Why Are You So Afraid?

Sometimes it is just hard. I wish that every day of my life I moved forward with the confidence and faith that would make God proud of me, but some days it is just harder than others. I don't always know which days will be the tough ones. Occasionally they just sneak up on me. I guess I am feeling that way a little today. We have been at MD Anderson this week. I had a biopsy on Thursday to do some genetic testing on the Nuisance. It will take a few weeks to get information back. Friday we saw my surgeon who helped us compare my most recent scans to those of 18 months ago. It was visibly evident that about six (which I thought were only three) places have been growing. Not crazy growth. Just growth. We rationally sat and discussed further the possible options for treatment. Surgery. Trials. Chemo. Nothing. There were no tears, no emotional reactions, just facts and questions.  After some discussion, it was decided that he would present my case to a board of doctors to get their input into our next steps. More waiting. We loaded up and headed home.

I am not sure why, but today was a tougher day. The doubts and fears have been scratching at my heart.  I have felt a lump in my throat and have found myself worrying over decisions that I don't have to make today. I have felt caught in a bit of a storm of emotion. I learned a long time ago that when I feel myself sinking it is important for me to regain my focus. Several years ago I marked my Bible with all the passages I could find of God's promises and his healing so I could quickly be reminded of God's faithfulness. As I began to read I was reminded of this story.

"That day when evening came, he (Jesus) said to his disciples, “Let us go over to the other side.”  Leaving the crowd behind, they took him along, just as he was, in the boat. There were also other boats with him.  A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped.  Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, “Teacher, don’t you care if we drown?”  He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, “Quiet! Be still!” Then the wind died down and it was completely calm.  He said to his disciples, “Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?”  They were terrified and asked each other, “Who is this? Even the wind and the waves obey him!”  Mark 4:35-41

Why are you so afraid? Do you STILL have no faith? That phrase hit me in the face like a cold splash of water. After all that I have seen him do how can I still have no faith in him to deliver me? I have seen him provide, I have seen him heal, I have seen him fulfill. Yes, there is a storm, but I have seen him walk on water in those! Today my fears led me to hysterically cry out in my mind, "Teacher, don't you care if I drown?!" I have focused on the cells in my body that are misbehaving, blinding me to the fact that over 3 trillion are highly functioning and healthy. Fears have whispered, "Do you remember all those days you felt really lousy during chemo and surgery?" causing me to forget that in the past six years I have had over 2000 days of PERFECT health. Today I have had moments where I thought the waves would sweep right over my little boat when I just needed to get my eyes back on the one who can rebuke the waves. 

I feel like a kindred spirit to Paul (2 Corinthians 12: 5-10 NLT). I have a thorn in my side. I have prayed for God to remove it and like Paul, the thorn remains, but I am reminded "My (God's) grace is all you need. My (God's) power works best in weakness."  Last year when I had a recurrence God gave me the beautiful phrase Fearlessly Dependent on the One Who Makes Me Brave. I am not fearless today, but all I don't have to be. I only have to be fearlessly dependent. His power is most evident in my weakness. 

So I will take my seat back in the boat. I will get my eyes off the storm and get them back on the master of the seas. If even the wind and waves obey him, then I can trust him with the storm in me! (AND YOU CAN, TOO!)

1. When upon life’s billows you are tempest-tossed,
   When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
   Count your many blessings, name them one by one,
   And it will surprise you what the Lord has done.
   • Refrain:
     Count your blessings, name them one by one,
     Count your blessings, see what God has done!
     Count your blessings, name them one by one,
     *Count your many blessings, see what God has done.
     [*And it will surprise you what the Lord has done.]
2. Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
   Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
   Count your many blessings, every doubt will fly,
   And you will keep singing as the days go by.
3. When you look at others with their lands and gold,
   Think that Christ has promised you His wealth untold;
   Count your many blessings—*money cannot buy
   Your reward in heaven, nor your home on high.
4. So, amid the conflict whether great or small,
   Do not be discouraged, God is over all;
   Count your many blessings, angels will attend,
   Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end.
5. Johnson Oatman, Jr.  1897