Bounce or Splatter?

Bounce or splatter? I once read that when faced with adversity, there are two types of people in the world--those that bounce, and those that splatter. A bouncer hits rock bottom, but doesn't linger there. They may temporarily be flattened, but quickly use that posture to propel themselves back out of the depths. Splatterers, on the other hand, hit the bottom and fall into a million pieces. They remain stuck, unable to regroup and mobilize. 

What makes the reactions so different? When I first read of bouncers and splatterers, I have to admit my picture of adversity was quite different than my current perspective. At that time my biggest concerns were getting ready for a big presentation, making ends meet, worrying about checking off my to-do list. I believed I was a bouncer because I made up my mind to be one. Now that my adversity is on a grander scale, I have come to realize that it is not my determination and power that allows me to bounce, but reliance on a greater power.

I have discovered that when I feel like splattering, and boy, has that been tempting, that I am listening to the lies of a deceiver. I am lending my ear to fear, to the unknown, to the things I cannot control, to my physical weakness. It is hard to get up when you are pinned under lies, but there is a way.  Both the bouncers and the splatterers hit the bottom, but a bouncer doesn't listen to the lies that can be found there. A bouncer looks for truth.  Truths  like:

 "He has seen me through before, He will see me through again."

"He heals the broken-hearted and binds up their wounds."

 "With man, this is impossible, but with God, all things are possible." 

These truths make the bouncer bounce.

Today I am coming back out of the pit. I was knocked flat by round three of "power aid". Four days of my life are all but missing, but I haven't splattered. I am holding onto the truths that will allow me to bounce back.  

At some point in life we all hit the bottom. Sometimes is it a shallow pit, sometimes it is a frightening depth, but we will all face adversity. How will you respond? Will you bounce or splatter? Remember, whatever you are facing, "With man this is impossible, but with God, all things are possible." Don't listen to the splatterer's lies. BOUNCE!

An Open Letter

This morning I stood in church surrounded by people in their Sunday best. This is not just any Sunday. This is the Sunday we celebrate the resurrection of Christ.  It is the day that we celebrate a living God. (Now if you are not a believer, please don't stop reading, you are part of the reason I have to write! Please read on!) As I stood and sang, a prayer raced through my mind.  Normally I would consider my prayers to be very private and personal, meant for me and God. Normally I wouldn't consider posting them, but as I was flooded with thankfulness, I had a nudging to share. For those of you new to my world, this year I was diagnosed with a rare cancer (I call it a Nuisance and only use the "c" word when I have to be clear to others-- I do not claim it or give it power in my life.)  Because of my journey  I have seen with greater clarity how real and alive He is. He is a God that gives amazing gifts. The gifts I have been given were never intended only for me. They were intended to show that God is real. They were intended to show what He can do and how much He loves His children. The blessings I have been shown are messages to others about what God longs to do for each of us. My brother-in-law, David, told me once that his grandfather always said, "In troubling times God's children have His complete attention." I have found that to be so true. So I share my prayer, not to bring attention to me, but to bring glory to God, because HE is good. I share it that you can experience it, too!

An Open Letter to God

Dear God,

There are some gifts that are so amazing that thank you is insufficient. The words I say to show appreciation on a daily basis to people who are helpful--the waiter, the person that holds the door, the bank teller--seem so underrated when offered to you.  As if the sacrifice of your one and only son was not enough, you daily seek to show me how personally you love me. That has been an amazing experience for me. The gift of Christ is an incredible gift and I hate to confess it, but there are times that I have thought of it almost as a gift for the masses, something you did for all mankind, but for me? Would you have done it for me alone? Through your daily gifts I have learned that the answer to that question is an undeniable yes! How can I know that? How can others believe it? Because I have seen the proof. Just as Mary and John and Peter witnessed the empty tomb, the proof that Christ was alive, I have seen the proof that you are alive in me. God, I am so grateful that although I walk along a dark path, I am not engulfed in the darkness. You have brought light to every day. Though my mind is often filled with frightening thoughts, you take those thoughts captive and allow me to see hope. Though it would be so easy to sink, you make sure that I remain afloat. At just the right time you send people, songs, card, calls to remind me of your love, to remind me you see me. Though my body is under attack,  you have given me strength not only to walk, but to run. This experience has been meant to harm me, but you have used it for good. You are real. You are alive. You are not for the masses, but for the individuals who make up the masses. How sad that it takes me being knocked to my knees to recognize your great, personal love for me. If that is what it takes, then I am grateful.  I know, Father, that "the nuisance" is not from you, because you give perfect gifts, but I know that you use all things for my good. Thank you that when I am knocked down, you lift my chin, look  in my eyes and gently care for me. Thank you for seeing me, for dying for me and for living for me. May I never again take for granted how much YOU love ME. 

