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Backroads and Interstates

I have discovered there are two kinds of people in life. Those that like to travel on the interstate and those who prefer the backroads. I am a backroads girl all the way. If I am behind the wheel, I can promise you the path will take us off the interstate and on the more interesting two-lane roads. Now I know that there are pros and cons. But on the backroads, you see things you miss when traveling on a highway packed with 18 wheelers and fast-moving cars all rushing to get to their final destination. 

I love to drive through the small little towns and imagine what life is like for the people who live there. I love the old-time cafes and cute downtown squares. I relax when I see the animals grazing in the fields and birds flying through the air. I love to see old cars and old barns that have become art as they have aged and begun to crumble, no longer serving their original purpose. I love the roadside fruit stands and the historical markers that hold tales from long ago. Someday I am going to stop at every cool little yard sale, every old schoolhouse, and every animal safari/natural cavern along the way!

Now I know there is a downside to traveling the curving backroads. Sometimes on those two-lane roads, you find yourself stuck behind a slow-moving RV or truck. You might just find yourself stuck following a tractor that is taking up more than its share of the road as it moves from one field to another. You have to watch out for the small-town police officer with the new speed radar who is looking to keep the roads safe and his badge shiny. (I may have helped one meet his quota on the way to MD Anderson this week.) You can't go as fast, the road is not as straight, and the pathway may be a little longer, but oh how I love a backroad!

Many a song has been written comparing life to a highway. Old Willie sang On the Road Again. Chris LeDoux, Tom Cochran, and Rascal Flatts all gave us Life is a Highway. And of course, the Beatles sang about The Long and Winding Road. Well, this week we were on the road again, and it was a long and winding road. We traveled the well-worn path of scans, labs, and doctor appointments. Rodney is still not allowed to go into the hospital with me. That can be a Long Lonely Road. I received reports that show that The Nuisance continues to progress which feels like The Road Goes On Forever. None of those pieces of information were too surprising. Unfortunately. Just part of the thoroughfare.

We returned home to have our final appointment with my surgeon yesterday. One good COVID outcome is being able to have some appointments via telemed which at least means we don't have to stay in Houston so long. I'll take it!

I really thought the purpose of the call yesterday would be to just go over the details of our planned surgery that we had discussed previously. I had a few questions to ask but felt like I had a general sense of where we were headed. But life is full of sharp turns in the road. In reviewing my scans there is now concern that there are spots on my diaphragm that will not be surgically removable.  (Sharp turn ahead. Reduce speed.)  While we will still do surgery, we are now looking at radiation as well. (Detour ahead. Didn't see that coming.) Surgery will involve going through my back, removing a rib, removing the lining from my lung, scraping the chest wall, scraping what they can from the diaphragm, and grabbing anything else that is visible.  (Warning. Warning. Obstacles ahead.) Rodney will still not be allowed in the hospital with me. (Single lane highway ahead.) The length of recovery will hinge on how my lungs react to the surgery. (Be prepared to stop.) I had to pull over into a proverbial rest stop and put my head on the steering wheel a moment.

I won't lie. I am overwhelmed. I am shaken. I am sad. I don't know how to prepare for a trip that my husband and family can't go on with me. I don't know what to pack for a journey with so many unknowns. I don't know where to book my stay because I don't know how long my stay will be. I don't know. I don't know I don't know. A huge part of me wants off this backroad and onto a highway where the road ahead is clear, the obstacles are few, the roadblocks are limited, the path is straight. I want the well-lit interstate with the smooth road beneath me. Why me? Why again? And again? And again? Get me out of here!!!!!

But then.

God whispers in my soul to look backward. I turn to look. In the past eight years, I have been on roads much like this. There have been TONS of times when I didn't know where, when, how, or if. And there have been many moments where I felt just like I do now. Shaken. Sad. Afraid.  And in every single one of them, God showed up. Every need was met. Every tear was dried. Every pain was ended. And I was never alone. When I look backward I see a curvy backroad with wildflowers I wouldn't have thought to plant. With art I wouldn't have thought to create. With companions I wouldn't have ever met. With interesting stops that I would have blasted right past on the interstate of busyness. I see a road with highs and lows that create a beautiful pathway. I got a few tickets along the way when I tried to rush things and I learned how to slow it back down. It didn't always go as fast as I wanted or as easy, but it was somehow beautiful anyway. And as I look back I am reminded of one of the most valuable lessons of life. DON'T GET SO FOCUSED ON THE ROAD THAT YOU MISS THE FLOWERS!!!

This life that you and I lead is not always easy. There are lots of bumps in the road and obstacles that we would prefer to avoid. And while we might prefer the ease of the interstate, my hope for me and for you is that we never miss the beauty of the backroad. Because here is the deal. There are some roads we don't get to pick. We are going to travel them whether we like it or not. But what will we do as we travel? We do get to choose that. We are on a path we may not control. How will we respond? Sing or complain? Curse the potholes or admire the flowers? Get repeated speeding tickets as we try to do it our way or slow down and actually get through faster in doing so?

