Swinging Between Fear and Faith

Phooey! Phooey! PHOOEY, PHOOEY, PHOOEY!!!!! Sometimes you just have to be real and say PHOOEY!!!! I am in one of those moments. This week we traveled to MD Anderson for my check-ups -- bloodwork, scans and a little bit of wait and see. I wish I could say, "IT WAS AWESOME", but all I have at the moment is PHHHOOOOEEEEYYYYY!!!! (Okay, there may be a "Well, CRAP" in there, too. Just sayin'...) Unfortunately, The Nuisance is not stable and unremarkable as we always hope. Multiple spots have shown growth since my scans three months ago. PHOOEY!!!! PHOOEY, PHOOEY, PHOOEY!!!!!!!

We have a million unknowns in front of us. I have to be honest and tell you that I am hanging between faith and fear right this second. I know that like monkey bars I have to let go of one to grab the other. I KNOW that God has this. I KNOW that He will provide like He always does. I KNOW that I will see beautiful things that will forever change me, but right now I seem paralyzed by the things I DON'T know. I will win that fight between faith and fear, bet on that with everything you have, but man, it is a struggle.

Here is what we know and don't know. We KNOW that they want me back in a few weeks to be a part of a trial in which they will take a tissue sample in order to do some genetic testing. This has just recently been approved in the thymoma world. If there is a specific mutation (something called a driver cell????? one of the things I DON'T know much about) then they can treat it with a medication that is a genetic match. This is new and not without risks, but it is promising at the same time. It will take some time to get the genetic testing done so it may be a few weeks before we know if I am a match. (I do have to laugh that in the past I've asked you to pray that I am stable and unremarkable and now I am praying I am a certain kind of mutant. Oh, the humor of it all!) We KNOW that if I am a match that they will start me on a pill which would be convenient. We DO NOT KNOW how long, what side effects are at risk or really much of anything else except that it is a shot, another option for my arsenal.

We KNOW that if that doesn't pan out that they'd like me to be in another trial for immunotherapy. This is all pretty new to Thymoma as well. There are risks of course and it may or may not work, but it is another new shot. One of the biggest I DON'T KNOWS is that this particular treatment would require me to travel to Houston every three weeks. I DON'T HAVE ANY CLUE HOW THAT CAN HAPPEN. That is one that has me clinging to fear like crazy right this second. My family, senior boys, time, money, work, and life are all shouting in my head THAT ISN'T POSSIBLE, but that, fortunately, is followed by a whisper that says, "You've said that before..." to which I humbly hang my head and say, "I KNOW."

I wish I was at a pretty place where I knew all the answers, but right now I am a bit frozen on the fear of I DON'T KNOW. I don't want to be here again. I don't want to do this. I had different plans for senior year. I am scared, worried, sad, and completely overwhelmed yet loved, blessed, certain, and confident that this battle is already won.  I wish that meant it wouldn't be a struggle, but it will be. I know.

We'd love your prayers. WE KNOW they make a difference. WE KNOW our God is faithful. WE KNOW he will provide. WE KNOW that he has plans that will amaze us all! WE KNOW!

Thanks for letting me yell PHOOEY for a bit. Thanks for letting me be afraid. I'm feeling a little stronger now, think it is time to start swinging and grab that bar of faith! It can hold me. I KNOW!