ago by the loss of my dear friend Jenny. She lost her battle with Thymoma, but it wasn't cancer that robbed her. It was autoimmune diseases associated with the cancer. That has made thinking about treatment options seem even more frightening. What if the treatments trigger a whole new set of issues? I feel so great right now and to think of sacrificing that doesn't sound so great.  AAAAGHHHHH!!!! ("When I am afraid, I put my trust in you! Psalm 56:3" Sorry, I had to type that to get my head back on straight!)

So today I find myself on the road to Houston. I will have CT scans, bone scans, and blood work. I will see a variety of doctors. I will get the results of my genetic study. I will find out what the Nuisance has been up to in the past four months. And I will have decisions to make. I need to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, know when to run. Boy, do I need to know that!

So here are my prayers:
I pray for a miracle! What a blessing it would be for the scans to be clear or even stable so that I can go longer without treatment! Oh, what blessing that would be! But even if He doesn't I will praise him still!
I pray that if we need to take some action that I will know what option is best -- the cards on the table appear to be two trials or chemo, but who knows what the dealer will add this week.  One thing I have come to realize is that there are some things worse than cancer - sometimes the treatment is worse than the disease. I know that we may have to jump here sometime and will do so if that is what is required of me, but I am praying that I can buy time as long as possible before we go there. (hum the chorus with me, You gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, know when to run).
I am also prayerful that if it is time to get additional opinions that I will know that as well. Maybe someone else needs to look at the hand I am holding.

For all the things I don't know right now, here are the things I do:
1) I cannot heal me. Doctors cannot heal me. My healing can only come from my Father. He may use me and physicians, but HE is the great physician.
2) Sometimes, like the thorn in Paul's side (2 Corinthians 12:7-10), God, for whatever reason, doesn't heal like we wish. Instead, he sustains. Instead, he uses the thorn for good purpose. Instead, he uses our weakness to show his power. HE loves me more than I love me and if for some reason this is for my good then this is for my good. I surrender to that.
3) This Nuisance WILL bring glory to God. That doesn't mean I don't get scared. It doesn't mean I don't sink sometimes. It doesn't mean I don't wish it would go away, but BY GOLLY I WILL NOT LET IT RUIN MY LIFE OR STEAL MY JOY! My joy comes not from my circumstances but from the savior who sustains me THROUGH my circumstances.
4) We don't control the hands we are dealt, but we can control how we play the game. "So if you're gonna play the game boy, you gotta learn to play it right." I am trusting God to teach me how to play it!

Please join us in praying for this week and the future. Pray that as we make decisions that we will clearly hear God's prompting and will know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, know when to run...

Trapped Like a Turkey?

Surprises lie around every corner. I have gotten to where I love to watch for them because they often teach me something important.  I had one of those moments today. On my drive to work, my attention was captured by an unusual sight. Movement caught my eye and when I glanced over at I noticed a wild turkey frantically pacing back and forth behind a fence desperately looking for a way out.

You could tell by the poor bird's movements that his little turkey heart must have been in full-blown panic mode as it searched and searched for an escape.  Now you, I, and Arthur Carlson from WKRP in Cincinnati know (If you don't get that reference then you owe it to yourself to click the link and enjoy!) turkeys cannot fly -- at least not the fattened Thanksgiving turkeys that we eat. But wild turkeys? Now that is a different story. While it is true that wild turkeys spend a lot of time on the ground and will never join geese or other birds on long-distance flights, they are actually capable of flight. In fact, their survival depends upon it. In the evenings they roost high up in the trees for safety. This is a picture I took at camp last Christmas. Do you see them?

The height of these branches is FAR greater than the height of the chainlink fence that had my little feathered friend in a tizzy. I chuckled a little as I thought, "What a foolish bird. He's forgotten he can fly!"  And then I realized that he is not the only turkey. 

How often am I confronted with an obstacle and I react by desperately pacing back and forth completely forgetting that I have the gift of flight? I get focused on the proverbial fence and completely forget the tools of escape that I have at my disposal. Over and over in scripture, I am reminded that God has equipped me for freedom and not the entrapment of fences. 

