Fearlessly Dependent on the One Who Makes Me Brave

The words whizzed through my mind as though they had been spoken aloud. A sentence I have never heard, a thought I have never had, a statement that I am clinging to-  “Fearlessly dependent on the one who makes me brave”. Fearlessly. Dependent. On the One Who Makes Me Brave.

This week my husband, Rodney, and I have been at MD Anderson. We were here just a few weeks ago and the doctors wanted to follow up on some changes they were seeing on my CT scans. We have traveled back and forth to Houston for five years tracking the progression (and lack thereof) of Stage 4 Thymoma. There have been many ups an downs along the way - suspicious moments, praises for stability, gratefulness for being “unremarkable” on scans. There have been more ups than downs, thankfully. Thymoma, a.k.a. The Nuisance, is just that - a nuisance. It is a cancer that has a tendency to recur. It is known for its slow-growing, indolent (I say insolent) tumors. Much of the journey with The Nuisance includes a watch-and-see approach. Doctors watch to see when and where things are growing and make determinations about when it is necessary to take action. On this particular trip we have learned that action is required.

On Monday I had a PET scan and Tuesday a biopsy on one lymph node of concern. Initially the doctors thought they were seeing just one spot "light up". However, as they studied the scans they discovered there are actually more like three. As I look back through my past reports I can see that at least one of the spots has shown up on my scans since 2013 so it is definitely a slow mover. One of the others appears to have been present as well. It has changed, but slowly. Those two spots are not our concern at the moment. The lymph node that was biopsied is our focus right now  and was positive for The Nuisance on the biopsy. It is between two arteries. It is quite small, but growing. Because of its location it is not surgically removable due to prior surgery scarring. Because of its location and growth, it cannot stay.

As I got ready for my final appointment of the week I felt anything but fearless. That is when the thought passed through my mind. - “Fearlessly dependent on the one who makes me brave.” I can't be fearless right now, but I can be brave. There are times in our lives when frightening circumstances are the reality. You have them. I have them. There are things we cannot overcome, situations we cannot avoid, problems we cannot solve. I have been here many times before. Over and over it has been made abundantly clear to me that I have every reason to fear if left to my own devices and every reason to be brave if I will allow myself to become dependent on the one who does have the ability to overcome.

I remember getting stuck on the roof once when I was a kid (interestingly enough I have done this more than once - some of us are a little slower to learn). I was brave enough to go up, but not brave enough to come down. I couldn’t see where to put my foot and I was so afraid of falling. I couldn’t stay where I was, but I wasn’t brave enough to move. Luckily my dad was there. He helped guide my foot to the perfect position to help me take that big first step. Then he took my hand and helped me take the next one. I trusted that he could see something I could not and I became BRAVE.

I have been that person to my own children. I remember their first rollercoasters. They were scared to death as we waited in line. Their chins would quiver and they would get to the front of the line and want to go back. As they would look over their shoulders they’d see a hundred people behind them and realize they couldn’t go backwards. Forward was the only way through. As parents we knew that if they would just get on the ride they would be okay. We’d encourage them, promise to sit close to them, double and triple check their seatbelts and then ride the ride. There were scary parts, quick turns, big drops, but we knew they’d be okay. Their fear didn’t go away when they stepped on the ride, but they depended on us and in doing so discovered their bravery.  They trusted we could see something they could not. As they road the ride they became BRAVE.

When we faced the first round of The Nuisance I was scared out of my wits, but along the way I found blessings I could not have anticipated. I found just-in-time help every time I thought I couldn’t go on. We found love in the most unexpected places, peace in the most turbulent circumstances, and joy where there should have been only sadness and we trusted in what we couldn’t see and we became BRAVE, not because we were fearless, but because we became fearlessly dependent.

We will be traveling back to Houston. We will go (probably next Monday) for a "simulation" where they will mark the spot and do a CT to get everything lined up. I will then go back the following week to begin radiation (probably proton radiation) on the spot that cannot stay.  I am stuck. I can’t go backwards and I can’t stay where I am. The only way direction is forward. I would be lying if I said I am fearless, but I am fearlessly dependent on the one who makes me brave. I have witnessed his strength. I have seen his provision. I have felt the peace that passes understanding and because of that I can trust that he can see something I cannot see and I will be BRAVE (even if my knees are shaking).

