Be Like Toby

You do not have to know me for two minutes before you know that I am a sunshine girl. All. Day. Long. I seriously mourn the shortening of days, desperately dread dark seasons, and anxiously await the warmth of the sun on my skin. It is amazing to me how closely my life force seems to be tied to that warm light. It may be a little crazy, but it is medicinal for me. If you were to scroll through my phone you would see pictures of sunrises and sunsets, of sun pouring through trees and lighting up fields of sunflowers. It delights me.  My Mimi always said no matter how bad you feel you need to get outside and get some sunshine every day. Maybe she is the source of my genetic predisposition. I love the light! (P.S. It is 86 days until the time changes back. WOOT WOOT!!!!)

I suppose that in some ways we all share that trait -- a desire for warm, bright days. We love the days where the bills are paid, the family is well, the job is going smoothly, all is right in the world. There are no clouds in our proverbial sky, no storms on the horizon of life, and we want those days to be n-i-i-i-i-i-i-c-c-e-e-e- and l-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-n-n-n-n-n-g-g-g-g-g like a warm summer day. BUT, just like that time change that I hate so much, life is filled with seasons of darkness-- you know, like 2020?!?! The bills aren't paid and you have no idea how they will be. The kids are quarantined for the third time and the cabin fever is strong. Work is, well, let's just say that the Tilt-a-Whirl at Joyland doesn't shake you up NEARLY as much as trying to function in a COVID world. You miss your family. You miss your friends, and for goodness sake, you miss your favorite Mexican Food Restaurant!!! It is dark. It is depressing. And it seems - like it -will last -FOREVER!!! We just want that light back. 

I have to admit I have been wrestling some darkness this week. Lately, it seems like it rains the whole time we are at MD Anderson in Houston making us have to stay indoors. As small as this seems it has a big impact on my coping mechanisms. The news we have been getting has been heavy, too. It feels very dark. The path ahead seems like a poorly lit, seldom traveled path in a heavily wooded forest inhabited by wolves. I can't see ahead, I can't get my bearings, and I have felt a little lost. I hate these moments when I don't have clarity. Ugh.

Today I asked you guys to pray for me and some telehealth appointments. In my last two visits with the surgeon, he has given the strong impression that surgery isn't a great option right now which leaves us with chemo or a trial. I have felt a little trapped and cornered in a dark, dark room. As I joined the call today I noticed that I had a message in my MD Anderson chart. My appointment had changed from the surgeon to his nurse practitioner. Disappointment. Dark. As she joined the call she explained that my doctor's mother had fallen and he had to leave quickly, but that they had reviewed my case this morning and she could share what he was thinking. She began to say that he believes that the progression means we need to consider resection. Wait, what? I thought that wasn't an option?! She shared that there actually may be several options there. I felt it-- a little bit of warmth. She began to describe them to me. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a glimmer of light begin to flicker and a little hope begin to bubble. To make a long story short he will be taking my case to the multi-disciplinary board in January. They will talk through the options to determine the best approach. All of the sudden my heart lifted and it was like the sun began to rise a little just revealing a new turn in the path. And that, my dear friends, is the way life works. Just about the time that you think it can't get much darker a light breaks through from an unexpected place. You just have to have your eyes open to see it!

I know that some of you are sitting right there in a dark corner. Your own version of the nuisance has you feeling trapped. Open your eyes and wait with expectation. The time will change again. The light will break through the clouds. The darkness doesn't last forever (it just feels like it). 

As for me? There are lots of unknowns ahead and I still can't see that stinking path, but I do feel a little light breaking through. I was sharing with my friend Beth how I was feeling about that and she sent me this picture of her dog Toby. 

She said, "He searches for any sliver of light. Darkness all around and he rests in the light." 

What a perfect picture of how we should live. The Bible says, "The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it." John 1:5  Sometimes we feel like the darkness is totally winning, but it CANNOT overcome the light. And that light is Jesus. John 8:12 says, "Again Jesus spoke to them, saying, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”  Okay, I am following!

So here is my plan. I am going to continue to pray for clarity to know each step I should take (if I cross your mind will you pray that for me, too?)  I am going to keep my eyes wide open so I don't miss the light. I am going to be like Toby and find that warm bright spot in the darkness and then I am going to rest in it. Care to join me? I'll scoot over for you!

Love ya! Mean it!💗

The Black Dot

I recently read a story of an unusual test given by a professor. It went a little something like this.  One day, a professor entered his classroom and asked his students to prepare for a surprise test. They all waited anxiously at their desks for the exam to begin.

The professor handed out the exams with the text facing down, as usual. Once he handed them all out, he asked the students to turn over the papers.

To everyone’s surprise, there were no questions–just a black dot in the center of the paper. The professor, seeing the expression on everyone’s faces, told them the following: “I want you to write about what you see there.” The students, confused, got started on the inexplicable task.

At the end of the class, the professor took all the exams and started reading each one of them out loud in front of all the students.