There are lots of things I don't know. But I know this. God is the God of me. He has never failed me. He has never abandoned me. Doesn't mean it is easy. Doesn't mean I don't feel all the feels. Doesn't mean it always ends the way I want. Doesn't mean it goes as fast as I wish it would. Doesn't mean I wouldn't choose something different if given the choice. But it does mean that I have strength, hope, peace, and provision for whatever lies ahead. It means that this backroad can bring beauty if I will look for it. And by golly, I am going to blast some music, roll down my window, and look for some wildflowers! This will NOT be a sad trip!! Hop in the passenger seat with me let's sing real loud!

“I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago. I will consider all your works and meditate on your mighty deeds. Your ways, God, are holy...You are the God who performs miracles; you display your power among the peoples.” Psalm 77:11-14

The Curtains

Okay, I have been telling you all that I owe you a story, so before I give you the update on the results of our recent MD Anderson appointment, I must begin with a tale. 

When we began this Nuisance journey, our twin boys, Sawyer and Spencer, were 12 years old. They were old enough to know much of what was going on but still young enough to not understand it all. There were three things that were, and still are, the hardest for me when it comes to The Nuisance. One has been watching my parents and knowing how much they want to rescue me from all this. Another has been hurting for my husband, whose family has already experienced such loss with cancer. And the biggest worry of all has been for my children and how all this would impact them. When I lost my hair, I worried they would be embarrassed. When I was in Houston, I worried they would be homesick. When I was in the hospital, I worried they would be afraid. When I was sick, I worried... well, let's just leave it there. But every step of the way, God has provided. He sent family to care for my boys in my stead. He gave teachers to love on them. He sent friends, and the parents of friends, to entertain them when I didn't feel well. He sent my church and work friends to pray for us and meet our every need. Oh y'all, the list is just so long of how he took care of them.

But one of my favorite things God has done is what I call the gift of The Curtains. If the world's a stage, as Shakespeare said, then God has had a way of opening the curtains only enough for the boys to see the parts of the play they could comprehend at that specific moment. Looking back, I see so many examples of how God was only allowing them to see pieces of the unfolding story.

The boys read my blogs as I posted them and have heard me give my testimony a hundred times. I have tried my best to live this life out loud so that it might help someone else along the way. There have been no secrets. I always tell them what is going on before I share it outside the family, so they are never caught off guard if someone says something to them. Our journey has never been for us alone.  One time, the boys came to me after a speaking engagement and said, "Mom, you didn't tell us that you had a tumor on your heart." I was taken aback. "Yes, boys, you have heard me say that a million times." (But God didn't let them hear it because their little hearts weren't ready.) Another time I heard, "Mom, you didn't tell me us your cancer was Stage IV. That is really serious!" "Yes, we have told you that before." (But in His infinite wisdom, God knew you couldn't hear it until now.") 'Mom, I didn't know that they had to open your chest for our surgery." "Yes, son, you have seen the scars." (But God didn't want you to be afraid.) "Mom, you never told us..." "Yes, we did, but God knew you weren't ready to hear it."

I began to realize that God was only allowing the boys to see and hear what their hearts and minds could handle. Like curtains on a stage, God only revealed enough for them to see the part of the story He was ready for them to see. The parts they could handle. Nothing more. Nothing less. Sometimes they could handle the whole scene; other times, they only needed to zoom in on a few characters or a small portion of the plot. Like a great director, God knew his audience well and created a story that they could comprehend. What an amazing gift.

Fast forward to the past month. When my surgeon called in January to share the multidisciplinary tumor board's results, Rodney wasn't home. The doctor shared the possibility of surgery and then informed me of the concern that the lymph node treated with radiation in 2018 appeared to be growing. Wait, what?!? Lymph node? That wasn't a lymph node. It was just a spot that was growing too close to my carotid artery. No one ever told us it was a lymph node! "How could they not have told us?!" I thought. When I told Rodney what the doctor had said about that spot being a lymph node, he was as surprised as I. When I told my parents and sisters, their first words were, "Wait, that was a lymph node?" Surely there must be some mistake. I began to dig through my records to show that they must have me confused with another case. But there it was. Not on one report. Not on two. But on three different reports. Lymph Node. Well, I'll be. I see what you did there, God. The Curtains.

Now you need to understand what I do with a report when I get it. I highlight it. I underline it.  I search for unknown words and google them and write down their definitions. I compare it to old reports. I make charts and drawings on it to compare sizes of spots from scan to scan. By the time I travel from Houston to Lubbock with that piece of paper in my hand, it is limp from being folded and unfolded, marked and circled, highlighted, and cried upon. There is NO explanation for how I could have missed it except for The Curtains. 