Love,

Anna

(A note to the reader:   Don't wait for a crisis to see God's presence in your life. He daily seeks to get your attention. Watch for him in the sunset tonight. See him in a smile tomorrow. Hear him in the laughter of your children. Feel him when your loved one holds your hand. Recognize him when you are shown exceptional kindness.  Do not believe He doesn't know you individually, for He most certainly does. He created you, loves you and hovers about you even as you read this. Your heart recognizes Him, even though your mind may downplay the logic of Him. He is not logic, so don't attempt to rationalize Him. He is love, be loved by Him. Believe. I am proof He is alive and well.)

Ever Been to Schlitterbahn?

Have you ever been to Schlitterbahn? It is an awesome water park with slides and rivers full of twists and turns. The first time we took our twin boys, they were about eight years old. As a mom, I was hyper-vigilant about where they were at all times. I knew that once we got onto some of the water rides there would be places where we would be at the mercy of the water. If we got separated, getting back together would be a challenge. I also knew that there were places where the rides would fork and one direction would send you to the river, while the other kept you in the park. As we would climb to the top of the rides, we would have a decision to make about what slide to take, but once we committed to that slide, the rest was beyond our control.

I have been thinking a lot about that experience today. It is a pretty good illustration of how I feel today as we head back home from MD Anderson. When we climbed to the top of this ride back in January, we had to choose what "slide" to take. We decided that we would go with the one doctors advised. And "itza doozie". We grabbed our floatation devices and got on. Now, three months later, we are on a ride full of dips and turns that we do not control. We underwent major surgery to remove tumors from my chest, we took a steep drop as we discovered in surgery there are many more that could not be reached. We quickly whirled around a curve to begin six rounds of Power Aid (chemo to those who are confused). Our heart rates elevated when we heard the news that we will only have to endure four rounds right now because we are seeing a good response. Then whoosh, today we learned that because of that great response we will  face another swift drop in six weeks to surgically remove anything we can that remains. Following that twisting turn, we will enter a tunnel, that for now,  is too dim to see. Ups, downs, twists, turns, holding our breath, squeezing our eyes shut, sometimes wanting to scream --there is no getting off, no speeding it up, only finishing the ride.

Back to Shlitterbahn. As my little boys would climb to the tops of the watersides sometimes their courage would waiver. They would want to climb back down. Their chins would quiver when they realized there was no turning back now. I would remind them how we had been on other water slides and it had all turned out great. I would recall with them about the experiences where we'd splashed through to the end. I'd take their hand and we'd climb into the inner-tubes together and then we would scream and laugh our way to the bottom. It reminds me of the verse in Psalm 105:5 that says, "Remember the wonders He has done, His miracles, and the judgements He has pronounced. " When we recalled the wonders we had seen, the future did not seem so scary. As I stand ready for the next twists and turns of this ride,  I remember what God had done so far. He has delivered me through physical trials. He has healed my wounds. He has allowed me to see His love in ways I could not have imagined. He has let me to know the love and comfort of family, friends, and even strangers, in ways that most people never have the privilege of seeing. I will not fear my future. I have such a wealth of evidence from my past that I will be okay. I am grabbing my inner-tube and screaming and laughing my way through this ride! I will remember the wonders He has done and watch for the next miracle that lies around the corner! Viva La Schlitterbahn!!!