All of them, with no exception, defined the black dot, trying to explain its position in the center of the sheet. After all the tests had been read, the classroom silent,  the professor began to explain:

“I’m not going to grade you on this, I just wanted to give you something to think about. No one wrote about the white part of the paper. Everyone focused on the black dot – and the same thing happens in our lives. However, we insist on focusing only on the black dot – the health issues that bother us, the lack of money, the complicated relationship with a family member, the disappointment with a friend. The dark spots are very small when compared to everything we have in our lives, but they are the ones that pollute our minds. Take your eyes away from the black dots in your lives. Enjoy each one of your blessings, each moment that life gives you. Be happy and live a life filled with love!”

As I read that tale I recognized the truth of it. It truly does seem to be in our nature to focus on the "black dots" in our lives and miss the blessings all around us. Do you do it, too? I have a running list in my mind of my failures, my shortcomings, my mistakes, and my problems. If I am not careful they can steal my joy.

This week we went to MD Anderson to check on The Nuisance. Because of COVID that trip carries a little more anxiety these days. Rodney is not allowed to enter the hospital with me so I go through the tests, the scans, and the appointments alone. A mind can run away pretty quickly when alone. Yesterday I sat quietly waiting to hear the results of my scans. Once the report was handed to me my mind QUICKLY landed on the words recurrence, mass, increased, malignancy. My pulse quickened, my breathing stopped, my world quivered. I listened as they rattled the options. Things I have heard too many times before. Surgery, chemo, trials... none of which carry guarantees. The room turned into one giant black dot. I listened. I gathered my things. I walked out alone. 

It takes some time for my head and my heart to work things through, but gradually I collect my thoughts and find my center. In those moments I am reminded of a story from my earlier days with the Nuisance about boxing gloves. I am taken to the mat, but I am not alone. Slowly I find my way to my knees, then my feet, then I pull myself up to continue the fight. When I reread the scan today I noticed other words around the black dot. Stable. No new. Slight. Yesterday my mind could only see the black dot. Today I realize that isn't all there is to the story. It is true that I have some recurrences of malignancies. It is true that there is growth. It is true there is cause for concern. There are black dots to be sure. But there are also some spots that are stable. There are no new places noted. There are some things to be grateful for even on a "bad" report. And for that I am grateful. 

Each day you and I are taking a test. A test of perspective. A test of will. A test that will determine the amount of peace, hope, and joy that we will, or will not, experience in our lives. What will we focus on?

Today I was in a sinking spell. The black dot was blocking out my vision so I did what I have learned to do. I opened my bible to marked passages that get my thoughts back on track. I read 2 Corinthians 1:8-11  We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired of life itself.  Indeed, we felt we had received the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead.  He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us again. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many.

I was reminded how many times in the past eight years I have felt I couldn't withstand the weight of The Nuisance. So many times I have felt the sentence of death. But I am reminded that all of this has taught me to be fully dependent on the ONE who makes me brave. My doctors cannot save me. I cannot save me. My family and friends cannot save me, but my GOD? He HAS saved me. Over and over. He has done it before and he can do it again. He has delivered me and YOUR PRAYERS have played a part in that. Your prayers help me see the white paper and not focus on the black dots. You and I can give thanks because God always answers our prayers -- even when we may think he hasn't.

I have a literal black dot on my chest. It was tattooed there when I received radiation treatments to make sure the machine was hitting the right spot. It sits beside a scar that runs from my collarbone to below my diaphragm. That black dot can serve as a reminder of the battle or as a reminder of the victory. I choose to see the victory. I choose to see the blessings of provision, of love, of prayer, of healing.

I have been handed a test. It is a piece of white paper with a black dot on it. I will pass this test. I will spend more time writing about the white than the black dot. How about you? Grab your proverbial pen and write about the white space! The black dot is tiny in comparison!

The Greased Up Slip-and-Slide in Six Inch Heels

 I have a cruel confession. I have this really bad character flaw. I am sorry if you have ever fallen victim to it, but I just can't seem to help myself. When I see someone fall, I just cannot control myself. I find it to be one of the funniest things in the world. Now I am not talking about spiritual falls or failures or anything like that. I am not heartless.  I am talking about the good ole fashion, can't get your feet back under yourself, you might just pull something kind of falls. I know I am not alone-- after all, Funniest Home Videos had a million seasons packed with falls that we all busted a stitch over. 

Slipping is possibly one of my favorite genres of falls. A good slip can seem to last forever and certainly pulls in all of the body as one flails desperately trying to recover. It makes me snicker just to think about it. 

This morning I was reading scripture about that very thing. Psalm 94:18 says, "When I said, "My foot is slipping, your unfailing love, Lord, supported me." As a student of falling, a mental picture came to my mind. I imagined how it looks when someone is learning to skate. Legs are going every direction, arms are swinging wildly, but if you are lucky you have someone who is firm on their feet to help keep you steady. I began to think about times in my life when I have mentally, emotionally, or spiritually felt like I was slipping. In times like these, it is natural to seek something firm to hold onto. Something that can help us regain our balance. And God, in His unfailing love, is happy to support us. Our perspective can seem that a fall is imminent and in those times we long for strong and steady support.

