What Would You Do...?

My friend Kelli posted a question on her Facebook a few weeks ago. She asked, "What would you do if you knew you only had a few months to live?" When that question used to cross my mind, Tim McGraw's song would start like a recording in my head.  "I'd go skydiving. I'd go Rocky Mountain climbing. I'd go 2.7 seconds on a bull named Fu Man Chu.." (Feel free to sing along, folks.) The lyrics would make think of all the BIG things I would want to do if  I didn't  have much time. Having brushed a little closer with the reality of limited time than I would have chosen, I have discovered an unexpected truth. It isn't the exotic trips or adrenalin-filled adventures that line my to-do list. It is paying more attention to the normal things. Turns out the LITTLE things are the BIG things! Who knew?!?

Tim croons that we should live like we were dying. Pretty good advice actually. What would I do if I only had a few days, months, years, to live?

Praise God--all day, every day.

See more sunsets (Sunrises are just so stinking early! I have a friend who posts a picture of a sunrise each day on Facebook. I live vicariously through her! Those extra minutes of sleep bring me happiness!)

Treat my family with the sort of pleasantness I use in public. (Yikes! Sometimes I am nicer in the hall at work than I am in my own home!)

Tell people how I feel about them (if it is nice, of course).

Find good in bad situations.

Chill out about things I can't control.

Do  random acts of kindness more often.

Listen.

Take lots of pictures with people I love.

Encourage people who are struggling.

Write.

Tell my boys how much I love them and how proud they make me every day. (And hug them even if they squirm!)

Treat my husband like I did when we were dating.

Slow down.

Listen to really good music.

Smile.

Reminisce and tell stories of "the good ole days" (which may have been this morning).

Say thank you for all life's blessings.

Fix what I can fix and let go of the rest.

Play some practical jokes.

Laugh.

Sit on my porch and be quiet.

Ask forgiveness.

Be present.

Love.

Live each day with passion.

Not an all inclusive list, but plenty to get me started! How about you? What would you do? I wonder if you will discover that the little stuff is the big stuff.  Whatever is on your list, get after it! No one is promised tomorrow, but if you are reading this, you have today! Better get a move on!

Itsy, Bitsy, Teeny, Weeny, Yellow, Polka dot Bikini....

It was an Itsy, bitsy, teeny, weeny, yellow, polka dot bikini, that she wore for the first time today...

Ok, no it really wasn't,  but it WAS the first time I put on a bathing suit since I started my battle with the Nuisance. The scars down the front of my chest and across my back were clearly visible. I stepped in front of the mirror, and was caught a little off guard when I raised my eyes to my reflected face and saw I was smiling.  I suddenly realized that those scars, which at one time symbolized fear and cancer, now  represented power and grace. 

There are so many layers of miracle there. I remember way back to December when I found out I would have to have my chest cracked (still hate that term). I didn't know what type of nuisance I had at that point. Somehow my mind settled on the scar as something it could effectively worry about. I dreaded the rope-like scar that would mark me for life.  Those of you that have read my blog awhile know that God was at work in that fear to show me that he was in the details. He gave me a special Hand-stitched gift to prove it. My scar, because of a gift, looks more like a scratch. (See Hand Stitched with Love for the full story). The scar I feared so much turned out to be a chance for him to give me a gift.

The scar across my back brought me the miracle of being able to say my name is NED (no evidence of disease).  I love that it was the second surgery and that it is on my back. It reminds me this season is behind me and that this battle has been won.

Throughout this fight the song lyrics "I know who goes before me, I know who stands behind, the God of angel armies, is always by my side" has been an anthem in my mind. Psalm 139:5 says, "You hem me in behind and before,and you lay your hand upon me." My scars (in front and behind) tell me I am literally hemmed in by a God who will not allow me to experience anything he can't help me handle!