In all his wisdom, God knew that I could not handle the fear or worry of The Nuisance being in a lymph node back then. He knew that it would seem just too much to bear, so He kept that hidden behind The Curtains. "Let her see enough to take action, but don't let her see enough to tailspin," He must have thought. "Show her enough, but don't let her think this is impossible." Because at that time, in 2018, I would have thought it was just too much. My boys were approaching their senior year.  I didn't want to miss a minute. I had one goal-- for that year to be amazing and to witness every bit of it! Thinking that The Nuisance had spread to my lymph nodes would have sent me down a very dark path. It was hard enough to be away from them while receiving radiation in Houston, but to worry about The Nuisance moving through my lymph nodes and spreading through my body would have been a whole other level of fear.  It would have been too overwhelming a "stage." Thank God for The Curtains!

So why now? Why has He pulled back the curtains on the lymph node now? Why not leave them closed? Well, I have three more years of trust tucked under my belt. If The Nuisance was in my lymph nodes in 2018, then I have been given three years of it not spreading beyond the known places. Which indicates that I do not have to shift into panic mode. What God has done in the past has given me faith to trust him with my future. That faith might not be as strong had The Curtains not been in place while the stage was being set. He bought time to not just tell me (because I am stubborn and sometimes don't listen) but to show me that this will be okay. Somehow this will be okay. No matter what. My mind has not raced to the worst-case scenario because my heart and soul are stronger now. I am more rehearsed for the next act.

When I was younger, I always wanted God to just show me what my future held.  Holy Cow! I sure am glad he is wiser than me! Seeing my lot would have scared the britches off of me! I would have quit before I started. I would have given up before I took the first step on stage. And I would have missed the most fabulous blessings along the way. 

So here we are. God pulled back the curtains to allow us to see the possibility of a growing lymph node in addition to the other spots we already knew about. We spent most of last week in Houston doing the biopsy on the lymph node. We know surgery is necessary either way, but it is fast-tracked if the lymph node is involved. And fast-tracked means I would have to be alone. Even with that knowledge, there has been more peace than fear. More trust than doubt. More hope than worry. 

Yesterday we received the pathology report. The Curtains have opened, the doctor has entered the stage and his opening line is the lymph node is okay! No signs of The Nuisance there. Praise God! What peace and joy I would have forfeited if the timing of The Curtain opening had not been so perfect! Surgery, and it's a doozie, is in the future, but it is not an emergency. Hopefully, that means we can get a little further past COVID, and Rodney will be allowed in the hospital with me. Or maybe The Curtains will be pulled back a little further to reveal a miracle. If He can keep me from seeing written words on three reports then He can certainly pull that off as well. We currently plan to go to Houston in June to reevaluate. In the meantime, we will trust the director and enjoy the show! Living As If!

How good to be loved by a God who knows us so well and cares for us so much. I am grateful for The Curtains. 

Bumps and Dents of the Bumper and of the Soul

CRUNCH!!!  Now that's a sound you never want to hear when backing up a vehicle, but CRUNCH is just what I heard. It was Friday evening and I was backing into a coveted spot at the gas station on my way home from work. The place was hopping and it was the one open pump. I turned to look over my right shoulder, hand on the back of the passenger seat. I eased back slowly and CRUNCH, I hit the sneaky little concrete pole that was just short enough to be out of my line of sight, but just tall enough to take out my bumper and my rear tail light assembly. PHOOEY!!! Not the way I wanted to start the weekend.

I exchanged info with the gas station clerk and made my way home. We were supposed to leave for MD Anderson on Sunday and I really didn't have time to deal with the fall out from my little concrete collision. Oh well, no crying over spilled milk (or busted taillight as the case may be). Sometimes it just is as it is. And sometimes, that just isn't good enough for me. 

I remembered another dented bumper from my past and how the body shop had fixed it with the help of a little heat and on Saturday, I decided that I wasn't going down without a fight. Now I know at this point most rational human beings would grab the phone number for a body shop, but I grabbed my phone and started to google DIY videos.  I found several videos of people fixing their bumpers with a little hot water or the heat from a hairdryer. Now I should probably add that my dent was a little more than a dent. My bumper was hanging off the and the dent was more of a large crease, but hey, what did I have to lose?  I decided to give it a try. Let's just say that hot water and hairdryers are better for the head than the "tail". I didn't have much luck. I would need some big guns. A little more research led me to discover a heating tool that might make the task a little easier. I ran to the nearest auto shop and as luck would have it I found the little gem -- on sale even!

Rodney wasn't home and heaven forbid I wait around for help. I like a challenge. I removed the tail light assembly and began heating the bumper that was hanging awkwardly from the vehicle.  I had high hopes for how this was going to work. Except it didn't. Try as I might, I still couldn't get the dent to pop out. Apply more heat. Apply more pressure. No luck.  I repeated this process over and over but was no closer to fixing my bumper than when I began. As the bumper got hotter, so did my frustration. My arms were getting sore, I was sweating, I burned my hand, and I just didn't have the strength to fix it. I was pushing with all my might and getting nowhere. Without really even thinking about it I voiced the thought, "God, I'm not strong enough to do this alone." And just like that, the dent gave way under my hands. With one concession that I wasn't strong enough on my own, it was as if all the strength I needed was suddenly available to me.  I did a little victory dance in celebration of conquering the bumper, ordered the taillight assembly to replace the broken one, and walked away feeling like a conqueror.