The idea of slipping caught my attention and I began to look for other verses that address that concept.  I soon found one that painted a different perspective. Psalm 121:3 says, "He will not let your foot slip-- he who watches over you will not slumber." In the first verse, the author calls out he is slipping and then the Lord supported him. In the second we are told that God does not let our foot slip to begin with--- that he is constantly watching over us-- to the point of never sleeping, never taking his eyes off us. I don't think these verses contradict each other regarding God. I think they point out differences in our vantage point and God's.

There are times in life that I feel I am slipping completely out of control. I am desperately trying to regain my balance and find something to save me then I call to God for support. But from God's point of view, he has me firmly in his hand all along. Like a Father supporting a child, he begins to catch me before I even know I am slipping. From my viewpoint, I am certain I am going to bust it. From his, He is certain I will not. He has me. He never takes his eyes off me. Remember how out of control it felt when we learned to skate? Legs going in every direction, bodies pitching back and forth, hearts racing as we anticipated the fall--- but our parents were steadily holding us up. That is just what God does.

I love the thought of that. I am grateful that when I feel I am slipping that he supports me, but I am even more grateful to think of the fact that he is preparing to support me before the ground beneath me even begins to become slick. How cool is that?!

The past month (okay, maybe six) I feel like I have been on one long and slippery slope. I have become exhausted from  thrashing around trying to recover my balance. At times I have felt like I was skidding across a greased up slip-and-slide in six inch heels just looking for something to grab onto. What a relief to be reminded that He will not let me fall!

Just Say Thank You

Do you ever have those weeks when the weight of our last five months of craziness seems to suddenly become overwhelmingly heavy? You think you have been managing, balancing, and dealing with it all so well, and then suddenly, you realize you aren't sleeping well, your heart is beating a little faster than usual, your energy seems zapped, and your mind cannot seem to be still --ever. Your stress, the stress of those around you, and the lack of an end in sight have suddenly gone from 211 degrees to 212. Boiling. Who am I kidding? We have ALL felt it. It is the current human condition.

It has been that way for me this week. We lost my sweet uncle this week, and we were unable to have the traditional healing gatherings to love one another through. While we know his future and his security, we couldn't deal with our own emotions in the usual ways. That felt very heavy. Sometimes it hasn't been my own breaking under stress but the breaking of those around me that was heavy- their frustration, their hurt, their pain, their anxiety spilling over. That felt very heavy. My prayer list of those around me seems to be growing longer by the day with the trials of people I love. That makes my heart feel heavy. And then there is the Nuisance- always just kind of slinking around in the background looking for weak moments of opportunity to remind me it exists. That can feel very heavy.

I found myself in a negative loop. Running through the burdens of the day. Replaying conversations in a way that wasn't helpful. Beating myself up for things that didn't go as I wished. Worrying about things lying ahead. 3:00 each morning seemed to be an alarm clock for the doubt, the worry, the frustration, the regret, and the sorrow. And then as I lay there eyes-wide-open, stuck in the replay of gloom, a phrase popped up in my head. Just Say Thank You. So I did. I said thank you for my family. Thank you for my uncle. Thank you for my memories. Thank you for my husband and children. Thank you for my job. Thank you for my co-workers. Thank you for the kind person in the hall. Thank you for laughter. Thank you for my boss. Thank you for prayer. Thank you for that text. Thank you for grace. Thank you for forgiveness. Thank you for...and I drifted off to sleep.

The next day the worry returned. Just say thank you. So I did. Thank you for sunshine. Thank you for dragonflies. Thank you for my pond and fish. Thank you for technology that has made the impossible possible. Thank you for health. Thank you for my friends. Thank you for my church. Thank you for leaders who are having to carry so much. Thank you for that answered prayer... and the worry disappeared.

I have been playing that game for a few days now. I have gotten down to some pretty simple things to be thankful for- the weight of the blanket on my bed, the feel of the grass on my feet, the warmth of the coffee in my cup, the soreness in my legs from being able to work out. When a negative thought pops up, I am replacing it with thanks. 

You see, we cannot control what life gives out. The loss, the struggles, the unknowns, the unfairness, but we can choose how we will receive it. Our human nature is to perseverate on the negative, but the beauty of our minds is the freedom of choice to not remain there. I am sad for the loss of my uncle. Thank you for the memories and the love we shared. Thank you for the gift of salvation. I am worried about the future of my health. Thank you that today I feel so strong. Emotions are really high in the world. Thank you for all of the kind and encouraging ones. I am worried for the burdens of people I care about. Thank you for hope and prayer. 

As I was writing this I suddenly had a memory from childhood. Before going places my mom would always run down the checklist of manners. One of her reminders would often be about being offered food we didn't like. Her advice was, "Just say thank you". Just because it was on our plate didn't mean we had to eat it, but the attitude of gratefulness would make the experience better for everyone. Pretty good advice there, Mama! So this week if things get put on your plate that you do not like, join me in remembering the advice of our moms. You don't have to swallow it. Just say thank you! When you find your gratitude you will find your joy!