He Gives Me Strength and Renewal

Isaiah 40:31 "But they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles (turkeys); they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint."

He Helps Me When I am Fearful and Dismayed

Isaiah 41:10 "Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

He Provides Escape So I Don't Get Tangled Up

1 Corinthians 10:13 No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. But God is faithful. He will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you can bear and when you are tempted he will provide a way out so that you can endure it."

So today I am thankful for my frantic little fowl friend for he gave me a good reminder. When faced with a fence I must remember that I can fly!

Oh, that I had wings like a dove (ahem, turkey); then I would fly away and rest! Psalm 55:6

When It All Comes Tumbling Down

Do you remember when you were a kid and had worked so hard to build something out of blocks only to have it come tumbling down? Sometimes someone accidentally tipped things over, other times it was an intentional act. Occasionally you were the incidental source of destruction, and sometimes there was just no apparent cause for why things fell. They just did. When it all came tumbling down sometimes we got angry, sometimes we cried, and sometimes just "took our blocks and went home".

Then we grew up and we set childish things aside and got busy building our lives only to discover that sometimes things still come tumbling down.  As adults, we work so hard to get everything stacked neatly. We lay a foundation for a family. We add walls of careers. We embellish with friends and activities. We carefully structure it so that everything looks good on the outside. About the time we settle in and think, "This is just what I had in mind", something happens to make it all come tumbling down. Just like in the block pile at kindergarten, the cause of the collapsing might be accidental. There is an unexpected car wreck or a bill you sincerely meant to pay. Other times it is caused by a very intentional attack upon us -- the divorce papers out of nowhere, the gossip behind our backs, the bullying of our kids.  Sometimes as we sit in the debris we realize we are the source of our own destruction. That word we said, that action we took, that choice we made led to a consequence of crumbling. Finally, there are those times that there just doesn't seem to be an explanation. We have done the right things, been in the right places, prayed the right prayers and yet here we sit.

For the last few weeks, I have been sitting in a pile of blocks. After we discovered that "The Nuisance" had returned and then we discovered that there was even more spots than we knew about I once again felt as if some big ole bully had come and kicked down the blocks of my life. With sadness I watched my boys faces fall when we told them we were back on the battlefield. With fear I grieved over the potential collapse of my health. With disappointment I wrestled with the losing the strength I have been rebuilding for the past six years. With anger I understood that this destruction is taking place just when my boys are at such a critical turning point with graduation in May and college in August and will have a great cost. Just like that kid in kindergarten I have felt angry, I have cried, and I have SO wanted to just take my blocks and go home!

You know the feeling because you have been there too. It isn't just cancer that brings about destruction on either a large or small scale. Remember how you felt it when you watched as your child was struggling in school or didn't make the team? Oh, and that time that you REALLY wanted that job but it didn't work out? Yes, you felt it then as well. Then there was that time that your relationship was on the rocks. Everything you two had been working for began to crumble. You DEFINITELY felt it then. You know how I feel because at different times in life you have been sitting in a pile of rubble too. You felt angry, or sad, or disappointed, or afraid, or all of the above! Because we all will. In our lives, probably multiple times, something will come along to knock down our blocks. It has been happening since the beginning of time. (Thanks Adam and Eve. Just kidding, if it hadn't of been you it would have been me!) So what do we do?

For the past couple of weeks I have been desperately wanting to get to rebuilding, but I was STRUGGLING!!!! HARD!!!!  I tried to mask the level of my despair, but I am going to be fully transparent here, I wasn't okay. My faith has never been stronger, yet I have rarely felt weaker. There have been moments when I have been scrambling to figure out what I can do to fix things. There have been times I have sat alone and cried, not wanting anyone to see my tears. I began to realize that I was seeking my building plans in books, and blogs, and doctors when that was not where they are. So I turned to the Master Builder and he began to remind me of some important truths through a story captured in the Bible in Nehemiah chapter 4.