We left for Houston the next day for my appointments at MD Anderson. This journey was going to be another test of strength. Thanks to COVID, Rodney couldn't go into the hospital with me. That is bad enough on a regular appointment, but this time I was having a biopsy that would require out-patient surgery.  I would be put completely under and he couldn't walk me in. He couldn't hear the doctor's instructions. He couldn't wait with me until they took me back. He couldn't be with me in recovery. I was by myself. Once again the words I uttered in the garage came spilling into my mind.  "God, I'm not strong enough to do this alone." And just like that concession became strength in dealing with the dent in my bumper, it became strength in dealing with the dent in my soul. Peace replaced fear. Strength replaced weakness. Faith replaced doubt.

2 Corinthians 12:9 says, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” We have a tendency to think His power is made perfect in our strength, but the opposite is true.  Only when we realize we can't do life in our own power do we find the true source of strength. And it is a huge relief. I have spent so much of my life being confident in my strength and in my ability and feeling like a failure when I didn't feel strong. I still struggle with that sometimes, but I am beginning to get it through my thick head that HE is the source of power and HE shows off best when I get out of the way and admit I need him.  

My run-in with the concrete pole wasn't an accident. It was an object lesson. It was an opportunity for God to plant a seed to show me the power available to me when I admit, "I can't do this."  God cares about all of our bumps and dents and so desires to give us the strength to deal with them when we call out to him. 

I don't know what has dented your bumper this week, but I know where you can get the strength you need to deal with it. It comes from leaning on the one who GIVES you strength.  "Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships,  in persecutions, in difficulties. FOR WHEN I AM WEAK, THEN I AM STRONG." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

My bumper isn't perfect. A body shop might have done it a little better, but I am going to leave it just as it is. I like having a visible reminder of God's power in my weakness. He is so good. Thank you so much for your prayers as we have traveled this week. We are still waiting on the pathology report on the lymph node (and I still owe you a story on that one, too). We hope to hear soon, but we have full assurance that God is hearing all of our prayers and already has this dent figured out! 

Love ya! Mean it!

Dumpster Fire or Burning Bush?

It had been such a fun night! My family was coming home from an evening of cooking out, swimming, and popping fireworks with grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. (Man, I miss those days of family gatherings!) The back of the pickup truck contained the carcasses of Roman Candles, Sparklers, fountains, and artillery shells. We pulled up to the dumpster to unload the firework remains in the dumpster and headed inside with visions of pyrotechnics in our heads.

As we began getting ready for bed, I started to smell something. Smoke, maybe? I looked out the window and yelled, "The dumpster is on fire!!!!!" Oh lawzy, the neighbors were going to LOVE this!!! I was REALLY hoping they wouldn't see us! We scrambled around for a crazy minute trying to decide what to do. The boys and Rodney ran to the alley and I ran to the backyard to grab the water hose. They threw open the lid and I stood in the back yard on the deck of the pool, hose in hand, shooting water over the fence and into the dumpster. It was a bit like the Beverly Hillbillies Celebrate Independence Day. It was quite a sight! (Sure am glad we didn't leave them in the back of the truck though!) I laugh every time I remember that scene. 

Do you ever feel like your life is a bit of a dumpster fire? Things are just a hot mess and you can't seem to get a grip on it? You run around in a panic trying to figure out how to put the flames out, but the proverbial hose in your hand just doesn't seem to be working? Boy, sometimes I do. There are seasons where nothing seems to work, things aren't what I hoped they'd be, and life is hot, hot, hot!  The fire can be all kinds of things - worry, fear, anxiety, family problems, money problems, or even something that you just can't put your finger on. You feel consumed by the flames of what you are going through and a little voice in your head whispers, "Nothing to see here" as others pass by and you hope no one will notice the fire.

My biggest dumpster fire of the day is The Nuisance (Cancer) and all the sparks it sends out into other areas of my life. We recently had our consultation with my surgeon following the Tumor Board's review of my case at MD Anderson. There is some good news and some not-so-good news. The good news is that the board does believe surgery is an option for me right now. We are grateful for that! We know that surgery is really the only way you get rid of cancer. Chemo and Radiation help manage and reduce, but it doesn't usually get rid of it on its own. And chemo is some tough stuff. We are so grateful that surgery is a possibility. Even if it is a tough one. 

The bad news is that the spot we treated with radiation in 2018 appears to have grown. That spot is a lymph node. (Which is a whole other story I will tell you soon!) That was a curveball. The lymph node is near my carotid artery, heart, and other important veins and arteries. If it is The Nuisance, we won't have time to watch and see like we can with the other spots. We will need to do surgery now. The other spark of that fire is that right now COVID protocols would not allow anyone to be at the hospital in Houston with me. That would stink worse than smoldering trash! Surgery will be a thoracotomy which is where they go through my ribs in the back and will remove the lining from my lung, scrape my diaphragm, and grab any visible spots they can see throughout my chest. Those flames are pretty hot, but God is bigger!