Work that Core!

Like so many others during COVID-19 I spent the first few weeks eating all the good stuff. Having the boys back home from college brought out the motherly need to cook all the good things-- and I mean the GOOD things (with extra cheese please)! The boys dodged the Freshmen-15 only for me to hit us with the COVID-19! It was a good run, but something had to change! I started to realize COVID-19 wasn't going to be a sprint but a marathon so I better stop cooking like it was one big holiday. Back to clean food and exercise for me! Now if you're thinking, see ya later Anna, I didn't know this was going to be a blog about diet and exercise, don't bail on me yet! There is something here for you, I promise!

I begin pressing play on my workout videos to help offset the bulge! As a part of any exercise program, you spend a large amount of time working on your core. Balance is about your core. Strength is about your core. Speed is about your core. Flexibility is about your core. Endurance is about your core. Everything is improved when you strengthen your core. Yet when we ignore our core we quickly lose that inner strength that impacts so many areas.

Most of you probably know that this week I didn't get the reports I was wanting at my check-up at MD Anderson. The Nuisance (aka cancer) is continuing to grow so we are deciding what our next steps are. Weighing Risk and Reward as we decide when to do treatment and when to hold steady. Dealing with a challenge like this (or like a rocky marriage, an unstable financial situation, COVID, crazy kiddos, etc., etc., etc.) requires a lot of strength. It throws off balance. It requires you to be more flexible to adjust to life. Sometimes you have to act with speed and sometimes you have to act with endurance. And do you know what you need to be able to do all those things? Yep, a strong core. 

If I have learned one thing in life it is that successful navigation is contingent not upon my personal strength (I don't have enough), but on the strength of my core. Without that solid foundation, the slightest hiccup in life can throw a person off-balance and rob them of their endurance, but with it, there is flexibility and speed to react and overcome. Sometimes people ask me how I am so strong. Let me be clear I AM NOT! But my core is. Having a foundation built on Christ is what helps me navigate. He is the source of my balance, my strength, my flexibility, and my endurance. 

Matthew 7:24-27 says this, "24 “Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. 25 The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. 26 But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. 27 The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.”

When we have a strong core, a firm foundation, we have the ability to weather the storms of life-- my storm, your storm, big storms, little storms. So how do we build this strong core? Good news - no sit-ups or planks required!!!! A strong core is built by developing a relationship with God. For me, that is through reading my bible, memorizing scriptures, praying, and worshiping him through song. Sometimes this is in a formal way like going to church or having a quiet time, but to be honest my best "workouts" happen as I am going about my day. I see a facebook post and say a quick prayer, I listen to worship music on my walks, I say a verse in my mind to the rhythm of my walking. Building a core isn't hard, it just requires taking action. It requires that you shift your focus from the distractions and problems to the one who can manage them.

Friend, I don't know what trials you are facing. I don't know the size of the problem, the depth of the pain, the length of the struggle. But I do know what it is to have them. Boy, do I know! I know fear, I know doubt, I know worry. They are so familiar to me. They are the enemy to balance, strength, flexibility, and endurance. But we have been given the weapon to overcome them. Focusing our attention on them makes them stronger. We have to build our core. So let me be your trainer today. Let me help you build your workout plan. Today fill your mind with music that helps you worship (If you have Amazon music I will link a playlist I have  been building  below that you might enjoy.) Replace your worry with prayer. Tell God your fears and worries. He is big enough to handle them! Open your bible and read a little. If you don't know a place to start I love Psalm 91. If you want a practical book to study I adore James. 

I wish I could tell you I know how to make our problems go away. I don't. I do know however that a strong core will give us the foundation we need to get through it! Back in the 80's my sisters and I would do the 20-Minute workout on TV. They would call out, "I know you're tough, I know you're strong, come on, come on, come on, come on." We would make fun of that, but it is funny how often it will run through my mind when life is tough. So let's throw on some leg warmers and set our minds to building that strong core! " I know you're tough, I know you're strong, come on, come on, come on, come on."

Anna's Playlist

The Storyteller

One of my favorite childhood memories is of days spent on my uncle’s ranch in Gail, Texas. My grandparents, aunts and uncles, and cousins would spend the day exploring, hunting arrowheads, and fishing. As the sun began to set on that red clay piece of land we would head back up to the old ranch house. The rustic old house had no electricity or running water and there was something about that that could transport me back in time. While the adults made themselves busy packing up for the day, we kids would gather on the floor around a chair for storytime. With a lantern lit and reflecting dramatically on the face of the storyteller we would lean in to hear the tale. Most often one of my aunts or older cousins would be the storyteller and usually, the story was spooky. The darker it got outside the spookier the stories became. As the tale reached the climax, you could feel yourself tensing up. I would tell myself that this time I wasn’t going to jump and scream. After all, I could anticipate it coming and I was becoming a big kid. No more jumping for big kids. The storyteller would drop their volume causing us to have to lean forward to hear. They would slooowwww down their paaaaacceee, and begin...to speak...in a whisper soooooooooo soft that you …..could hardly…..HEAR IT!!!!! That is when they got you! That little yell right at the end. We would all jump and fall into a fit of laughter acting like we weren’t REALLY scared, (okay, maybe just a little).