In our rebuilding, we will experience ebbs and flows in our strength and courage. We must constantly remember where our strength comes from.
Nehemiah was a man who was responsible for leading the rebuilding of the walls of Jerusalem. The walls of that great city had been destroyed, but Nehemiah had been called by God to lead the Jews to rebuild. As he did so the Jewish people experienced many emotions. In the beginning they worked with all of their hearts (Nehemiah 4:6) and they made progress. But as they continued to work they felt their strength fail. "There is so much rubble that we cannot build the wall." (vs 6).  They became overwhelmed by the immensity of the task at hand. As we begin the process of picking up our own pieces we have to remember that there will be moments when we feel inspired and courageous and there will be other times that we can barely shoulder the load. When you and I are weak it is to our benefit to remember that God is not and that "he is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine." (Ephesians 3:20) Our strength will ebb and flow, but His does not.

There will be times that we experience fear and must remind ourselves who fights for us.
The Jewish people rebuilding the walls had moments of great fear where the outside forces seemed too powerful.  They had received direct threats and were overwhelmed with fear of their enemies attacking (vs 10-12). You and I have an enemy that LOVES to attack when we are weak.  He feeds off our fear. (OHHH that makes me so MAD!!!!!)  In those times we must "Remember the Lord, who is great and awesome and fight ...for your sons and your daughters, your wives and your homes" (vs 14). When we are under attack and afraid it is more important than ever to remember the awesomeness of our God, THEN we can be ready to fight. And fight we must-- for our spouse, our children, our homes. We don't just do it for ourselves, we do it for those we love.

We cannot rebuild our lives on our own. We need people to stand in the gap for us.
Nehemiah recognized that the rebuilding of the wall could only be completed if there were people standing in the gaps while the laborers worked. He made sure that half of the men did the work of rebuilding while the other half posted themselves in the gaps and behind the workers with weapons at the ready. With that security in place, the workers could do their thing. (vs.  16-17) You and I need that, too! This week I finally broke down with a dear friend who reminded me I couldn't do this alone. I do not like for my family to be afraid or worried. I do not like my friends to feel like they have to carry me. If you have read much of my stuff or know me in real life then you know I like to do it myself and protect others. That isn't okay. Once I set that down and let people see my gaps they eagerly stepped in armed with the power of prayer. I felt the warriors line up behind me and almost immediately I felt a very literal weight come off my chest.  God did not intend for us to do life alone. I need you. You need me. We must stand in the gaps for one another if we are going to succeed at rebuilding.

While we rebuild we need to stay alert. 
When we begin to feel the fear reside a little and our strength returning it is very easy to fall back into the work of rebuilding and shift our focus but we have to stay alert for unexpected attacks by the enemy. About the time we think we are safe that enemy will pull a sneak attack. So while we rebuild we need to stay armed.  "Those who carried materials did their work with one hand and held a weapon in the other, and each of the builders wore his sword at his side as he worked."  (vs. 17). How do we arm ourselves?  Psalm 28:7 says, "The Lord is my strength and my shield." If He is our shield then we must stay behind him. We must follow him. In order for a shield to provide any protection, it must be out in front. As soon as we creep ahead on our own we are outside his protective covering. That is a dangerous place to be. I finalized realized that in the last few weeks I have been moving out ahead of him trying to figure out the best way to heal myself. Truth is, I can't. HE is my healer. HE is our protector. HE is the source of our strength. We arm ourselves as described in Ephesians 16:10-18 "Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes.  For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people."  As we begin to rebuild we arm ourselves and stay alert. We aren't fighting a physical battle even though it may feel this way. This is spiritual warfare. Stay on guard. 

REMEMBER who fights for us.
Rebuilding is hard work. It will have emotional, physical, and spiritual ups and downs, but "Our God will fight for us." (vs 20) That is where our hope comes from. I can give testimony to the fact that each time I thought things were impossible He has stepped in and proven that impossible for me is not impossible for him. He is so faithful yet in our human weakness we are quick to forget that. REMEMBER!!!! 