I think this is the first time since about eighth grade that I have smiled at my reflection in a bathing suit. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Each scar reminds me of the victory, not the trial. (Now I have to admit I haven't figured out a spiritual explanation for cellulite, but I am looking for it...) I am amazed how God can change bad for good, fear for confidence, and dread for hope. The God who changed water into wine is still in the business of changing things. Don't believe it? Let's go layout by the pool and I will tell you all about it! Suit up!

Mosaics

Recently my son had the opportunity to help create a large mosaic honoring our hometown as part of a class art project. (Awesome activity, Mrs Mosely). The piece is proudly displayed on the wall of our county library. A few evenings ago my parents, husband and I went to examine the masterpiece. It is created with images that reflect the history of our community. Beautiful.

My husband was getting an up close look at the handiwork. As he stood only a foot away, he struggled to make out one of the images. He questioned what it might be, to which my mother responded, "Step back a little and take another look." He did so. As he did, the familiar object began to take shape. My chemistry teacher of a husband, could now clearly recognize the beaker on display. (Actually, it is an Erlenmeyer flask, but you get the idea.)

I thought how relevant that experience is to life. So often from our close up perspective, we are unable to make sense of what we see in our lives.  We struggle to understand situations. We wrestle to make sense of problems. We search for solutions to trials we cannot comprehend.  It is only when we are able to step back, that we can clearly see the full picture and gain some insight. Sometimes stepping back takes time. Sometimes it requires distancing ourselves. Sometimes it takes someone saying, "Step back a little and take another look."

I don't know how many times in my life I have had to step back from an issue to really understand it. Stepping back isn't always easy. Sometimes it means giving up our illusion of control. That can be tough, but it is necessary. This all makes me think of a verse in 1 Corinthians 13:12,  "For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known." Some of life's mosaics may not become clear this side of heaven. From our perspectives we may only catch glimpses of the bigger picture. It may not be clear how our circumstances are interwoven to create a beautiful design, but they are.

When you find yourself staring at your life and not comprehending what you see, think of the mosaic. Take a step back and look from a different perspective. Sometimes that is all it takes to get some clarity.  When it doesn't become clear, don't give up hope. Each event in your life is like a tile in a mosaic, going together to create a beautiful design. Some tiles have to be cracked and broken to create the image. It may not make sense from up close, and it may hurt a little (or a lot), but someday when you step back, you will get the picture!

Drift Happens!

Remember what it is like to spend  the afternoon just floating at the lake? You start off near the dock, enjoying the sun. You open your eyes and realize that while you were relaxing, you drifted far from where you started . You didn't intend to, and didn't even know how far out you had gone. Yet here you are, with a swim ahead of you. So much for relaxing!

A sweet friend and I were discussing how drifting doesn't just happen at the lake. It happens in life, too. We drift with our weight, our finances, and our jobs. Sometimes we drift in friendships. We don't intend to, we just sort of relax into life and before we know it, we have drifted away from a friend. It happens in marriage. We start out so excited in our marriages and assume that "LOVE" will keep us close together. Then life happens. Children are born, jobs are acquired, and suddenly you wake up one morning and realize that you have drifted from that person who meant so much to you. It happens in our relationship with God. We don't mean for it to happen, it just sneaks up on us. One day we wake up and realize that the last time we really felt close to God was back at youth camp in high school. We float along in life and expect to stay where we began, but that isn't what happens. We drift.

There is only one solution for drifting- being intentional. If we don't want to drift at the lake, we must intentionally secure ourselves to the dock. If we don't want to drift with our weight, finances, or in our jobs, we have to intentionally set goals, make plans, and work at it. If friendships matter, we must intentionally communicate and connect. If we care about our marriage, we must intentionally spend time together and encourage one another. If our relationship with God is to be all it was designed to be, we have to intentionally seek Him. If not, drift happens.

Where are you right now in this lake we call life? Are you near your "dock" or have you opened your eyes to realize you have drifted far away from the very things that matter most to you? If you've drifted, start swimming my friend! You can't wait expecting the dock to swim back to you. It doesn't work that way. If something matters to you, you have to make the move to get back to it. The sooner you intentionally start to paddle back, the sooner you reach the dock!