For seven years I have been dealing with The Nuisance. Each time I sit waiting for my reports I am just like that kid again. I can anticipate what is coming. I am a “big kid” at this now. No more jumping for “big kids”.  Whatever is coming I won’t be afraid. The room gets deathly quiet as I listen for the footsteps of the doctor coming down the hall. As he comes in I lean forward in my chair. I tell myself that I won’t be caught off guard. I won’t “jump”. This time was especially strange. Because of COVID I had to go in by myself. Everything seems scarier when you are alone. Trying to hear, not be afraid, ask the right questions, and keep it together required a whole new level of focus as I braced myself, determined “not to jump”. I know who has me so I don’t have to be afraid. The doctor begins to tell the story… “We have the reports from your scans…(suspense builds. Don’t jump, Anna, don’t jump) unfortunately,  (I don’t think there was a dramatic pause there, but it sure felt like it) things are continuing to progress. And just like every other time I jumped. He began to run through the options which are a trial with immunotherapy which will require me to go to Houston every three weeks for treatment or I can do chemo. Surgery and radiation are not on the table right now since the spots are not all in the same location.  I don’t have to decide today, he tells me. Talk it over with your family and let us know. Logic says I knew that was coming and yet it still gets me every single time. I jumped.

The day or so after one of these visits there is a lot of wrestling that goes on in my mind. Trying to process, trying to problem solve, trying to predict is messy business. I hate that part, but every time it happens God gives me a gift that helps me work it through. This time the storyteller was my gift. You know the cool thing about being a storyteller is that you get to decide how to tell the story. When I was a kid whoever was sitting in the chair got to pick the topic and the story, but they weren’t the only ones with choice. There was also a choice about whether to listen or not. No one said we HAD to sit and listen. We chose that. 

In life, we have to be careful about the stories we are listening to. I think that is super evident in the world we are living with right now. We are being tossed about by all kinds of storytellers, but who is speaking the truth? Who is speaking from a place of wisdom? Who should we be listening to?  We have to have so much discernment to sit at the feet of the right storyteller. As I wrestle more with the news I received this week I have a choice. I can listen to the storyteller who says The Nuisance is growing and proceeds to tell me all the scary things associated with that or I can listen to the storyteller who acknowledges that The Nuisance is growing but goes on to add that it is still slow (PRAISE GOD) it is not pressing on an organ (PRAISE GOD) I can postpone treatment a little longer (PRAISE GOD). Why in the world would I stay locked in on the storyteller of fear when I can listen to the storyteller of  PRAISE?! And just like that, I am released from the fear that tries to grab me. In a bible study a few weeks ago our teacher said,  “Praise powers perspective.” I find that to be so wise and so true. As soon as we shift our ears to the storyteller of praise our whole perspective on a situation can begin to change. 

So here I sit at a crossroads of decision. One that I have been sitting at for the past year and a half. I feel so good right now and the boogers are not pressing on any organs to cause immediate danger. It is hard to think of sacrificing all of that. I am in the strangest place of measuring risk against reward. Chemo and immunotherapy can trigger a whole new series of problems and one lesson I have learned is that there are some things worse than cancer. So I am pondering. I am praying for wisdom. Sometimes being still is the wisest choice. As I sit in the stillness I will choose to listen to the storyteller of praise. I will listen to the true author of my story and the one who knows both the beginning and the end. God has never failed me. He will not start now!

You have storytellers jockeying for your attention as well. They are trying to get you to lean in and listen. Some are selling fear, some are selling anxiety, some are selling flat out lies. Choose your storyteller wisely. They may hold the seat but they do not have to hold your attention. When you are overwhelmed by fear and anxiety let the storyteller of PRAISE change your focus. Remember the ONE true story.

As I shift the narrative of my story from one of fear to praise, I am thankful for you! I am thankful for your encouragement and prayer. I am thankful to God who has been so faithful in my past allowing me to know he will continue to be faithful in my future. I am thankful for my family, my friends, my church, and my coworkers who love me through hard times. I cannot do this alone. Thank you for helping me rewrite my story!

A Disobedient Mind and a Pony

Do you ever decide to do something only to find that your mind will not cooperate? It goes something like this:

You:  "I am going to work out everyday this week!" 
Mind: "Um, you know there is a new season of your show on Netflix, right? I don't think so." 

You: "I am going to eat healthy." 
Mind: "After this Oreo (package), perhaps." 

You: "I am going to clean out my closet today."
Mind: "You might be able to fit into those jeans from high school someday. Better slow your roll."

You: "I am going to stick to my budget this month."
Mind: "SALE!!!!!"

You: "I am going to choose Joy." 
Mind: "Actually, I'd like to remind you of 12,000 reasons that you absolutely will not!"