Keep Working
When things in our lives have been knocked down it is okay to sit there for a minute and cry. It is okay to be angry and hurt. It is okay to question. All of those emotions we experience are valid and we shouldn't feel ashamed or wrong to have them. We should tell God about it. We can tell him about our hurt. We can be honest about our anger. He is big enough to hear our worry and fear. And after we have taken that moment to feel and to pray, we remember the first few words of Nehemiah 4:21, "So we continued the work..." Satan would love nothing more than to leave us in our rubble. He would like nothing more than to win. But he forgets who fights for us. So we take a deep breath and remind ourselves that God will fight for us. We step back behind God's shield and call our warriors to stand in the gap for us. We bend down and pick up our weapons, wipe off the tears and continue the work. 

I remember back to those days in the block pile of my childhood. Nothing made me angrier than a bully. I would stand up to them on my behalf and I would stand up to them on the behalf of others. Right now I am facing a bully I call "The Nuisance". I have cried and I have mourned. I have worried and been afraid, and while my walls may experience a little crumbling as I go I WILL NOT let it tear me down because God fights for me ---when I get out of his way and let him. Now it is time for the season of rebuilding. Is it time for you as well? Are you reading this from your own pile of rubble? Have you been crying, angry and just ready to take your blocks and go home? Don't give in to that. Come on. I will stand in your gap and you can stand in mine.

Why Are You So Afraid?

Sometimes it is just hard. I wish that every day of my life I moved forward with the confidence and faith that would make God proud of me, but some days it is just harder than others. I don't always know which days will be the tough ones. Occasionally they just sneak up on me. I guess I am feeling that way a little today. We have been at MD Anderson this week. I had a biopsy on Thursday to do some genetic testing on the Nuisance. It will take a few weeks to get information back. Friday we saw my surgeon who helped us compare my most recent scans to those of 18 months ago. It was visibly evident that about six (which I thought were only three) places have been growing. Not crazy growth. Just growth. We rationally sat and discussed further the possible options for treatment. Surgery. Trials. Chemo. Nothing. There were no tears, no emotional reactions, just facts and questions.  After some discussion, it was decided that he would present my case to a board of doctors to get their input into our next steps. More waiting. We loaded up and headed home.

I am not sure why, but today was a tougher day. The doubts and fears have been scratching at my heart.  I have felt a lump in my throat and have found myself worrying over decisions that I don't have to make today. I have felt caught in a bit of a storm of emotion. I learned a long time ago that when I feel myself sinking it is important for me to regain my focus. Several years ago I marked my Bible with all the passages I could find of God's promises and his healing so I could quickly be reminded of God's faithfulness. As I began to read I was reminded of this story.

"That day when evening came, he (Jesus) said to his disciples, “Let us go over to the other side.”  Leaving the crowd behind, they took him along, just as he was, in the boat. There were also other boats with him.  A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped.  Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, “Teacher, don’t you care if we drown?”  He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, “Quiet! Be still!” Then the wind died down and it was completely calm.  He said to his disciples, “Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?”  They were terrified and asked each other, “Who is this? Even the wind and the waves obey him!”  Mark 4:35-41

Why are you so afraid? Do you STILL have no faith? That phrase hit me in the face like a cold splash of water. After all that I have seen him do how can I still have no faith in him to deliver me? I have seen him provide, I have seen him heal, I have seen him fulfill. Yes, there is a storm, but I have seen him walk on water in those! Today my fears led me to hysterically cry out in my mind, "Teacher, don't you care if I drown?!" I have focused on the cells in my body that are misbehaving, blinding me to the fact that over 3 trillion are highly functioning and healthy. Fears have whispered, "Do you remember all those days you felt really lousy during chemo and surgery?" causing me to forget that in the past six years I have had over 2000 days of PERFECT health. Today I have had moments where I thought the waves would sweep right over my little boat when I just needed to get my eyes back on the one who can rebuke the waves. 