Be on the lookout, my little floating companion.  Drift happens!

Every day you spend drifting away from your goals is a waste not only of that day, but also of the additional day it takes to regain lost ground.

Ralph Marston

Father's Day From Far Away

My poor dad. Raising three girls couldn't have possibly been easy. Perhaps that is why his hair is so white. Being the only man in a house of women involved late night runs to Circle S to buy four pair of pantyhose on Saturday nights, lifetime membership to Girl Scouts (yes, for him) and enduring 4 sets of mood swings on any given day. Dodging those must have been rougher than running the gauntlet! But before you feel too sorry for him, he did find ways to get a little revenge. If the man ever says, "Hold your sister's hands and touch this wire.", don't do it. I also wouldn't recommend sticking your tongue on a battery, but that is a different story. Today I am thinking about things I know because of my dad. This weekend is Father's Day and we are in Houston for more appointments and can't be with him to celebrate, but we don't have to be together for me to think of him--and thank him.

My daddy has always called me Dandy Andy.  Dandy, for short. I am his first born, and favorite (don't tell my sisters, they don't know that part).  My dad and I are very much alike. We can be a little feisty at times, love a good problem to solve, can be a little stubborn, and want to see people treated right. I have learned a lot of lessons from my dad over the years. Some serious, some funny, and some just good-to-know.

 I know that with bailing wire, duct tape and a Prince Albert can, you can fix most anything.

I know that if you wrap hot dogs in foil and set them on the engine of your car, you can drive around on a lazy Saturday  and they will be cooked when you are ready to eat.

I know that if you chew wheat, it turns to gum.

I know how fast a Fiat can really go on a dirt road when a kid is in the driver's seat for the first time. (He probably regretted that one.)

I know how fast a combine can stop. (Bet he regretted that one, too since he was standing up on it at the time.)

I know how to change a tire and oil in my car. I can even remove a radiator in a pinch.

I know it is never too late at night to call home for help.

I know that you should alway loan things without the expectation of getting them back. If it comes back, great. If it doesn't , it is okay because you didn't expect to anyway. (Sorry about that cowboy hat I borrowed as a prop, Dad. Oh, and the knife, too.)

I know that taking care of people who can't take care of themselves is important.

I know a good leader never stops learning how to be a good leader.

I know that God provides if you will just wait on him.

I know to be grateful for what I have.

I know to live one day at a time.

I know that if I am ever mistreated my dad will come to my defense. 

I know that love, forgiveness and grace are some of the best characteristics of God.

I know you just can't rush some things.

I know there is almost always more than one way to do things.

I know if you can't solve a problem, to walk away for a little bit and think of something else. It is amazing how often the answers will come to you then.

I know sometimes you have to let people learn things the hard way and that standing back and watching can be hard. 

I know serving God and others is always more important than serving yourself.

I know that being a parent doesn't stop when your kids are grown and that watching them struggle is never easy.

I know that my daddy would have gladly traded places with me during the past seven months fighting The Nuisance. I also know I wouldn't let him. He can't trade places with me, but he raised me well and taught me lessons that have helped me persevere through trial. I am grateful for my father. I am grateful for how he reflects my Heavenly Father.  I wish I could be with him to celebrate.

Happy Father's Day, Daddy!

Love,

   Dandy

The Transplant List

I just heard a story of the Bingham family of North Powder, Oregon.  They have five children who have had, or will need, heart transplants due to genetic heart abnormalities. Two of the children have already received transplants, another a pacemaker, and the others will find themselves on the transplant list soon. Can you imagine the burden of that load? The physical, emotional and financial stress? My heart so goes out to them. The reporter stated that he had been surprised to find that in spite of it all, there was much happiness and gratitude in the home. I bet I know where that strength comes from.
Some heart transplants aren't physical.