Sound familiar to you? I feel ya! My mind and I have been having a little bit of a discipline issue this week and like a stubborn 2 year old, it just has not wanted to submit to authority! 

This week we went back to MD Anderson to check on the Nuisance (aka cancer). We did the usual blood work, scans, and doctors. We have been through this many times over the past seven (hard to believe) years. The reports were a mixed bag. There was some growth noted on the spots we have been watching. Not what I wanted to hear. The good news is the spots are not compromising my health right now and we are going to continue our watch and see approach.  But here is how my mind game has gone this week:

Me: "Not exactly what I hoped for, but I am SOOO grateful that we get to coast a little longer and that the growth is slow!"
Mind: "But didn't you hear, it GREW?!"

Me: "But it grew slow and I feel GREAT. That is something to be thankful for!"
Mind: "Listen, it GREW. It is PROGRESSING. You may have avoided treatment for now, but you know that won't last forever, right?"

Me: "Maybe you're right. (anxiety creeps up) Maybe I should be worried about that.(sighs deeply, swallows hard)  Here, will you hold my joy while I worry about that awhile?"
Mind: "Of course I will. I am here for you. A person in your position doesn't really have time for joy anyway."

That has been the last few days in my head and it makes me so mad! I have been shown over and over and over in the past seven years that there is always something to be grateful for.There is always hope. There is joy if you seek it.  I know that things can be okay even if things are not all right.  And yet I always get knocked down for a bit after I get bad news. My mind is disobedient. And that infuriates me!

I read some brain research this week that the brain perceives negative stimuli faster and with more intensity that positive stimuli. In fact, the research shows that positive experiences are harder for us to spot. In tests they have noted that the brain picks up on negative stimuli within 1/10th of a second. However, positive experiences must be focused on for 12 seconds longer before we retain it in our memory. That shows that our human nature is to pick up on the negativity around us. We have to work to overcome that bias. We are wired to perceive threats and respond quickly. Sometimes that tendency defeats our pursuit of happiness. There is a verse that I have come to understand in a whole new way in the past years. 2 Corinthians 10:5 says, "We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." Our human nature sometimes argues against what we know to be true about the character of God. I know him to be a provider, a healer, and a sustainer. Yet my nature argues and struggles against that when I am threatened. In those moments I have to fight all the harder to make my thoughts obedient to what I know to be true. 

You and I are in a constant battle for our minds. Whether we are trying to change a habit, change a behavior, or change an emotion, sometimes we are having to fight our own selves. It is possibly the most important battle we will ever fight. We have a choice in EVERY circumstance about how we will respond and how we will view the world around us. In a world that can seem especially dark right now this is an important skill to acquire. It is okay to take a hit and experience some pain and sorrow, but if we want to have a quality life we can't sit there long. We have to SEEK THE GOOD even in the bad. It reminds me of a story I heard this week of twin brothers. One was an eternal optimist, the other an eternal pessimist. Their father sought to balance them out. He took the eternal pessimist into a room filled with the best and shiniest toys. The brother immediately began to cry. The father was surprised by the reaction when the boy began to whine, "They will probably all break or get lost." He walked his optimistic son to the next room which was filled with manure. The stench almost knocked them over when they opened the door. To his shock the optimistic son jumped into the manure and started digging. The father cried, "What are you DOING?!" to which the happy boy replied, "There MUST be a pony in here SOMEWHERE!"

We, my friends, have choices. In the best of times we can choose to focus on the negative and lose our joy and in the worst of times we can focus on the positive and find it. It is a matter of controlling our disobedient minds. I want to challenge you to set your intentions on holding your thoughts captive and seeking the positive around you. Take charge of your internal dialogue and remember all the blessings of the past. In all things there is something good if we seek it. Look for the ponies!

Backstage Blessings

Today I had the pleasure of listening to an assembly by a man named Alex Sheen called “Because I Said I Would” (https://becauseisaidiwould.org/). It was a lesson on being a person of your word and of character -- something greatly needed in our world these days. Alex’s story, and ultimately his movement,  was sparked by the loss of his father to Stage 4 cancer. I am not going to lie. When I listened to him tell of the impact of that loss I could feel the fear and panic creep up my soul. I stepped behind a column to try to gain my composure but it was a lost cause. I left the auditorium and slipped to the quiet dark of the backstage area and repeated a process that has served me well in the past six years. I ran to words to calm my soul.

“Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.”

Surely he will save you

    from the fowler’s snare

    and from the deadly pestilence.

He will cover you with his feathers,

    and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

You will not fear the terror of night,

    nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,

    nor the plague that destroys at midday.

A thousand may fall at your side,

    ten thousand at your right hand,

    but it will not come near you.

You will only observe with your eyes

    and see the punishment of the wicked.

If you say, “The Lord is my refuge,”

    and you make the Most High your dwelling, no harm will overtake you,

    no disaster will come near your tent.

For he will command his angels concerning you

    to guard you in all your ways;

they will lift you up in their hands,

    so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.

You will tread on the lion and the cobra;

    you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

“Because he loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him;

    I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.