Moments..

"In the happy moments, praise God. In the difficult moments, seek God. In the quiet moments, trust God. In every moment, thank God." 

We are at MD Anderson this week checking on the progress of my treatment. On days like these you experience such a variety of moments. There is a lot of waiting, a lot of wondering, and a lot of talking to God.  I awoke this morning before the sun could peek through the curtains. In those quiet moments I prayed that regardless of what the day held I would have evidence that God was with me. I prayed for sight to see evidence of His work even when it didn't seem visible to the human eye. I prayed for strength to trust even if the path seemed uncertain. God was eager to show off.

 As I was called back to my first appointment, the technician commented on the cross ring I wear. I told her it was a reminder to me that God was always with me. For the next 30 minutes she spoke to me of God and faith and healing. She told me how God works miracles and examples of how she has seen that happen. She sat knee to knee with me and looked me in the eyes intently as she told me stories of what she had seen God do. Each new message began with, "I have a beautiful story of..." . It was as if she was reaching into a bag and drawing out a precious gift she wanted to unwrap and share with me. I received such evidence that God was with me. God answers prayer.

As we waited for our next appointment, we sat in the cafeteria of this immense hospital. I saw hundreds of people who are in various states of crisis and illness. There are medical needs, financial needs and huge spiritual needs. In these difficult moments, how do we trust there are enough miracles to go around? What separates my prayers from theirs? As I pondered that it occurred to me that with a limited, finite God this would be a crap shoot. We would all be competing against one another for a limited number of miracles. An answer to my prayer might mean there wasn't enough left miracle left for the person at the next table. But my God is not limited or finite. He has enough power to meet every need and still have plenty left over. In these difficult moments He calls me to seek Him and when I do, I will find him. He is faithful. God answers prayers.

As we arrived for our final appointment of the day, we received summaries of the tests that had been performed to assess the progress of my treatment. Lab work-- great! Pulmonary function--great! Tumors--significantly decreased after only two treatments! Want to talk about happy moments? That type of news will make you happy! Praise God!!!  God answers prayers!

"In the happy moments, praise God. In the difficult moments, seek God. In the quiet moments, trust God. In every moment, thank God."  Each new day has a variety of moments. Some will be happy, some will be hard.  Some will be joyful and some will seem frighteningly silent. Know that God is in every moment, but also know that our response may be what allows us to see him --or not. The sun may be shining brilliantly, but if we don't open our eyes we can miss the brilliance of it. Spiritually speaking, The Son may be shining brilliantly, but if we don't open our eyes we may miss the brilliance of Him.  Praise Him. Seek him. Trust Him. Thank Him. God answers prayer. 

Hope Deferred---But Not for Long!

Today I was supposed to go in for round 2 of my Power Aid. I steeled my nerve, put on my big girl hair and prepared to face the challenge. It takes a little  (okay, a lot) of nerve to walk into that place, I cannot lie. But I smiled and bantered when they accessed my port. I cheerfully interacted with the nurse as she updated my information, and  then I tearfully listened as the doctor told me my blood counts were too low for me to have my treatment today. The voice in my head (please tell me you have one, too)  began to scream, "Ugh, all that prep for nothing! This delay throws off our MD Anderson appointments! It means I won't be done by the end of May! It means our Spring Break plans are changed---again!  In our old life we were going to Disney World! Those plans shifted to Houston, and now? Who knows. "

I felt frustrated for a little while, but what do you do? You either sit and have a pity party or you pick up and start walking. I walked. Phooey!

We left the office and went to the main hospital to pick up some medical records that I am supposed to take to MD Anderson-- whenever that is. I called and requested them yesterday and after three call transfers, I was helped by a sweet voice identified as Janice.  She told me she'd have them ready, just to call when I was headed her way. So today I called. She gave me careful directions to find her. When we entered her office I told her how much her helpfulness meant to me. We spoke for maybe two minutes, tops. Records in hand, we thanked her and left. Enter God.