The first step to dealing with this fire is heading to Houston for a biopsy to see what is going on in the lymph node. We need to determine if the spot is active or if this is just the ashes and embers of the old flame. If it is Nuisance then we sound the alarm and are on the fast track to surgery. If it isn't, prayerfully, then we will be looking at surgery in the future but can wait a little while to see if COVID protocols change to allow me not to be alone. 

Today I was reading about a fire that happened once upon a time. There was this guy who was out tending to some of his farm animals. Out in the pasture with no one but his sheep, he noticed a fire in the distance. He decided to go check it out. As he got closer he could tell it was a bush fire, but the strangest thing was that the bush was not being burned up. Curiosity piqued, he went closer. As he did, he heard a voice come from the bush. Now that is different. The voice said, "I have seen and heard you and I am concerned for you! I am going to rescue you. I am God". (Paraphrased version- check out Exodus 3 for the full details.) The man was obviously taken back and at that moment the entire direction of his life was changed. In the past when I have read that story, I have always focused on the man and the message, but today I was drawn to the bush. The bush was on fire, but not consumed. It had the purpose of drawing the man, Moses, to God. 

It made me think about the fires we experience in life again. When those flames of trial lick our lives it can be classified as a dumpster fire OR a burning bush. It is a matter of perspective, choice, and faith. A dumpster fire is going to be consuming; it will incinerate, melt, and destroy everything it touches. It is going to really stink, and it serves very little purpose. It will burn us up!

But a burning bush is different. It serves as an invitation to draw closer to God in order to hear his love for us, his concern for our circumstances, and his desire to rescue us. The burning bush may still be hot, but it will not consume us. It doesn't scorch our hearts and reduce our lives to ash. In fact, there is something beautiful about it. A burning bush has purpose. 

Trial by fire is a guarantee in this life. There is no insurance, no flame retardant, no smoke alarm that will keep us from it, BUT we can choose how we respond. We can be a Dumpster Fire or a Burning Bush. One will consume, destroy, and stink to high heaven and the other will withstand the flames, draw us to God, and allow us to experience a little heaven in the midst of the smoke.

When the spark of heartache becomes a blaze hardship and threatens to burn you alive what will you be? Dumpster Fire or Burning Bush? (Be a Bush!!!!!!)

Love ya! Mean it!

The Shrinky Dink Effect

Do you remember Shrinky Dinks? Maybe I am dating myself, but as a kid, I loved them! They were sheets of plastic with blackline images printed on them. You colored in the images with colored pencils, cut them out, and placed them on a cookie sheet. You placed them in the oven, and the heat would cause them to curl up and shrink down in size. When the process was complete, you were left with a small, hardened version of the image you had put in.

Have you ever seen the Shrinky Dink Effect in real life? I think it happens sometimes. A person is put into the oven of life. Something takes place that really turns up the heat. As a result, that person begins to shrivel up and harden. Just a small reflection of who they once were. It makes me wonder how we can go through a trial by fire and avoid curling up and becoming hardened by the Shrinky Dink Effect?

I think of other substances that go through fire and come out better. Take glass, for instance. Made from sand and ash, these substances become something new under extreme heat. They shift from dry particles to something that is moldable. Add the breath of a glass smith, and the molten glass begins to take on a new form. With skilled movements, the glassblower transforms the blob into something beautiful and useful.

It is the breath and the skilled hands of the glass smith that make all the difference. It reminds me of Genesis 2:7. "Then the Lord God formed the man of dust from the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living creature."  When we find ourselves in the oven of life, we can choose to be like the shrinky dink and curl up and harden, or we can choose to place ourselves in the hands of the glass smith - the one who can turn us into something new with his breath and form us into something beautiful with his hands.  This requires an act of submission and focus. I have found that when I focus on myself and the flames, I become curled up and hardened. But as soon as I place myself in the hands of the master, I find the flames, while hot and painful, serve a purpose in my life that WILL BE SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL.

My sweet friend, I wish that I could tell you that you won't face the heat, but 2020-2021 is certainly demonstrating how untrue that is. What I can tell you is that you can choose how you come out on the other side. What would you prefer? Hard and shriveled or transformed and beautiful? Stay focused on yourself and the flames, and I can guarantee that your heart will shrivel. Put yourself in God's hands, and you will be okay! (Trust me, I have tested him many times on this!) 

So maybe that goes against your nature, and you don't know where to start. As a control freak who thought (okay, sometimes still does) for so long that I could fix things on my own, I have a few suggestions. 

First, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your path straight."  Proverbs 3:5  Why can you trust him? Because he has GOOD plans for you. "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11. 