I have been blessed to discover, like the Binghams, that it really is possible to find joy in distress, strength in challenges, gratitude in trials and courage in the face of fear, but it requires undergoing a heart transplant. You see human hearts have defects.  We are prone to complaining, doubt, fear, and discouragement. When trouble comes, our defective hearts immediately begin to race and expect the worst. They pound out  rhythms of defeat. They pulsate with fear. But new hearts are available. Psalm 51:10 says, "Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me." With these new hearts, come new ways of seeing life. Trembling can be replaced with steadfastness.  Troubles don't disappear, but they no longer lead to heart failure. The great thing about this type of transplant is there is no waiting list or need to find the perfect match. The psalmist just asked for a new heart. In the New Testament, Jesus promised, "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you." Luke 11:9. No insurance policy required.

After a physical transplant, patients typically have a lifetime of medications to sustain their new found health. The same is true of a spiritual transplant. Maintenance is required. I find that my heart is subject to weakness if I don't care for it properly. The medicine for spiritual maintenance is prayer, scripture and fellowship with others who encourage, support and help with healing. The new heart you have received won't ever be taken away, but it may not function properly if you don't care for it. Don't forget you daily doses to keep you heart strong!

There are amazing outcomes from a spiritual heart transplant. Our prognosis is found in Psalm 112:7  "They will have no fear of bad news; their hearts are steadfast, trusting in the Lord." I have a feeling that the Bingham family can claim that verse. I know I have found it to be true. The reporter of the Binghams's story said that it wasn't just the Bingham's that had been changed through this experience, but it was all of them involved with the story. He was changed. That is the power of a transplanted heart. It can touch others as well! 

I hope you will find the power of a transplanted heart!

Here is a link to this amazing family's story. Pray for their family! http://www.bendbulletin.com/article/20120715/NEWS0107/207150319/. Their story will be featured on Dateline 6/5/2013.

Saving Private Ryan

"I hope that, at least in your eyes, I've earned what all of you have done for me."

Scenes from the movie Saving Private Ryan have played over and over in my head in the past week. The movie tells the story of 8 soldiers who have been given orders to go behind enemy lines during World War II. Their mission is to find a Private by the name of James Ryan. Three of his brothers have made the ultimate sacrifice of their lives during this war. Their mother will be told of all three deaths on the same day. Seeking to alleviate some of her misery, it has been determined that the fourth brother, Ryan, will be pulled from service and sent home.

The eight men on the mission make many sacrifices, including the lives of some of their own men, in order to save Private Ryan. At one point in the film, Captain Miller says, "He better be worth it. He better go home and cure a disease, or invent a longer-lasting light bulb. “Finally, after much searching, they discover Ryan, but he is unwilling to leave his post.  Duty outweighs the desire to be safe at home. As a battle ensues, Captain Miller is ultimately injured.  In his last words, he says to Ryan, "Earn this...earn it."

The scene shifts and we see an elderly Ryan standing at the grave of Captain Miller.  Among things he says, we hear these words, "Every day I think about what you said to me that day on the bridge. I tried to live my life the best that I could. I hope that was enough. I hope that, at least in your eyes, I've earned what all of you have done for me."

That is the scene that has resonated with me. Through our battle with The Nuisance, so many people have sought us out and made sacrifices to improve our situation. There have been gifts of prayer, time, cards, food, encouragement, flowers, visits, money and love. We have been so overwhelmed by them and have been humbled to see how people have been so willing to save our family. We have thought over and over that we can never repay all the kindness that has been shown, but we are so eager to try. We want to live our lives, like Private Ryan, in a way that earns all you have done for us. We want to be worth it. I don't know that I will cure a disease, or create a longer lasting light bulb, but I do intend to live my life in a way that makes it all worthwhile. We are so grateful!

On an even grander scale, I realize that someday I will stand before another that I desperately want to please. I will face my "Captain", one who paid a high price for my healing and my salvation.  Isaiah 53:5 has been a verse I have thought of repeatedly through my battle. It says, "But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed."  Jesus, like Captain Miller in the movie, made a sacrifice of his life for me. Captain Miller may have helped save Ryan's life, but Jesus' sacrifice has saved my soul.  When it is all said and done, and I stand before Him in heaven, I would like to be able to say that I have done the best I can to earn what He has done for me. Unfortunately, I can never do enough to earn it. Gratefully, His grace covers my shortcomings! I hope, that at least in God's eyes, that in the end He can say I have lived my life in a way that shows I was grateful for all He has done for me.