On our way home, Rodney and I stopped to get something  to eat. As we entered the restaurant my phone rang. It was the sweet voice, Janice. She asked me if I had a minute to talk. When I said I did and she began to speak. She told me that she just wanted me to know she had felt compelled (God) to tell me she was going to be praying for me. She said she didn't understand it, but sometimes you just meet people that touch you. She said that she had felt that way when she met me today and wanted to commit to pray for me. By this time I was crying and she was, too. How amazing that a total stranger would 1) want to pray for me, 2) call me to tell me about it and 3) cry with me as she told me. It was such affirmation that even on days when I feel let down, God has His eyes on me. Not only that, but He doesn't want it to be a secret. He wants me to know it. The song (based on Romans 8:28) began to play in my head, "He makes all things work together for my good."

Today wasn't what I planned, but it was exactly what God planned. How do I know? He promises that all things work together for good to those who love Him and have been called according to His purpose. What else did I learn? That a stranger's voice can make a huge difference in someone's life. How many opportunities have I missed to connect to someone? It doesn't take a lot. I know I will be watching for opportunities in the future!

So what now? I wait a week and let my body strengthen then I suck it up and try again. I reschedule MDA appointments. Maybe this just give more time for a miracle. I enjoy Spring Break at home with my family. I avoid sick people like the plague. I spend time being grateful that they are changing all my nausea meds for a better round 2.  I look for chances to be a Janice to someone. You be looking, too! Okay? I want to hear about it when you get your chance!!

Keep marching!

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

If I have learned one thing lately it is this, you don't always get to choose what happens to you in life, but you do get to choose how you respond to it.

When I started my Power Aid (aka chemo, to those of you who haven't read my blog before) I was told I should expect to lose my hair on the 14th day of treatment. Now if you know anything about me, you know I like my hair! Big hair! Maybe it is the Texan in me, maybe I just have good taste (wink, wink), but I like hair. I tease it, spray it, throw it over my shoulder. It makes me happy. It is my friend and part of my persona! I began to beg God to spare my hair. I prayed and bargained. I told him all the ways I would give Him the glory if I could just keep it, but on day 13 I rubbed my fingers through my long locks only to find them no longer on my head, but in my hands. All I could think was, "Hair today, gone tomorrow." (Seriously, that is what I thought--sometimes I scare myself.)

Now just so you know, God didn't fail me or ignore my prayer. He knows how I feel about my hair. He gave it to me. He isn't the one taking it away, but He is the one that will use it to help me see beyond my follicles.  There have been so many times in the last four months that I have thought, "__________ is the worst possible thing that could happen to me."  Over and over God has used ____________ to change my perspective. He is faithful even when times are hard.

Since the first time the "C" word was mentioned back in November, I have wondered how I would face the "bald" truth. Would I be embarrassed? Sad? Crushed? How would my boys feel to be the only 6th graders with a bald mom? Here's what I realized-- the answers to all those questions hinged on one thing. Me. I didn't choose this, but by golly, I would choose how it would happen and how we dealt with it. Weeks ago I decided that this would go down on my terms and would serve a purpose---and there would be cake! I made some proclamations.

Proclamation One- Good would come from this! If it had to lose my hair, it wouldn't be on my pillow, floor or in my trash can! My loss would be someone else's gain. I decided to cut my hair before it became unusable and donate them to Beautiful Lengths.  Pantene works with the American Cancer Society to make free wigs for cancer patients in need. My hair would be of no use to me, but someday someone will tease it, spray it and throw it over their shoulder.  A head in need deserves hair indeed! 

Proclamation Two- I wasn't going down alone. I couldn't imagine how hard it would be to walk into the bathroom alone and shave my head as tears streamed down my face. Worked on Parenthood, but just not my style. I wouldn't do this alone, nor would I go quietly! I decided to fill my bathroom with kids and laughter. This was partly for me and partly for my boys. I wanted to empower them to take some control of this as well. I wanted them to see that together we could face this with courage and confidence. I bought bald wigs for my boys, nieces and nephews, even my Arkansas kids, and requested their presence for a Bald is Beautiful party--even from afar. I put my hair in small ponytails, they slapped on their bald wigs, and together we cut off the locks. My mother, in her bald wig, shaved the rest and as a family found joy, not sorrow and love, not fear or embarrassment.