Then, keep your eyes focused on him. Read your bible. Pray. Hang out with people who encourage you in your faith. Go to church. Sing some worship music. The moment your eyes shift, you will feel the Shrinky Dink effect. Remember Peter in Matthew 14: 22-33 when he was walking on water? The second he shifted his eyes from Jesus to the waves, he began to sink (which rhymes with shrink!). Keep those eyes steady!

Finally, let him do his work in you. "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God." Romans 8:28 When you submit yourself into his hands, you allow him to take the bad and turn it for good. That is what he wants.

May the only Shrinky Dink Effect you will experience in life takes place while you are crafting! You were meant to become something beautiful!

Feeling Off Balance? A Little Y.O.G.A. Lesson for the Soul

Recently I have taken up Yoga. With all the craziness in the world adding in a bit of calm seemed like a pretty good plan! I have downward dogged, cat-cowed, and happy babied myself into thinking this is something I can really get into. A little breathing, a little stretching, a bit of strengthening, and a dash of balance. I can handle that!  I was feeling pretty good about myself. That is until Standing Tree Pose…with my arms overhead…and my eyes closed. That was the kicker. As long as I could keep my eyes focused ahead I was AWESOME!!!  Okay, I was decent, but at least I was upright and not wobbling all over the place. But the second I had to close my eyes, BOOM, the earthquake hit, I started falling and the Tree Pose became more of a rolling boulder. Yes, a beautiful sight to behold. Not very zen!

How many times a day does that happen to you? You’re focused, you’re balanced, and then BOOM the wheels fly off and you find yourself drowning in a sea of chaos. 2020 and its step-sister 2021 are the perfect pictures of that! How in the world are we supposed to stay balanced and peaceful in a world gone crazy? And boy, do I mean crazy!!! The answer is yoga. No, not the practice. The acronym. (Okay, so I just made this up, but stick with me here. It works!). Want peace and calm to rule your heart? Do Y.O.G.A.- You Only Gaze Ahead.

Disaster happens when we lose focus and start looking to the left and the right or when we squeeze our eyes shut and get lost in our own heads (yep, that can be the badlands). We have to remember that perfect peace is straight ahead! Isaiah 26:3 says, “You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you.” I see two parts to that verse. First, we have to be steadfast (focused) and second, we have to trust God. If I am focusing on God, but don’t really trust him to care for me I will wobble. If I trust Him, but keep my focus on the chaos I miss out on all He has to offer. 

Peace comes when we focus on the one who is in control instead of focusing on the world around us. Colossians 3:2 says, “Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.” Think about the last time you were thrown off balance by anxiety or fear. My bet is you were focused on earthly things-- politics, social media, news, and other people. Those things CANNOT bring you the peace and balance you are seeking. 

So follow me for a little Y.O.G.A. lesson straight from God’s Word. I want you to breathe deeply with me as you read these words that were written just for you!

Breathe in. “Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things.” Breathe out.

Breathe in. “Pay attention to what I say; turn your ear to my words. Do not let them out of your sight, keep them within your heart; for they are life to those who find them and health to one’s whole body”. Breathe out.

Breathe in. “Let your eyes look straight ahead; fix your gaze directly before you. “ Breathe out.

Breathe in. “Do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear...but seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” Breathe out.

Life is crazy. God is not. The world is chaotic. God is peace. Do your Y.O.G.A. each day -- if You ONLY Gaze Ahead you will discover the peace you crave and the balance that you desire. No downward dog needed!

Be Like Toby

You do not have to know me for two minutes before you know that I am a sunshine girl. All. Day. Long. I seriously mourn the shortening of days, desperately dread dark seasons, and anxiously await the warmth of the sun on my skin. It is amazing to me how closely my life force seems to be tied to that warm light. It may be a little crazy, but it is medicinal for me. If you were to scroll through my phone you would see pictures of sunrises and sunsets, of sun pouring through trees and lighting up fields of sunflowers. It delights me.  My Mimi always said no matter how bad you feel you need to get outside and get some sunshine every day. Maybe she is the source of my genetic predisposition. I love the light! (P.S. It is 86 days until the time changes back. WOOT WOOT!!!!)

I suppose that in some ways we all share that trait -- a desire for warm, bright days. We love the days where the bills are paid, the family is well, the job is going smoothly, all is right in the world. There are no clouds in our proverbial sky, no storms on the horizon of life, and we want those days to be n-i-i-i-i-i-i-c-c-e-e-e- and l-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-n-n-n-n-n-g-g-g-g-g like a warm summer day. BUT, just like that time change that I hate so much, life is filled with seasons of darkness-- you know, like 2020?!?! The bills aren't paid and you have no idea how they will be. The kids are quarantined for the third time and the cabin fever is strong. Work is, well, let's just say that the Tilt-a-Whirl at Joyland doesn't shake you up NEARLY as much as trying to function in a COVID world. You miss your family. You miss your friends, and for goodness sake, you miss your favorite Mexican Food Restaurant!!! It is dark. It is depressing. And it seems - like it -will last -FOREVER!!! We just want that light back. 

