A Bed of Roses

A few weeks ago while on our way to MD Anderson, this rose bush caught my eye. Actually, it was more of a thorn bush with a few sporadic roses sprinkled about. The stark beauty caught my attention and I made Rodney stop so that I could grab a picture. The contrast between the "dead", thorny bushes and the bright red flowers had its own kind of beauty that I couldn't help but capture.

If you're reading this there is a good chance that you already know that on that trip we didn't get the news we hopefully expected. Rather than finding out that "The Nuisance" was stable and unremarkable, we were told that there had been some growth in spots and that a new spot was observed.  We were crushed. We have a lot of unknowns before us and so many decisions that we cannot even begin to make at this time.  Many of you have joined us in saying, "Phooey" and we cannot tell you how grateful we are for the love, encouragement, and prayers that you have poured on our family. Your cards, texts, and posts have helped us get our feet back under us and move from an emotionally reactive place to a place where we can process better and think through what the best next steps will look like. WE THANK YOU FOR THAT!!

There are so many things we wish were different. Obviously, we'd love to never have to face this again. We worry about the boys in their senior year, about the side effects of possible trials, about the cost of traveling frequently to Houston, about the future, about...., about..., about..., the list goes on an on. If we aren't careful it is easy to be swamped with those thoughts. It would be easy to say, "This isn't fair. We've already done this...TWICE." It would be simple to think "Why us? Why now?"  or  "We are pretty good folks, why does this happen?" And then I am reminded of the bush.

You see, often when trials come we feel like the bad things are unfair. We tend to have a view that life is supposed to be a bed of roses and that the thorns should be few and far between. We believe that the roses are the dominant part of life when the truth is just the opposite. Life is not a bed of roses. Life is a bed of thorns and the goodness of God allows roses to grow in in the midst of the thorns of life.  Now before you think that is a pessimistic view (because I am anything but a pessimist) consider these thoughts. 

You and I live in a BROKEN world. Sometimes the thorns in our lives happen because of the bad things we or others have done, sometimes they happen because of external things in the world around us. And sometimes they just happen. John 13:33 says, "In this world, you will have trouble." That is the norm. That is what we can expect. That is the bed of thorns we live in, but the beauty comes in the second part of that passage and says, " But TAKE HEART!!! I have overcome the world!" There is the rose! I am going to have trouble. It is a given. Today it is the Nuisance but it could easily be something else. The shock is not that it happens. We are promised there will be trouble. The shock is the beautiful things that grow in the midst of the thorns. I have to be honest if I got what I really deserved it wouldn't be the blossom. I am a hot mess, living in a fallen world. I deserve the thorns, but because of God's love for me, he doesn't give me what I deserve. In fact, his son Jesus wore my thorns upon his brow so that I could see the roses. That is the most beautiful gift in the world. He didn't deserve the thorns, he deserved the roses. And yet he bore the thorns for me. When I consider that I cannot say that this isn't fair. All I can say is THANK YOU that in this bed of thorns I can count on God to show me roses. 

 The bushes also remind me about the power of perspective. When the trials come, what do we focus on? We have a decision, and it is truly a conscious decision to make, do we focus on the roses or the thorns? Some people in our world see only the hard, thorny, rough pieces of their lives. Oh, how they miss out on the beauty that exists. The roses are there, but you have to be willing to see them. Once you begin to watch for them you will notice them everywhere. And then an amazing thing happens. The thorns do not go away, those rough branches and sharp edges are still a reality of life, but they become completely overshadowed by the roses. And as the roses overpower the thorns life begins to change (there is the optimist in me!). It changes for you, for your family, for your friends, for your community and in our world. I find that incredible.

So I will be honest. We wish this thorn didn't exist and that we had answers to all our questions. I know you wish the same in your current lives, but we claim this verse:

"We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven into despair, persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed." 2 Corinthians 4:8-9

Life is a big ole bed of thorns, but THANK GOD for the roses!!!!!

Update:

 Thanks so much to those of you who are praying for us. So many of you have asked how you can help us and really right now we need only one thing -- prayers for information and clarity. We are trying to gather all the facts to help guide our decisions. The radiology report we received mentioned growth and a new spot but did not provide much detail on where, how many, how much. I will not move a muscle until I have that information. When dealing with a chronic disease one has to plot moves carefully. There are only so many surgeries, radiations, chemo, etc. that I can have over the course of my life. We are grateful that there may be some new options to add to our list of options and we also want to use each one at just the right moment. Please pray that we are able to get better information on what we are actually dealing with and the urgency (or hopeful lack thereof) of the need for treatment. If we can coast awhile we want to coast. Pray that once we are armed with that information that we know what the next steps should be and when. 

Surrenders

So this year my word has been "Changed". I picked it because changed is what I want to be. I committed to being changed spiritually, physically, and financially. I picked it because change is what I expected with the boys being seniors and going to college in the fall. I picked it because the change specific in their lives means my relationship with my husband will be changed; my roles at church will be changed; my weekly schedule will be changed. I picked it because I eagerly anticipated that my life would be changed. Little did I know...the changes I was anticipating are not the only ones I will face. I am coming to terms with the fact that part of being changed this year will involve The Nuisance. (May I say again, PHOOEY!)

It takes some time for your brain to catch up with your body when you get news like that. It is a lot to process.  God begins to use people to whisper encouragement, he sends music to remind you of his love, he places images in your mind and in the environment to paint a picture of his presence. And today, he used Surrenders.