Proclamation Three- There must be cake! We celebrated the healing, not the loss, the blessings not the trials. God is good and He cares for me. Matthew 10:29-31 says, "Are not not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of the Father. And even the hairs on your head are numbered. SO DO NOT BE AFRAID. You are worth more than many sparrows!" God knows the number of each hair I lost and He cares! I have nothing to fear. My value is not on my hair, it is in His love for me! I am no Samson. Samson's strength was in his hair and the promise it represented. When he lost his hair, he lost his strength. I, on the other hand, am becoming stronger through the loss of my hair. God is using the trial to increase my strength, confidence and faith.

I knew the party had the desired effect when I saw Spencer's post on Instagram. He said, "Tonight I shaved my mother's head, but it wasn't sad. It just means the medicine is working!"  We had a choice. We chose joy!

So here I am, clean shaven and braced for the next wave. I plan on rocking some pretty wigs and "letting my hair down"! When people see me and wonder, "Is that her hair?" Why, yes it is. I have the receipt to prove it! And if for one moment someone thinks of making fun of my baldness, let me tell you another biblical truth I have learned from 2 Kings 2:23-24. "From there Elisha went up to Bethel. as he was walking along, some boys came out of the town and jeered at him. "Get out of here, baldy" they said. He turned around and looked at them and called down a curse in the name of the Lord. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled 42 of the boys." Lesson? Don't make fun of bald people and beware of bears!! (Betcha didn't remember that pieces of Bible trivia!--- thanks Mom!) 

Flee or Face the Giant?

Flee or face the giant? That question has crossed my mind so many times this week.  I have to admit after my first round of Power Aid (aka chemo), I would love nothing more than to run for the hills, hide in a cave, cover my head, avoid further confrontation. This giant seems huge! How could anyone stand up to such a menace? This is no normal fee-fi-fo-fum  giant. Oh no, this particular giant is a master of disguise. At times he appears to be a disease I must conquer. Then his shape shifts, and it is my cure itself I must wrestle.  What is designed to heal me must first destroy me. My body says, "Run away!" What shall I do? Flee or face the giant?

How does one face the giants of the day? Each day I wonder how do I approach the fight? As a little girl, I remember witnessing a giant in the form of a big old bully. She was the meanest person I knew.  I never saw her be nice to another person--ever. Her face was hard and her words were mean.  I was afraid of her. On this particular day, she threatened to cut another little girl's ears off, and by my youthful estimation she could and would have. I remember my stomach being a wriggling bundle of nerves, my knees shaking and my voice quivering, but I knew I had to stand up to this giant. It took all my courage, but I looked at her and said, "Oh no, you won't."  I braced myself for the response, afraid that now I would reap the wrath. But you know what? She just looked at me, surprised and speechless. There was nothing else for her to say. She walked away. She didn't say another word. I beat the giant. I just had to muster some courage.

Sometimes you have to face the giant, but that doesn't mean you will always feel brave. Sometimes your stomach will wriggle, your knees will shake and your voice will quiver, but you know inside it is what you have to do. So you draw a deep breath, look at the giant who says it will defeat you, and say, "Oh no, you won't." 

My giant has made me want to flee the past few days (although Praise God, each day is getting better), but this is what I know. I am not alone. I have this promise: "For I am The Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, "Do not fear. I will help you." (Isaiah 41:13).  Therefore, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. (Phillipians 4:13). 