I feel like a kindred spirit to Paul (2 Corinthians 12: 5-10 NLT). I have a thorn in my side. I have prayed for God to remove it and like Paul, the thorn remains, but I am reminded "My (God's) grace is all you need. My (God's) power works best in weakness."  Last year when I had a recurrence God gave me the beautiful phrase Fearlessly Dependent on the One Who Makes Me Brave. I am not fearless today, but all I don't have to be. I only have to be fearlessly dependent. His power is most evident in my weakness. 

So I will take my seat back in the boat. I will get my eyes off the storm and get them back on the master of the seas. If even the wind and waves obey him, then I can trust him with the storm in me! (AND YOU CAN, TOO!)

1. When upon life’s billows you are tempest-tossed,
   When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
   Count your many blessings, name them one by one,
   And it will surprise you what the Lord has done.
   • Refrain:
     Count your blessings, name them one by one,
     Count your blessings, see what God has done!
     Count your blessings, name them one by one,
     *Count your many blessings, see what God has done.
     [*And it will surprise you what the Lord has done.]
2. Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
   Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
   Count your many blessings, every doubt will fly,
   And you will keep singing as the days go by.
3. When you look at others with their lands and gold,
   Think that Christ has promised you His wealth untold;
   Count your many blessings—*money cannot buy
   Your reward in heaven, nor your home on high.
4. So, amid the conflict whether great or small,
   Do not be discouraged, God is over all;
   Count your many blessings, angels will attend,
   Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end.
5. Johnson Oatman, Jr.  1897

Pilot or Passenger?

The sky was blue, the sun was shining, a rolling blanket of clouds hid the ground below. By all accounts, it was a beautiful day. The path ahead appeared clear and bright. As the plane moved closer to the destination it began to descend deep into the clouds. Suddenly all clarity was gone. The sun was hidden and so was the earth. It became disorienting and a little bumpy. The passengers squirmed in their seats their knuckles white as they grabbed the arms of their chairs. Some gasped as the aircraft bounced through the clouds. Visibility was low and the ground was hidden and yet...

Ever had a day like that? Things are bright, the future seems clear when suddenly you drop into the clouds of uncertainty. You find yourself disoriented in a life that moments earlier had seemed perfectly predictable. The smooth ride becomes bumpy and the view of the future is obstructed by circumstances beyond your control. You cling to whatever you can to restore a sense of safety as your heart cries for security. It is impossible to determine what lies ahead and yet...

...the pilot was certain of the destination even though at the moment he could not see it. He relied on insight, skills, and knowledge to safely land the plane at just the right destination and in just the right time. He accessed resources the passengers of the plane lacked. He had faith in spite of his circumstances because he could hear the voice of an air controller in his ear, guiding him to safety. He saw the instruments on his panel that kept him from becoming disoriented. He might not be able to see where he was going but he knew where he would land. He stayed the course laid out by the traffic controller, studied his instruments, and soon ground appeared below and he safely touched down.

...we can be certain that what we cannot see is only temporarily hidden. Like the airplane pilot listens to the traffic controller, we can find safety in listening to the voice of God as He helps us safely maneuver the storms of life. We have access to the instruments of the Bible and prayer to help us keep our bearings. We may not know where we are going but we know where we will land. In time we will break through the clouds and once again see safety below.

“We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!” 1 Corinthians 13:12 (MSG)

It is a certainty that our lives will be a blend of good and bad times, sunshine and storms. How we navigate those storms is dependent upon our choices. Will we be passengers or will we be pilots? The passengers fly blindly through life, tossed by every trial. There is no voice to guide them, no instrument of hope to remind them they are secure.  Pilots, on the other hand, remain focused on the voice that guides them and are able to navigate through the same storms with different levels of confidence.

I don’t know where your journey is leading you this week. I hope that the path is clear and bright, but if it is not, I hope that you will be like the pilot. Listen for the voice that guides you, check your instruments (Bible and prayer) and trust that while the path may be bumpy you are being led towards a safe landing.