From One Ned to Another

NED- No Evidence of Disease. What a beautiful classification. Yesterday when I received that description, I was overwhelmed by the beauty of it. I felt as if I were seeing a glimpse of heaven. It is just a small sample of what we will feel when we stand before the Father and all sin and sickness is erased. We know there will be no tears in heaven, but that is hard for me to believe since yesterday tears flowed so freely as I absorbed the enormity of the gift of healing!

It got me to thinking on a larger scale. Do you realize that through forgiveness, we are all allowed to be Ned not only a physical level, but on a spiritual level as well? It is so beautiful to me that when I mess up and sin enters my life, God's forgiveness washes all that away. No matter how far I go from Him, no matter how badly I have behaved, God can forgive me and when He does, I am left with No Evidence of Disease.

The same is true for you! Maybe you are in a place where you feel you have been gone too long, you have strayed too far, you have done too much... You may feel like you can never be healed. I am living proof that God, the Great Physician, can heal all hurts. We only have to ask! When we do, He gladly nicknames us Ned! 

A New Identity

There are moments in life when you know that from this point forward, life will never be the same. Some of my biggest moments included these phrases:

"Will you marry me? "

 "Surprise! You are having twins! "

"We're sorry Mrs Jackson, it is stage 4 Thymoma."

In each of these moments, my life changed and I took on a new identity. My name changed from Miss Masten to Mrs. Jackson.  I became Mommy instead of Anna. I went from healthy to cancer patient. In each instance, life would never the same.

 Last week I had a second surgery to remove more tumors from my chest. The surgery went far better than expected. The tumors had responded well to Power Aide (chemo). The area on my diaghram that had been described as having tumors that made it feel like cobblestones, now had only a thin film across it. Two other tumors we had been watching had been reduced dramatically. The doctor discovered very little scarring from my previous surgery. This greatly reduced complications. The team  was able to do surgery without injury to my lungs or the nerve on my diaghram. I had no nausea that had been so challenging in the first surgery. Where we anticipated spending eight days in the hospital, I was released in four. God overwhelmingly showed His goodness. But questions remained. Did we get it all? Would I need more Power Aide? Would we have to spend 4-6 weeks in Houston this summer for radiation treatment? I celebrated the victories of the week, but left Houston as a cancer patient awaiting pathology reports that would direct our next steps.

Today I received a call. Another life changing moment.  I was told that the tumors were resected,  meaning that they were able to remove all visibly observable cancer. At this time there is no need for further chemo or radiation. I will be monitored for the rest of my life as this type of cancer likes to return, but I am classified as NED- No Evidence of Disease.  I have a new name. A new identity. NED. Life will never be the same.

Some of you have heard me tell of my experience as a piano player. I took piano lessons for many years. Every week I went for my lesson. You would think that with years worth of classes, I would be a fairly good pianist. The problem is that I didn't practice much. In fact, I would pay my sisters to practice for me. We would practice as my mother cooked dinner in the kitchen around the corner. She listened to see if we were playing, but couldn't see who was actually striking the keys.  My sister got richer and I didn't get much better. I "know" how to play the piano. I can read music. I know where the keys are, but I don't REALLY know how to play the piano because I didn't practice what I learned. Head knowledge and application of skill are two different things!