I have to admit I have been wrestling some darkness this week. Lately, it seems like it rains the whole time we are at MD Anderson in Houston making us have to stay indoors. As small as this seems it has a big impact on my coping mechanisms. The news we have been getting has been heavy, too. It feels very dark. The path ahead seems like a poorly lit, seldom traveled path in a heavily wooded forest inhabited by wolves. I can't see ahead, I can't get my bearings, and I have felt a little lost. I hate these moments when I don't have clarity. Ugh.

Today I asked you guys to pray for me and some telehealth appointments. In my last two visits with the surgeon, he has given the strong impression that surgery isn't a great option right now which leaves us with chemo or a trial. I have felt a little trapped and cornered in a dark, dark room. As I joined the call today I noticed that I had a message in my MD Anderson chart. My appointment had changed from the surgeon to his nurse practitioner. Disappointment. Dark. As she joined the call she explained that my doctor's mother had fallen and he had to leave quickly, but that they had reviewed my case this morning and she could share what he was thinking. She began to say that he believes that the progression means we need to consider resection. Wait, what? I thought that wasn't an option?! She shared that there actually may be several options there. I felt it-- a little bit of warmth. She began to describe them to me. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a glimmer of light begin to flicker and a little hope begin to bubble. To make a long story short he will be taking my case to the multi-disciplinary board in January. They will talk through the options to determine the best approach. All of the sudden my heart lifted and it was like the sun began to rise a little just revealing a new turn in the path. And that, my dear friends, is the way life works. Just about the time that you think it can't get much darker a light breaks through from an unexpected place. You just have to have your eyes open to see it!

I know that some of you are sitting right there in a dark corner. Your own version of the nuisance has you feeling trapped. Open your eyes and wait with expectation. The time will change again. The light will break through the clouds. The darkness doesn't last forever (it just feels like it). 

As for me? There are lots of unknowns ahead and I still can't see that stinking path, but I do feel a little light breaking through. I was sharing with my friend Beth how I was feeling about that and she sent me this picture of her dog Toby. 

She said, "He searches for any sliver of light. Darkness all around and he rests in the light." 

What a perfect picture of how we should live. The Bible says, "The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it." John 1:5  Sometimes we feel like the darkness is totally winning, but it CANNOT overcome the light. And that light is Jesus. John 8:12 says, "Again Jesus spoke to them, saying, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”  Okay, I am following!

So here is my plan. I am going to continue to pray for clarity to know each step I should take (if I cross your mind will you pray that for me, too?)  I am going to keep my eyes wide open so I don't miss the light. I am going to be like Toby and find that warm bright spot in the darkness and then I am going to rest in it. Care to join me? I'll scoot over for you!

Love ya! Mean it!💗

The Black Dot

I recently read a story of an unusual test given by a professor. It went a little something like this.  One day, a professor entered his classroom and asked his students to prepare for a surprise test. They all waited anxiously at their desks for the exam to begin.

The professor handed out the exams with the text facing down, as usual. Once he handed them all out, he asked the students to turn over the papers.

To everyone’s surprise, there were no questions–just a black dot in the center of the paper. The professor, seeing the expression on everyone’s faces, told them the following: “I want you to write about what you see there.” The students, confused, got started on the inexplicable task.

At the end of the class, the professor took all the exams and started reading each one of them out loud in front of all the students.

All of them, with no exception, defined the black dot, trying to explain its position in the center of the sheet. After all the tests had been read, the classroom silent,  the professor began to explain:

“I’m not going to grade you on this, I just wanted to give you something to think about. No one wrote about the white part of the paper. Everyone focused on the black dot – and the same thing happens in our lives. However, we insist on focusing only on the black dot – the health issues that bother us, the lack of money, the complicated relationship with a family member, the disappointment with a friend. The dark spots are very small when compared to everything we have in our lives, but they are the ones that pollute our minds. Take your eyes away from the black dots in your lives. Enjoy each one of your blessings, each moment that life gives you. Be happy and live a life filled with love!”

As I read that tale I recognized the truth of it. It truly does seem to be in our nature to focus on the "black dots" in our lives and miss the blessings all around us. Do you do it, too? I have a running list in my mind of my failures, my shortcomings, my mistakes, and my problems. If I am not careful they can steal my joy.

This week we went to MD Anderson to check on The Nuisance. Because of COVID that trip carries a little more anxiety these days. Rodney is not allowed to enter the hospital with me so I go through the tests, the scans, and the appointments alone. A mind can run away pretty quickly when alone. Yesterday I sat quietly waiting to hear the results of my scans. Once the report was handed to me my mind QUICKLY landed on the words recurrence, mass, increased, malignancy. My pulse quickened, my breathing stopped, my world quivered. I listened as they rattled the options. Things I have heard too many times before. Surgery, chemo, trials... none of which carry guarantees. The room turned into one giant black dot. I listened. I gathered my things. I walked out alone. 