He will call on me, and I will answer him;

    I will be with him in trouble,

    I will deliver him and honor him.

With long life I will satisfy him

    and show him my salvation.”

I was reminded of all the times He has hidden me in the feathers of his wings. I recalled the times He has calmed my terrors and quieted my soul. I began counting the times He has rescued me from the impossible. Gradually the fear began to subside. Sometimes the calming of the fear and anxiety is abrupt and stops sharply. Other times the process reminds me of the wave pool at water parks. The water doesn’t stop rocking just because someone flipped a switch. The waves can continue to come for a few moments after the calming begins. I was experiencing that today. I would start to feel the fear reside and another wave would follow. What if??? What IF?! WHAT IF?!?!?!!!

Just when I felt like I was going back under a reminder popped up on my phone. I glanced down to see, the verse...

“I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” Psalm 91:2. A verse from the very scripture I had run to.

It was as if God said, “Okay, Anna. I guess you didn’t hear me so I will repeat it for you slowly. Chill out! I am your refuge. I’ve got this! Trust me.”

And just like that the wave pool went still.

I don’t know what your fears and anxieties are. But God does. And he cares enough to repeat himself when you are scared and worried. Just like he met me in the darkness of backstage he is happy to meet you! And if you need him to tell you more than once? Well, He loves you so much he will gladly do so!

PS I HAD TO COME BACK AND ADD THIS! As I was closing down for the night I thought I would look at the verse one more time. I went to my bible app to read it. Below is a screenshot of the verse of the day. It is not the verse that popped up on my phone at 9:12 this morning. I cannot find that one on here anywhere. I would say I don't know how that could happen, but I guess that isn't true. He can do all things!

P.S.S.-- I had to add more! My sister texted me this morning to point out that the screenshot I posted of Psalm 91:2 popping up on my phone was taken at 9:12. Yet another reminder that God sees me. He is intentional in his timing and in His reminders of His love. 9:12, Psalm 91:2, "I see you, Anna. I know how you feel right this minute. I know just the words you need. It is 9:12 and I want you to know I am your refuge. I told you so in Psalm 91:2. Read it again.  P.S.- I love you."

Exhale

“You’re holding your breath. Breathe. You have been here before and each time God has given just what you need. Just when you need it. Breathe. Smile. Breathe. You will be okay. No matter what.”

And so go my thoughts as I sit in waiting room after waiting room. Waiting on tests, waiting on doctors, waiting on answers.  Sometimes I will find myself almost lightheaded and will realize I have been holding my breath. Not sure why I do that. Not sure what it accomplishes, but it seems to be almost reflexive.

As the doctors and nurses come in I am reading their faces, reading their body language, looking for any clue as to whether the news they bring is good or bad. And then they begin to speak— and I hold my breath. The next words they say have huge weight for me, for those I love, for those who love me.

“You’re holding your breath. Breathe. You have been here before and each time God has given just what you need. Just when you need it. Breathe. Smile. Breathe. You will be okay. No matter what.”

“Well, Mrs. Jackson, we have your reports—- it looks like the spots are stable.” And I EXHALE! Then sings my soul, my Savior God to thee, How great thou art!!!!!” I can breathe without needing internal dialogue!! The air, the fear, the hope, and the worry all come spilling out and I inhale the grace and the joy of the moment! How refreshing to my lungs!

Here are the Cliff’s Notes version of our week:
The thymoma spots look much like they did three months ago. That is fantastic news!We will keep moving forward with a watch-and-see approach which brings me great joy! My doctor wants me to visit again with my surgeon just to make sure that we would not be missing a window of opportunity if we delay treatment, but from an oncology perspective, he is comfortable waiting. He wants me to be very clear on the viability (or not) of surgery and the health problems it might create including loss of lung tissue, breathing capacity, etc.

They reviewed the genetic study with me (although I am now realizing I did not ask enough questions!) One of the genetic tests was designed to measure the favorability of response to immunotherapy. It showed a  90% response rate. Super high. The doctor listened to my concerns about that triggering autoimmune diseases that are often associated with thymoma. He felt that risk was fairly low but did share concerns about other health issues it could cause. immunotherapy can trigger any “-itis” encephalitis, pancreatitis, colitis, nephritis— pretty much everything but gingivitis! Lol!

A study they did on my last biopsy shows that the thymoma sample is not secreting parathyroid hormone (PTH) which is running high. That confirms there is an Adenoma (non-cancerous tumor) one the parathyroid glands causing primary hyperparathyroidism. This has led to 5% bone loss in my left arm over two years and a kidney stone. It will continue to cause problems in those areas until treated. Surgery is required for that but they are also good with me waiting if I prefer. I am weighing the pros and cons. And breathing.

When I was a kid we would often throw objects into the deep end of the swimming pool and have contests to see who could swim down and retrieve them. There were times I would get to the bottom, grab the item, and turn to swim back to the surface and start to panic, feeling like I was running out of air. I would kick extra hard and just when I thought I couldn’t hold it for one more second, I would break through the surface, my fist in the air and as I exhaled I called out, “I got it!!!” That is how I feel right now. It has been a time of diving deep, searching for answers and a little more time before the next big step. I have panicked at times feeling like my chest would burst, but today I broke the surface with my fist in the air, exhaling and thinking , “I got it!!”