Part of my being "Changed" has been working out. Today I hit 36 days in a row (Hang with me--- there is a point to this story). I even kept my body moving in the past few tough days --- part of needing to feel normal and in control of something.  One of the exercises that I have been dong is a device of TORTURE called Surrenders. To perform surrenders you hold weights at shoulder level and drop to the right knee, then left so you are kneeling. From the kneeling position, you lift your right foot up and place it in front of yourself and press up to come to a standing position. You repeat this for 60 seconds and then repeat on the other side. It is BRUTAL! The first few times I did it my legs quivered like crazy. There was no stinkin' way that I could do it with weights. I didn't make it through the first 60 seconds. I thought I was going to have to crawl out of the basement because my legs were noodles. But now I am beginning to notice new strength. I am able to get through the full round (and even walk upright out of the basement!! LOL) I  have even upped my weights. While surrenders are still not a delight I am getting stronger. That really spoke to me today.

Sometimes life is a bit brutal. It can swiftly remind us of our weakness. It can cause us to tremble and feel like we cannot rise to continue on. It can make us feel like we have no strength, no power, no perseverance. BUT here is what I was reminded of --- strength is built through acts of surrender. When confronted with our weakness we must kneel. We surrender to the ONE who builds our strength. We bring him everything we have and we lay it at his feet and when we've done that, we muster our strength (that comes from Him) and get up and get to the challenge ahead. The more we repeat that process the stronger we become. Surrender. Stand. Repeat. Surrender. Stand. Repeat. Surrender. Stand. Repeat.

Surrender is the point where we let go. It is the place that we kneel before our deliverer and let him pour strength into us.  It is the point where we think we can't, but fully trust that HE CAN.  "Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up."  James 4:10 Strength is built through surrender.

This year I will be changed. Some changes will be welcomed, some will be imposed. I only know one way through. Surrender. Stand. Repeat. Want to be my workout buddy?



Love y'all. Thanks so much for the sweet words you have shared with me and mine in the past few tough days. We know there are more ahead and are so grateful that we are not ever alone.  I pray that God uses each of us to make the world a better place every day! You have certainly done that for me!

Swinging Between Fear and Faith

Phooey! Phooey! PHOOEY, PHOOEY, PHOOEY!!!!! Sometimes you just have to be real and say PHOOEY!!!! I am in one of those moments. This week we traveled to MD Anderson for my check-ups -- bloodwork, scans and a little bit of wait and see. I wish I could say, "IT WAS AWESOME", but all I have at the moment is PHHHOOOOEEEEYYYYY!!!! (Okay, there may be a "Well, CRAP" in there, too. Just sayin'...) Unfortunately, The Nuisance is not stable and unremarkable as we always hope. Multiple spots have shown growth since my scans three months ago. PHOOEY!!!! PHOOEY, PHOOEY, PHOOEY!!!!!!!

We have a million unknowns in front of us. I have to be honest and tell you that I am hanging between faith and fear right this second. I know that like monkey bars I have to let go of one to grab the other. I KNOW that God has this. I KNOW that He will provide like He always does. I KNOW that I will see beautiful things that will forever change me, but right now I seem paralyzed by the things I DON'T know. I will win that fight between faith and fear, bet on that with everything you have, but man, it is a struggle.

Here is what we know and don't know. We KNOW that they want me back in a few weeks to be a part of a trial in which they will take a tissue sample in order to do some genetic testing. This has just recently been approved in the thymoma world. If there is a specific mutation (something called a driver cell????? one of the things I DON'T know much about) then they can treat it with a medication that is a genetic match. This is new and not without risks, but it is promising at the same time. It will take some time to get the genetic testing done so it may be a few weeks before we know if I am a match. (I do have to laugh that in the past I've asked you to pray that I am stable and unremarkable and now I am praying I am a certain kind of mutant. Oh, the humor of it all!) We KNOW that if I am a match that they will start me on a pill which would be convenient. We DO NOT KNOW how long, what side effects are at risk or really much of anything else except that it is a shot, another option for my arsenal.

We KNOW that if that doesn't pan out that they'd like me to be in another trial for immunotherapy. This is all pretty new to Thymoma as well. There are risks of course and it may or may not work, but it is another new shot. One of the biggest I DON'T KNOWS is that this particular treatment would require me to travel to Houston every three weeks. I DON'T HAVE ANY CLUE HOW THAT CAN HAPPEN. That is one that has me clinging to fear like crazy right this second. My family, senior boys, time, money, work, and life are all shouting in my head THAT ISN'T POSSIBLE, but that, fortunately, is followed by a whisper that says, "You've said that before..." to which I humbly hang my head and say, "I KNOW."

I wish I was at a pretty place where I knew all the answers, but right now I am a bit frozen on the fear of I DON'T KNOW. I don't want to be here again. I don't want to do this. I had different plans for senior year. I am scared, worried, sad, and completely overwhelmed yet loved, blessed, certain, and confident that this battle is already won.  I wish that meant it wouldn't be a struggle, but it will be. I know.

We'd love your prayers. WE KNOW they make a difference. WE KNOW our God is faithful. WE KNOW he will provide. WE KNOW that he has plans that will amaze us all! WE KNOW!

Thanks for letting me yell PHOOEY for a bit. Thanks for letting me be afraid. I'm feeling a little stronger now, think it is time to start swinging and grab that bar of faith! It can hold me. I KNOW!