Tomorrow I will wake up and that giant will be back on the battleground, ready to intimidate me again. He will probably have a few new tricks up his sleeve. Tomorrow I will have to choose-- fight or flee? My puny self will want to run for my life --literally. But I don't have to fight this on my own. I do not face this giant alone.  You are not alone either!! We have one who stands up for us to face the fight. It is not my voice that says, "Oh no, you won't", but the voice of one with far greater power. And in the face of that voice, the giant will be surprised and speechless. What will it be? Fight or flee? Tomorrow I will fight. See you on the battlefield!

The Power of Words

Tomorrow begins one of the biggest challenges I have ever faced. I begin CHEMO (cue the scary music). Chemo is a word than sends fear into most people's hearts. A word that makes us say, "Oh no1" when we discover a friend or loved one will have to endure it. I am getting CHEMO to treat CANCER.  My CANCER is THYMOMA. It is RARE and there is NO ONE I know that has ever had it. Look at all those words. Chemo, cancer, thymoma, rare, no one. Those are some pretty scary words. Can you feel the weight of them as you read?

You know what? You have scary words, too. Yours may be different. Maybe yours are lonely, scared about the future, in debt, conflicted with a loved one, unemployed, sad, failure, ill, lost, stressed...you fill in the blank.

The impact that my  words have had on me, and others in my life, has led me to think a lot about the power of words. As a student of human behavior and the brain, I have long known, from multiple research studies, that what we think and do has a direct impact on how we feel and our physiology (how our body feels). Where we can control what we choose to think and what we do, it is more difficult to change our feelings and physiology. The only way we can change those areas, is by changing how we think and act.  Our emotions and our physical states follow our thoughts and actions. When we think our scary words,  it changes the chemistry of our brain. Our brain in turn sends signals to our body to react. Our body receives the message and responds accordingly. For example, I can sit here and think, "I have a headache." If I dwell on that message, my brain sends it to my body, my body reacts, and soon I will indeed have a headache. There is even research to indicate that people who smile, even though they are in an an unpleasant situation, actually experience more happiness and comfort than those who frown through the same situation. Our feelings follow our thoughts and actions.

The Bible talks about thoughts, too. 2 Corinthians 10:5 says, "...We take captive of every thought to make it obedient to Christ." And how are we to do this? Many scriptures speak to this, but one that stands out to me is Phillipians 4:8 "Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-- think about these things."

My scary words don't meet those criteria. They are not true, noble, pure and lovely. They are not admirable, praiseworthy or excellent.  I am not alone. That is a lie. Cancer and chemo are not lovely. The fear they produce is not admirable or praiseworthy. The way they make me feel is not excellent. If I listen to those words, I am weakened. My brain becomes tuned in to the negative messages, on what seems to big to overcome.  My body will hear my brain, and believe it. It will begin to manifest the lies.  If you listen to your scary words, you are weakened, too. But if we hold our thoughts captive to what we are told to focus on, we unleash God's power in our lives. That is not to say our problems disappear. It doesn't mean we will walk around happy and strong all the time. This life isn't for sissies and the naive. What it does mean, is that as we walk the more challenging paths we will be able to do so more gracefully and will be able to see light in the darkness. The darkness may remain, but we have hope. And not only hope, we will also find joy. Joy endures when happiness fades.

I won't take on the personality of my scary words. I will not own cancer and thymoma. I have a "Nuisance" that I have to deal with so I can continue on my journey. Instead of seeing chemo as something that is going to make me ill and fatigued, and kill off cells in my body, I am choosing to see this healing treatment as "Power Aid".  What flows into my veins is going to make me stronger, not weaker. My rare "nuisance" does not make me alone. I am surrounded by people who love me and are lifting me up on prayer and daily thoughts. The fight does not disappear, but my strength for the fight greatly increases when I stay focused on the truth.

What about your scary words? What lies are hidden in them? How can you reframe those thoughts so that you hold them captive, rather than being held captive by them? I want to challenge your thoughts. Rather than focusing on what you don't want in your life, focus on what you do want. Rewrite your scary words. Let conflict become forgiveness; fear become hope; and failure become second chances. Don't focus on where you are, focus on where you want to be. Most importantly, never lose sight of the one who will take you there.

