The Gambler

The Gambler - Kenny Rogers

If you have been around me much then you are probably aware that I have a soundtrack playing in my mind at almost any moment of my life. The songs may be prompted by the rhythm of my steps, the task I am completing, or a key phrase that you probably don't even realize you said. My poor office mates have grown semi-accustomed to my melodious outbreaks throughout the day. They just shake their heads and roll their eyes.

Recently the lyrics that have been on a continuous loop in my mind are "You gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, know when to run"  (Thank you, Kenny Rogers). I hope it doesn't sound sacrilegious to say that it has become somewhat of constant prayer in my mind. I am praying that I know when to be still, that I know when to let go of things, that I am wise enough to know when to walk away from something and sharp enough to know when to run!

When we found out in January that The Nuisance was back I had one goal --- to enjoy the boy's senior year and graduation. I was eager to postpone treatment while we ran a genetic study.  When MD Anderson called and said, "Mrs. Jackson, we noticed you have postponed some appointments and just wanted to see if there was a reason" I replied, "Yes, ma'am, two of them! Their names are Sawyer and Spencer."  It bought me the time I needed to soak in every moment of this special time in their lives. It has been a gift that I cherish, but it doesn't mean that I haven't fallen into a rabbit hole of fear a time or two along the way.

Having a rare cancer means that I have a greater responsibility to do some of my own research. It has saved my life multiple times -- literally, but it is also a very slippery slope. It is EXTREMELY easy to get focused on the nuisance and on trying to fix things myself. Shifting focus to the research can easily move my mind from God and fear will POUNCE! Like a beast! It will make me stand in Walmart thinking that I might scream. It will rob me of sleep. It will make it hard to breathe and feel like a huge weight upon my chest. It will isolate me even in a room of people. That fear was exacerbated a few months ago by the loss of my dear friend Jenny. She lost her battle with Thymoma, but it wasn't cancer that robbed her. It was autoimmune diseases associated with the cancer. That has made thinking about treatment options seem even more frightening. What if the treatments trigger a whole new set of issues? I feel so great right now and to think of sacrificing that doesn't sound so great.  AAAAGHHHHH!!!! ("When I am afraid, I put my trust in you! Psalm 56:3" Sorry, I had to type that to get my head back on straight!)

So today I find myself on the road to Houston. I will have CT scans, bone scans, and blood work. I will see a variety of doctors. I will get the results of my genetic study. I will find out what the Nuisance has been up to in the past four months. And I will have decisions to make. I need to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, know when to run. Boy, do I need to know that!

So here are my prayers:
I pray for a miracle! What a blessing it would be for the scans to be clear or even stable so that I can go longer without treatment! Oh, what blessing that would be! But even if He doesn't I will praise him still!
I pray that if we need to take some action that I will know what option is best -- the cards on the table appear to be two trials or chemo, but who knows what the dealer will add this week.  One thing I have come to realize is that there are some things worse than cancer - sometimes the treatment is worse than the disease. I know that we may have to jump here sometime and will do so if that is what is required of me, but I am praying that I can buy time as long as possible before we go there. (hum the chorus with me, You gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, know when to run).
I am also prayerful that if it is time to get additional opinions that I will know that as well. Maybe someone else needs to look at the hand I am holding.

For all the things I don't know right now, here are the things I do:
1) I cannot heal me. Doctors cannot heal me. My healing can only come from my Father. He may use me and physicians, but HE is the great physician.
2) Sometimes, like the thorn in Paul's side (2 Corinthians 12:7-10), God, for whatever reason, doesn't heal like we wish. Instead, he sustains. Instead, he uses the thorn for good purpose. Instead, he uses our weakness to show his power. HE loves me more than I love me and if for some reason this is for my good then this is for my good. I surrender to that.
3) This Nuisance WILL bring glory to God. That doesn't mean I don't get scared. It doesn't mean I don't sink sometimes. It doesn't mean I don't wish it would go away, but BY GOLLY I WILL NOT LET IT RUIN MY LIFE OR STEAL MY JOY! My joy comes not from my circumstances but from the savior who sustains me THROUGH my circumstances.
4) We don't control the hands we are dealt, but we can control how we play the game. "So if you're gonna play the game boy, you gotta learn to play it right." I am trusting God to teach me how to play it!

Please join us in praying for this week and the future. Pray that as we make decisions that we will clearly hear God's prompting and will know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, know when to run...