Nuisance Update:

Rodney and I will head to MD Anderson this week. I will meet for pre-op and labs on Wednesday, have the biopsy on Thursday, see my surgeon on Friday and head home. Please pray that the biopsy helps us have clarity on next steps. It will probably be 4-6 weeks before all the genetics are available. Honestly, I am at a bit of a loss on what to prayer for (besides miraculous healing, duh), but here is one of the verses I love:   “In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.” Romans 8:26-27  I am so grateful that when I am speechless the Holy Spirit intercedes for me.  Wow, what a gift that is! I know he has a plan. I know he has a purpose.

A Bed of Roses

A few weeks ago while on our way to MD Anderson, this rose bush caught my eye. Actually, it was more of a thorn bush with a few sporadic roses sprinkled about. The stark beauty caught my attention and I made Rodney stop so that I could grab a picture. The contrast between the "dead", thorny bushes and the bright red flowers had its own kind of beauty that I couldn't help but capture.

If you're reading this there is a good chance that you already know that on that trip we didn't get the news we hopefully expected. Rather than finding out that "The Nuisance" was stable and unremarkable, we were told that there had been some growth in spots and that a new spot was observed.  We were crushed. We have a lot of unknowns before us and so many decisions that we cannot even begin to make at this time.  Many of you have joined us in saying, "Phooey" and we cannot tell you how grateful we are for the love, encouragement, and prayers that you have poured on our family. Your cards, texts, and posts have helped us get our feet back under us and move from an emotionally reactive place to a place where we can process better and think through what the best next steps will look like. WE THANK YOU FOR THAT!!

There are so many things we wish were different. Obviously, we'd love to never have to face this again. We worry about the boys in their senior year, about the side effects of possible trials, about the cost of traveling frequently to Houston, about the future, about...., about..., about..., the list goes on an on. If we aren't careful it is easy to be swamped with those thoughts. It would be easy to say, "This isn't fair. We've already done this...TWICE." It would be simple to think "Why us? Why now?"  or  "We are pretty good folks, why does this happen?" And then I am reminded of the bush.

You see, often when trials come we feel like the bad things are unfair. We tend to have a view that life is supposed to be a bed of roses and that the thorns should be few and far between. We believe that the roses are the dominant part of life when the truth is just the opposite. Life is not a bed of roses. Life is a bed of thorns and the goodness of God allows roses to grow in in the midst of the thorns of life.  Now before you think that is a pessimistic view (because I am anything but a pessimist) consider these thoughts. 

You and I live in a BROKEN world. Sometimes the thorns in our lives happen because of the bad things we or others have done, sometimes they happen because of external things in the world around us. And sometimes they just happen. John 13:33 says, "In this world, you will have trouble." That is the norm. That is what we can expect. That is the bed of thorns we live in, but the beauty comes in the second part of that passage and says, " But TAKE HEART!!! I have overcome the world!" There is the rose! I am going to have trouble. It is a given. Today it is the Nuisance but it could easily be something else. The shock is not that it happens. We are promised there will be trouble. The shock is the beautiful things that grow in the midst of the thorns. I have to be honest if I got what I really deserved it wouldn't be the blossom. I am a hot mess, living in a fallen world. I deserve the thorns, but because of God's love for me, he doesn't give me what I deserve. In fact, his son Jesus wore my thorns upon his brow so that I could see the roses. That is the most beautiful gift in the world. He didn't deserve the thorns, he deserved the roses. And yet he bore the thorns for me. When I consider that I cannot say that this isn't fair. All I can say is THANK YOU that in this bed of thorns I can count on God to show me roses. 

 The bushes also remind me about the power of perspective. When the trials come, what do we focus on? We have a decision, and it is truly a conscious decision to make, do we focus on the roses or the thorns? Some people in our world see only the hard, thorny, rough pieces of their lives. Oh, how they miss out on the beauty that exists. The roses are there, but you have to be willing to see them. Once you begin to watch for them you will notice them everywhere. And then an amazing thing happens. The thorns do not go away, those rough branches and sharp edges are still a reality of life, but they become completely overshadowed by the roses. And as the roses overpower the thorns life begins to change (there is the optimist in me!). It changes for you, for your family, for your friends, for your community and in our world. I find that incredible.