Let's revisit that first paragraph:

 Tomorrow begins one of the biggest opportunities for healing that I have ever had. I begin my healing treatment that I like to call "Power Aid". I am getting "Power Aid" to treat a little "Nuisance"  so that I will have a long, healthy and joyful future!  Those are some powerful words. Can you feel the strength of them as you read?

I challenge you. Rewrite the paragraphs of your life. And know this, "In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world!" (John 16:33).

As you pray with me along this journey, I pray for you, too. We have different struggles, but we all struggle. Thanks for praying and cheering me on!! I am so blessed!! Now, we have to get back to marching around those walls of Jericho!

Life Lessons From A GPS

Rush hour traffic in Houston (or should I say Rush HOURS)--you have to be NUTS to try to travel during that insanity, but we had no choice. After a change of MD Anderson appointments and necessary cancellation of flights, we were faced with picking up a rental car in one part of town, driving to the airport to drop off another, then trekking all the way across town again.  In order to pull off this challenge, Rodney and I would have to travel in two cars. We were in unfamiliar territory, dependent on our GPSs for directions. We entered our location and began the slow moving, bumper-to-bumper excursion. It was far to crowded to glance down at my map and see where I needed to go. All I could do was listen and obey. If I was careful to listen, and do exactly as told, I would arrive at my destination (in a few, loooonnnggg hours). If I ignored instruction and took things into my own hands, I would soon be lost. Fortunately,  if I somehow got off track (which I did---the only way to change lanes in that traffic is to buy the car next to you)  all I had to do was slow down and listen for further input. My GPS would reroute me towards my original destination. The trip might be a little more complicated, and take a little longer, but I would safely arrive at point B.

I began to see a moral to this story. I realized God is like that GPS. If I will listen and respond to his instruction, I will safely arrive at my destination. Sometimes I don't do that. Sometimes I rush and miss my turn or decide I know a better way.  But because of mercy, God, like the GPS, is happy to reroute me when I mess up---if I will slow down, listen and obey. 

Today I am lost in the rush hour traffic of cancer. I am daily receiving input on the best way to arrive at healing. I have heard from surgeons, oncologists, radiologists, nutritionists, well-meaning strangers and a few cracked websites. Today I got directions to schedule a port placement so we can begin up to six rounds of chemo, one every three weeks. Then we are to travel to MD Anderson after two rounds to see how we are doing and decide on next steps. Looking at this "map" can be too distracting right now.  There is too much going on. Glancing down could easily lead to a crash. My best option is to follow my GPS--God Positioning System. I am counting on him to give me one instruction at a time, redirect me if I get lost, and safely deliver me to my destination . Although I feel stuck, he can see the big picture and knows just how to get me where I need to be. 

So buckle up my little prayer travelers, we are on our way. I may be the only person to ever be grateful for rush hour traffic but I am grateful for the lesson learned!  "Proceed on to your destination." 

In the Details

Thursday was to be our last day at MD Anderson. We had been there for 9 days and were more than ready to return to our home and our family. It had been a week of anxiously waiting for answers, and never feeling like we had quite enough to know where we were heading. Our final scheduled appointments were with a series of doctors who would deliver the game plan---or so we thought.

As we arrived for the series of appointments, we were told that my oncologist, and lead doctor, had been called away for an emergency. I would have to see another physician. My heart dropped. The man who had requested all the tests, who promised all the answers, wasn't available. A week of waiting for this moment and we would not be seeing our primary caregiver. We would start from scratch with a new doctor. There was nothing to do but swallow and say, "Oh, okay."Dejected, we moved to the waiting area, but we quickly decided that God had been so faithful during this trip. He would be faithful in this as well.

After a time, we were called back to the exam room. As they tried to sort through who would see us, we got lost in the shuffle. As we waited for the new oncologist to be assigned, we fell off the radar of the radiologist. It took radiology awhile to realize we were there and had not missed our appointment. Nurses came in and out trying to figure out who would see us and how we would get everything done. They were diligently trying to sort things through.