We would love your prayers as we move through the next weeks. Pray for my boys and Rod. Pray for my healing. Pray that God works out all the logistical things that seem really huge right this minute.  And do me another favor. The Nuisance is the thing that I am facing, but you have your own variation of that. You have things that make your knees shake, too. When you can't go backwards and you can't be still, be Fearlessly Dependent on the One Who Makes You Brave.

The (Not So) Great Unknown

"You know the greatest danger facing us is ourselves, an irrational fear of the unknown. But there’s no such thing as the unknown, only things temporarily hidden, temporarily not understood.”— so says, James T. Kirk in a Star Trek movie. While he is a fictional character, 
the statement is thought provoking. I have to say that I have been the victims of my own irrational fear. I don't know about you, but the unknown drives me crazy! I am not comfortable with the things I do not understand. What does the future hold? How will things work out? How can this possibly turn out good? The waiting, the wondering and the not knowing often bring anxiety, fear, and frustration, but I love the thought that the unknown is only temporarily hidden— that someday the thing I do not currently understand will suddenly become abundantly clear. 

This week Rodney and I will travel to MD Anderson to explore the (not so) great unknown.  I am scheduled for scans, bloodwork, a biopsy, and multiple consultations with doctors. We are looking for answers that are currently hidden. As we wait and wonder it is easy to let anxiety creep in. There is a battle of the mind in moments like these. You feel it, too. It may come in the form of uncertainty about your job or what you want to do with your future. Maybe you are unsure about the future of a relationship or a problem you are facing as a family. Some of us have no idea how we're going to make ends meet this month or how we help our kids through problems they are facing. Some are dealing with loss and have absolutely are completely unsure how things will ever be okay again. None of us are exempt from the unknown so the question becomes how do we have faith in moments like these?

I once heard it said that faith and fear both grow from a place of anticipation. We anticipate bad news - it powers our fear. We anticipate loss, rejection, defeat, and pain and the fear-meter climbs.  Fear stems from the anticipation of the terrible happpening. Yet there is another side to the coin; anticipation is also the fuel for faith. Hebrews 11:1 says, "Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see." (YET) Did you see it? Faith is the anticipation that the unknown will become unhidden. And greater yet, there is a promise that it  will  somehow come together to work for our good. How can we trust that? Well, Romans 8:28 says so: "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." It is a promise and time and time again I have seen it played out in my life. The things that I thought I couldn’t survive, the things that seemed completely overwhelming, have all somehow made me better.  So then a choice is to be made — do we focus on the unknown or the soon to be revealed? Do we choose faith or fear? When I ask myself that question it is like the Rocky soundtrack starts playing in the back of my mind and I get fired up. I won’t live my life in fear. 

A sweet friend sent me a text this morning with a quote from Puritan Prayers that read, “Prayers arising from my needs are preparations for future mercies” . I LOVE THAT!!! When struggles arise we can pour out our needs to a God who loves us and ANTICIPATE future mercies. Faith. We can know that while a struggle may exist, the outcome will be for our good. Faith. We may face unknowns, but mercy will show up. Just in time. Faith. 

We are all facing the great unknown, every single one of us. We choose to let the anticipation power our faith or our fear. If we do no make a conscious choice we will make an unconscious one and human nature will choose fear. Don’t settle for that. Fight Fear! Choose Faith! 

Back Float

I love to back float, to lay in a pool of blue water with my eyes closed feeling the warmth of the sun on my face. My arms and legs are relaxed and my breathing is slow and steady as I allow the water to make me weightless. As a lifeguard, I taught others how to back float. I would teach them to lean their heads back, breath deep and steady, and trust the water. I would place my hand lightly under their back for support as I encouraged them. As they relaxed I would gradually move my hand away. They had to make a choice at that moment. They could either continue to trust the water or they could begin to flail around and become afraid. If they remained relaxed and continued to breathe, they could float. The water did all the work. If they began to panic their worst fear would come true and they would sink. To stay afloat one must lean back, breathe, and trust the water.