I am so grateful to God my Father who extends me grace I do not deserve and could never earn. I am grateful for my family and friends who intercede on my behalf and love me through it all! I am grateful for the gift of time! And I am so grateful to EXHALE!!!


Give thanks to the LORD and proclaim his greatness. Let the whole world know what he has done. Sing to him; yes, sing his praises. Tell everyone about his miracles. 1 Chronicles 16:8-9

The Gambler

The Gambler - Kenny Rogers

If you have been around me much then you are probably aware that I have a soundtrack playing in my mind at almost any moment of my life. The songs may be prompted by the rhythm of my steps, the task I am completing, or a key phrase that you probably don't even realize you said. My poor office mates have grown semi-accustomed to my melodious outbreaks throughout the day. They just shake their heads and roll their eyes.

Recently the lyrics that have been on a continuous loop in my mind are "You gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, know when to run"  (Thank you, Kenny Rogers). I hope it doesn't sound sacrilegious to say that it has become somewhat of constant prayer in my mind. I am praying that I know when to be still, that I know when to let go of things, that I am wise enough to know when to walk away from something and sharp enough to know when to run!

When we found out in January that The Nuisance was back I had one goal --- to enjoy the boy's senior year and graduation. I was eager to postpone treatment while we ran a genetic study.  When MD Anderson called and said, "Mrs. Jackson, we noticed you have postponed some appointments and just wanted to see if there was a reason" I replied, "Yes, ma'am, two of them! Their names are Sawyer and Spencer."  It bought me the time I needed to soak in every moment of this special time in their lives. It has been a gift that I cherish, but it doesn't mean that I haven't fallen into a rabbit hole of fear a time or two along the way.

Having a rare cancer means that I have a greater responsibility to do some of my own research. It has saved my life multiple times -- literally, but it is also a very slippery slope. It is EXTREMELY easy to get focused on the nuisance and on trying to fix things myself. Shifting focus to the research can easily move my mind from God and fear will POUNCE! Like a beast! It will make me stand in Walmart thinking that I might scream. It will rob me of sleep. It will make it hard to breathe and feel like a huge weight upon my chest. It will isolate me even in a room of people. That fear was exacerbated a few months ago by the loss of my dear friend Jenny. She lost her battle with Thymoma, but it wasn't cancer that robbed her. It was autoimmune diseases associated with the cancer. That has made thinking about treatment options seem even more frightening. What if the treatments trigger a whole new set of issues? I feel so great right now and to think of sacrificing that doesn't sound so great.  AAAAGHHHHH!!!! ("When I am afraid, I put my trust in you! Psalm 56:3" Sorry, I had to type that to get my head back on straight!)

So today I find myself on the road to Houston. I will have CT scans, bone scans, and blood work. I will see a variety of doctors. I will get the results of my genetic study. I will find out what the Nuisance has been up to in the past four months. And I will have decisions to make. I need to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, know when to run. Boy, do I need to know that!

So here are my prayers:
I pray for a miracle! What a blessing it would be for the scans to be clear or even stable so that I can go longer without treatment! Oh, what blessing that would be! But even if He doesn't I will praise him still!
I pray that if we need to take some action that I will know what option is best -- the cards on the table appear to be two trials or chemo, but who knows what the dealer will add this week.  One thing I have come to realize is that there are some things worse than cancer - sometimes the treatment is worse than the disease. I know that we may have to jump here sometime and will do so if that is what is required of me, but I am praying that I can buy time as long as possible before we go there. (hum the chorus with me, You gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, know when to run).
I am also prayerful that if it is time to get additional opinions that I will know that as well. Maybe someone else needs to look at the hand I am holding.

For all the things I don't know right now, here are the things I do:
1) I cannot heal me. Doctors cannot heal me. My healing can only come from my Father. He may use me and physicians, but HE is the great physician.
2) Sometimes, like the thorn in Paul's side (2 Corinthians 12:7-10), God, for whatever reason, doesn't heal like we wish. Instead, he sustains. Instead, he uses the thorn for good purpose. Instead, he uses our weakness to show his power. HE loves me more than I love me and if for some reason this is for my good then this is for my good. I surrender to that.
3) This Nuisance WILL bring glory to God. That doesn't mean I don't get scared. It doesn't mean I don't sink sometimes. It doesn't mean I don't wish it would go away, but BY GOLLY I WILL NOT LET IT RUIN MY LIFE OR STEAL MY JOY! My joy comes not from my circumstances but from the savior who sustains me THROUGH my circumstances.
4) We don't control the hands we are dealt, but we can control how we play the game. "So if you're gonna play the game boy, you gotta learn to play it right." I am trusting God to teach me how to play it!

Please join us in praying for this week and the future. Pray that as we make decisions that we will clearly hear God's prompting and will know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, know when to run...