It takes some time for my head and my heart to work things through, but gradually I collect my thoughts and find my center. In those moments I am reminded of a story from my earlier days with the Nuisance about boxing gloves. I am taken to the mat, but I am not alone. Slowly I find my way to my knees, then my feet, then I pull myself up to continue the fight. When I reread the scan today I noticed other words around the black dot. Stable. No new. Slight. Yesterday my mind could only see the black dot. Today I realize that isn't all there is to the story. It is true that I have some recurrences of malignancies. It is true that there is growth. It is true there is cause for concern. There are black dots to be sure. But there are also some spots that are stable. There are no new places noted. There are some things to be grateful for even on a "bad" report. And for that I am grateful. 

Each day you and I are taking a test. A test of perspective. A test of will. A test that will determine the amount of peace, hope, and joy that we will, or will not, experience in our lives. What will we focus on?

Today I was in a sinking spell. The black dot was blocking out my vision so I did what I have learned to do. I opened my bible to marked passages that get my thoughts back on track. I read 2 Corinthians 1:8-11  We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired of life itself.  Indeed, we felt we had received the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead.  He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us again. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many.

I was reminded how many times in the past eight years I have felt I couldn't withstand the weight of The Nuisance. So many times I have felt the sentence of death. But I am reminded that all of this has taught me to be fully dependent on the ONE who makes me brave. My doctors cannot save me. I cannot save me. My family and friends cannot save me, but my GOD? He HAS saved me. Over and over. He has done it before and he can do it again. He has delivered me and YOUR PRAYERS have played a part in that. Your prayers help me see the white paper and not focus on the black dots. You and I can give thanks because God always answers our prayers -- even when we may think he hasn't.

I have a literal black dot on my chest. It was tattooed there when I received radiation treatments to make sure the machine was hitting the right spot. It sits beside a scar that runs from my collarbone to below my diaphragm. That black dot can serve as a reminder of the battle or as a reminder of the victory. I choose to see the victory. I choose to see the blessings of provision, of love, of prayer, of healing.

I have been handed a test. It is a piece of white paper with a black dot on it. I will pass this test. I will spend more time writing about the white than the black dot. How about you? Grab your proverbial pen and write about the white space! The black dot is tiny in comparison!

The Greased Up Slip-and-Slide in Six Inch Heels

 I have a cruel confession. I have this really bad character flaw. I am sorry if you have ever fallen victim to it, but I just can't seem to help myself. When I see someone fall, I just cannot control myself. I find it to be one of the funniest things in the world. Now I am not talking about spiritual falls or failures or anything like that. I am not heartless.  I am talking about the good ole fashion, can't get your feet back under yourself, you might just pull something kind of falls. I know I am not alone-- after all, Funniest Home Videos had a million seasons packed with falls that we all busted a stitch over. 

Slipping is possibly one of my favorite genres of falls. A good slip can seem to last forever and certainly pulls in all of the body as one flails desperately trying to recover. It makes me snicker just to think about it. 

This morning I was reading scripture about that very thing. Psalm 94:18 says, "When I said, "My foot is slipping, your unfailing love, Lord, supported me." As a student of falling, a mental picture came to my mind. I imagined how it looks when someone is learning to skate. Legs are going every direction, arms are swinging wildly, but if you are lucky you have someone who is firm on their feet to help keep you steady. I began to think about times in my life when I have mentally, emotionally, or spiritually felt like I was slipping. In times like these, it is natural to seek something firm to hold onto. Something that can help us regain our balance. And God, in His unfailing love, is happy to support us. Our perspective can seem that a fall is imminent and in those times we long for strong and steady support.

The idea of slipping caught my attention and I began to look for other verses that address that concept.  I soon found one that painted a different perspective. Psalm 121:3 says, "He will not let your foot slip-- he who watches over you will not slumber." In the first verse, the author calls out he is slipping and then the Lord supported him. In the second we are told that God does not let our foot slip to begin with--- that he is constantly watching over us-- to the point of never sleeping, never taking his eyes off us. I don't think these verses contradict each other regarding God. I think they point out differences in our vantage point and God's.

There are times in life that I feel I am slipping completely out of control. I am desperately trying to regain my balance and find something to save me then I call to God for support. But from God's point of view, he has me firmly in his hand all along. Like a Father supporting a child, he begins to catch me before I even know I am slipping. From my viewpoint, I am certain I am going to bust it. From his, He is certain I will not. He has me. He never takes his eyes off me. Remember how out of control it felt when we learned to skate? Legs going in every direction, bodies pitching back and forth, hearts racing as we anticipated the fall--- but our parents were steadily holding us up. That is just what God does.

I love the thought of that. I am grateful that when I feel I am slipping that he supports me, but I am even more grateful to think of the fact that he is preparing to support me before the ground beneath me even begins to become slick. How cool is that?!

The past month (okay, maybe six) I feel like I have been on one long and slippery slope. I have become exhausted from  thrashing around trying to recover my balance. At times I have felt like I was skidding across a greased up slip-and-slide in six inch heels just looking for something to grab onto. What a relief to be reminded that He will not let me fall!