One summer I was approached by a woman who wanted me to teach her to swim, but first I would have to teach her how to float. She had grown up around the water. She would spend summers at the lake and loved to water ski. Floating and swimming had never been a problem. One particular summer she was water skiing. As the boat approached the shoreline she skied outside the wake intending to glide to the dock. She released the rope. Her speed began to slow, she began to sink, and at that moment she realized that the water around her was writhing with water snakes. Panic took over and she flailed around trying to move to safety. From that moment on she had lost the ability to float. Intense fear of the water overwhelmed her. In reality she was not asking me to teach her to swim. What she really wanted was for me to teach her how to trust. She didn't truly need someone to teach her how to float, but someone to teach her not to fear.

I cannot begin to tell you how many times I have visualized floating in the past week. We went to MD Anderson last week for my check-ups. We followed the usual routine of bloodwork, CT scans and doctor visits. We have done that many times in the past five years. We have celebrated and praised as we have gotten reports of being unremarkable. Overtime, although it is always a little nerve-racking, we have learned to float. As we sat in the doctors office this past week though, the reports were not that clear. There is a spot that appears to be growing and they want to do more tests. I felt myself back in my own version of water with snakes. My body tensed up, my breathing grew unsteady, and I began to flail. You cannot float and flail at the same time. I had a flashback to swimming lessons. How do you float? You lean your head back, breathe deep and steady and trust the water. Let the lessons begin.

Psalm 121:1-8 says, 'I lift up my eyes to the mountains-- where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip-- he who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The LORD watches over you -- the LORD is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. The LORD will keep you from all harm -- he will watch over your life; the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore." Staying afloat requires us to lean our head back and lift our eyes to the only one who can help us. Things are not always easy and life is not always smooth. Sometimes we find ourselves in snake infested water and it is a scary place to be. Sometime memories of prior struggles bring our eyes down to the proverbial water and keep us from looking up to find our help. Looking down will cause us to sink. Lesson one to floating - lean your head back and look up!

Breath is a fundamental element of life. We draw in oxygen and exhale carbon dioxide. It is a process required to live. In times when we feel like we are drowning, we have to remember to breathe. We draw in hope and exhale fear. We breathe in God's word and we exhale our prayers and concerns. We inhale encouragement and force out anxiety.  That can require focus. Have you ever noticed how we tend to hold our breath when we are are afraid and anxious? When we do that blood stops flowing to our brains and we literally become incapacitated. When we are drowning in doubt and fear we do the same thing. We stop drawing in life and can easily become immobilized. So how do we keep breathing? Philippians 4:6-7 says, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your request to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Lesson two to floating- in order to enjoy floating in peace, even in rough waters, we have to breathe out our requests to God and draw in the peace and comfort that only he can provide. 

Lesson three to floating - trust the water. The physics of buoyancy allows water to support the weight of the body. Spiritually speaking trusting the water means that we must have faith in the one who can support the weight of our burdens. I have to be honest, I am not Bill Nye the Science Guy. I am not the best person to teach a science lesson. I do not understand all the physics of the universe, yet I still believe in it. Likewise, I cannot explain everything God does and doesn't do, but I believe in him to sustain me-- because he always does. Proverbs 3:5-6 says, 'Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight." Swimming students do not usually do very well the first time they try to float, but over time they begin to see that the water will not let them down. Trusting God is not always easy, but as we have more opportunities to see his faithfulness we begin know that we can count on him to work things out. Often in swimming lessons, students will be floating and suddenly panic and begin to sink again. When that happens the lifeguard slips their hand back under their back to support them until they are able to relax again. God does that, too. Isaiah 41:10 says, "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

In a week we will return to Houston. As of right now I will have more scans, a biopsy, and appointments with several doctors. I am in water that is so deep that my feet cannot touch the bottom and I have a history of being in snake infested water. There are definite moments when I feel that anxiety slithering up beside me. I have to make a choice to believe the snakes or believe the lifeguard. Maybe you are in deep water right now, too. Let's lean our heads back, keep breathing, and trust the water!