So I will be honest. We wish this thorn didn't exist and that we had answers to all our questions. I know you wish the same in your current lives, but we claim this verse:

"We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven into despair, persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed." 2 Corinthians 4:8-9

Life is a big ole bed of thorns, but THANK GOD for the roses!!!!!

Update:

 Thanks so much to those of you who are praying for us. So many of you have asked how you can help us and really right now we need only one thing -- prayers for information and clarity. We are trying to gather all the facts to help guide our decisions. The radiology report we received mentioned growth and a new spot but did not provide much detail on where, how many, how much. I will not move a muscle until I have that information. When dealing with a chronic disease one has to plot moves carefully. There are only so many surgeries, radiations, chemo, etc. that I can have over the course of my life. We are grateful that there may be some new options to add to our list of options and we also want to use each one at just the right moment. Please pray that we are able to get better information on what we are actually dealing with and the urgency (or hopeful lack thereof) of the need for treatment. If we can coast awhile we want to coast. Pray that once we are armed with that information that we know what the next steps should be and when. 

Surrenders

So this year my word has been "Changed". I picked it because changed is what I want to be. I committed to being changed spiritually, physically, and financially. I picked it because change is what I expected with the boys being seniors and going to college in the fall. I picked it because the change specific in their lives means my relationship with my husband will be changed; my roles at church will be changed; my weekly schedule will be changed. I picked it because I eagerly anticipated that my life would be changed. Little did I know...the changes I was anticipating are not the only ones I will face. I am coming to terms with the fact that part of being changed this year will involve The Nuisance. (May I say again, PHOOEY!)

It takes some time for your brain to catch up with your body when you get news like that. It is a lot to process.  God begins to use people to whisper encouragement, he sends music to remind you of his love, he places images in your mind and in the environment to paint a picture of his presence. And today, he used Surrenders.

Part of my being "Changed" has been working out. Today I hit 36 days in a row (Hang with me--- there is a point to this story). I even kept my body moving in the past few tough days --- part of needing to feel normal and in control of something.  One of the exercises that I have been dong is a device of TORTURE called Surrenders. To perform surrenders you hold weights at shoulder level and drop to the right knee, then left so you are kneeling. From the kneeling position, you lift your right foot up and place it in front of yourself and press up to come to a standing position. You repeat this for 60 seconds and then repeat on the other side. It is BRUTAL! The first few times I did it my legs quivered like crazy. There was no stinkin' way that I could do it with weights. I didn't make it through the first 60 seconds. I thought I was going to have to crawl out of the basement because my legs were noodles. But now I am beginning to notice new strength. I am able to get through the full round (and even walk upright out of the basement!! LOL) I  have even upped my weights. While surrenders are still not a delight I am getting stronger. That really spoke to me today.

Sometimes life is a bit brutal. It can swiftly remind us of our weakness. It can cause us to tremble and feel like we cannot rise to continue on. It can make us feel like we have no strength, no power, no perseverance. BUT here is what I was reminded of --- strength is built through acts of surrender. When confronted with our weakness we must kneel. We surrender to the ONE who builds our strength. We bring him everything we have and we lay it at his feet and when we've done that, we muster our strength (that comes from Him) and get up and get to the challenge ahead. The more we repeat that process the stronger we become. Surrender. Stand. Repeat. Surrender. Stand. Repeat. Surrender. Stand. Repeat.

Surrender is the point where we let go. It is the place that we kneel before our deliverer and let him pour strength into us.  It is the point where we think we can't, but fully trust that HE CAN.  "Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up."  James 4:10 Strength is built through surrender.

This year I will be changed. Some changes will be welcomed, some will be imposed. I only know one way through. Surrender. Stand. Repeat. Want to be my workout buddy?



Love y'all. Thanks so much for the sweet words you have shared with me and mine in the past few tough days. We know there are more ahead and are so grateful that we are not ever alone.  I pray that God uses each of us to make the world a better place every day! You have certainly done that for me!