As I have been reflecting on the last six months I have realized that my spiritual life is sometimes like my piano career. I have "known" God my whole life, but this experience has led me to REALLY know God in ways I never fully imagined. I thought I knew what "peace that passes understanding" meant. I realize now that I had no clue. It was not until my chest was cracked, my hair was gone, and I could still find comfort in God that I fully understood that phrase. I thought I trusted God. I have learned now that it was easy to say I trusted Him when life was going my way. I have learned a whole new level of trust since I realized my life depends on it. I now know better what it means to give God control. Before, I liked to believe I had control of my life. Now I know I control nothing except how I respond to life and even that requires a dependance on God. I have had to put into practice what I have "known" all along. As a result, my faith has grown. I have grown. I would never have chosen this path, but God has revealed such amazing things along the way that I can honestly say I don't regret it. I don't want to do it again, but I don't regret it.

Upon receiving my new identity, I sat on my porch and wept as I repeated, "Thank you, Lord, Thank you." I couldn't wait to share the news!  You have prayed with us, cried with us, ministered to us, loved us.  We are so grateful for your role in this miracle. You have faithfully walked around the walls of Jericho and today we saw the walls fall!  Now comes the most important part, making sure that He receives all the glory that is due Him! God is good. He has answered our prayers. Any good that has come from this, comes from Him.  Do you remember me telling you about my survivor bracelet? On the outside it says "Survivor Mark 5:36". That scripture says "Don't be afraid. Just believe."  It was an outward reminder that God could do this. What I didn't tell you was that on the inside I had a secret message, just for me. I had them inscribe Psalm 117:18. That scripture says, "I will not die, but live, and will proclaim what the Lord has done."

God has fulfilled His promises to me. Today I begin to fulfill mine to Him. I will live and I will proclaim what He has done. God has heard our prayers. He has healed me. He has met every need my family has had. He is real. He is powerful. He is faithful. His love is beyond measure. His eyes are on His children. He is able to mend brokenness. He still does miracles!! I know, I am one!!

Love,

Ned

A Cinderella Tale

Remember the story of Cinderella? She was a girl, deeply loved by her father. By all accounts, she was privileged and well cared for until her mother died and her father remarried. Her new step-mother and wicked step-sisters were eaten alive by jealously towards Cinderella. They did everything in their power to put her down and steal what was rightfully hers. Ever known someone who couldn't stand to see things go right for others? They are willing to lie, cheat, even steal, to ruin something they are jealous of. Boy, do I know someone like that.

These past twelve days have been filled with answered prayer, miracles, and kindness.  I have been Cinderella--privileged and cared for. My surgery went better than anyone, especially the doctors, anticipated. My recovery in the hospital was described as phenomenal. I came home earlier than we dreamed. Our needs were met in every way! I have seen the hand of God and experienced His love, but there is a jealous little liar trying to spoil my ball. Like the wicked step-mother, Satan has tried to create doubt, fear, and anxiety to steal the joy, peace, and confidence that I have been given by my Father. He is whispering lies about the size of my problems. He is casting shadows on my future. He seeks to make me worry over my family, my finances, my feelings, my health.  He is so jealous of my Father's love for me that he is willing to do almost anything to make me doubt it, to cast a cloud over my sunshine in order to make me forget the blessings I have received. He wants me to doubt the very love of my Father even though it has been so clearly demonstrated. 

Have you ever wondered what happened to Cinderella's father? I don't remember reading his fate. He is just absent.  Did he die? Leave on business? Go for milk and never come home? Most versions do not say. What we know is that most likely he wasn't present or he wouldn't have allowed his daughter to be mistreated like she was. This is where my story, and yours, is very different from that of Cinderella. Our Father never leaves us, but sometimes we get so distracted by the lies of the wicked one that we forget who our Father is and what He has done. It seems we are especially susceptible to this attack following a close encounter with God. 

That is where I found myself today. I have so much to be grateful for, but the wicked liar distracted me with problems, doubts, and fears. I have to reclaim my heritage. Regardless of what the wicked little liar wishes me to believe, my Father loves me and is just as in control of my life this week as He was last week. He never leaves me and works all things for my good. Just as the wicked step-sisters were unsuccessful in keeping Cinderella from her prince, this wicked liar will be unsuccessful at keeping me from my King. I will not be distracted by the tedious reality of everyday life.  I will dance at this ball! I will live happily ever after-- and that is no fairy tale.