Finally we were assigned to a new doctor. As we waited to meet her, the radiologist came in to see us. He had index cards on a book ring with information about my case. He was very knowledgeable and helpful. He answered our questions and offered information. His thoroughness was comforting.  As we sat with him, the newly assigned doctor popped in to meet us. We wrapped up with radiologist and began to visit with the her. She had to catch up on our case, but tried hard to do so. She tried to answer our questions to the best of her ability. Ultimately, these two decided that radiation was probably not our first line of defense as we had originally thought. It is important to know that when we originally began this journey, we were hopeful that radiation would be our source of treatment. We thought it had less side effects and didn't sounds as scary. What we didn't realize is that radiation would mean 4-6 weeks at MD Anderson---away from our family. What had seemed desirable was now amazingly frightening. We were thrilled that it would be a final option rather than the first. The doctors were in agreement on that point, but couldn't decide was what should happen next, chemo or more surgery. It was then decided that we should meet with a surgeon for his input. They asked if we could stay another day for an appointment. Doing so would mean missing our flight home, changing our travel plans, delaying hugging our sweet boys. I was so ready to be home, but Rodney quickly said we would stay. As the nurses went to make arrangements, they discovered that the surgeons were already gone for the day. They could not promise we would be seen or what doctor would be available. They would call us and let us know.

We left the office with that familiar feeling of uncertainty. As we sat in the cafeteria, eating and waiting for our shuttle, they called. We would be seen. We began to cancel flights, change rental arrangements and notify our family. Now this is where the story gets good!!

Friday we arrived for our appointment. After a lengthy wait, we were called back to the exam room. The surgeon finally came in and began our consultation. He explained in great depth, with vivid illustrations, what thymoma was and how it functioned. He described how it spread and how it responded to treatment. He began to talk about the two remaining tumors on my diaghram. These tumors were not removed in surgery because we didn't know about them until I was on the operating table. He said that in retrospect, the two remaining tumors could probably now be seen on the original CT scans since we knew what to look for. That was interesting. My surgeon in Lubbock said those exact words to me. I looked at him and said, "That is what Dr. Springer, my surgeon, told me." At this point he replied, "I know Bill well. I trained him. We have had several conversations about your case." My heart jumped in my chest. This doctor, who I wasn't supposed to see originally; who squeezed me in last minute; who was one of eight possible doctors I could have seen; who I might not have been referred to at all had my original doctor been there, had trained the surgeon who operated on me in Lubbock. He had conferred on my case long before we met. Weeks, no years, before this appointment, God had been ahead of me preparing for this moment. Preparing the men who would assist in my healing. Once again, I stood amazed.

We finished our barrage of questions and came to an understanding that surgery was probably not the best place to start. The surgeon was very certain that chemo, which of the three options could be done at home, was the place to begin. We wouldn't begin with weeks of radiation or surgery away from home. We would go to our boys and begin to heal.

 The appointment began to wrap up. The doctor leaned forward and tapped on the cross ring on my hand and said, "I like your ring." I replied, "It is a reminder". He referred back to my Lubbock surgeon, Dr. Springer, and their prior conversations about me.  I asked, "So how did I get up to you and you already know me? How did I randomly end up with the doctor who trained my surgeon and had prior knowledge of my case?" He looked at me and said, "I think you'd have to say it is a God thing." Tears filled my eyes as I replied, "I asked for that today."  He came and hugged me and said, "We'll take care of this." And you know what? I have full faith in that promise. God has been working since my surgeon was in medical school to take care of this. He has rearranged appointments, schedules and doctors to take care of this. God is in the details.

I would never wish this situation on anyone. I would never have chosen it for myself. I wouldn't choose it now given a choice, but I would not want to miss these moments for anything in the world. God has made himself so abundantly evident. Now I know, that I know, that I know that God is God.  My prayer comes from 1 Chronicles 16:11-12: Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always. REMEMBER THE WONDERS HE HAS DONE, HIS MIRACLES, and the judgements he pronounced." I pray I never forget HIS wonders.